Jim Chapman: ‘What Kind Of Dad Do I Want To Be? One Like My Mum’

'I’ve been so busy trying to prepare that I was given pause when someone asked me what kind of father I actually want to be,' says Jim Chapman, who is expecting his first child with Sarah Tarleton

Jim Chapman father baby Sarah Tarleton

by Jim Chapman |
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Since finding out my partner is pregnant back in December, I’ve been in full blown proactive, logical, methodical dad mode. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a robot. It’s not like I’ve suddenly become analytical and devoid of emotion. In fact, I can proudly say this is the most content, most full of love and most hopeful I have ever felt. By a long way. Nothing else even comes close. There are just so many decisions to make and it feels like there is so much at stake that I’m trying to stay rational for fear of cocking it all up before my baby has even taken her first breath.

I’m writing this about two weeks after moving into our new house. I’m up to my eyeballs in moving boxes and I’m lonely because I’ve kicked Sarah out whilst I strip all the lead paint from all the woodwork. We’d only lived in our flat for about 18 months and she was really quite reluctant to leave, but after a few conversations (and a lot of time on Right Move) we figured we’d appreciate having our own front door, some extra space and a back garden when the baby gets here. So, while she was full to the brim with nausea, I took charge of moving our lives across London. We’d planned on buying a place that didn’t need any work. Somewhere we can just splash on a lick of paint and settle in, but of course the fixer-uppers offer more space for the same price, so I’ve promised to make sure everything is finished by our due date.

Was this move a mistake? Things were fine in the old place. Yes, leaving our pushchair in the communal hall wouldn’t have been ideal, but is it more ideal than spending all of our money and being covered in lead-based dust? Truthfully, I don’t really know what I’m up to, but I know I have to be up to something, or I’d go bananas.

Every choice I’ve made since that pregnancy test was positive has been centred around my family, but it occurs to me that as an expecting father, there’s not a lot I can do. Sarah does all the heavy lifting and it’s a weight I really wouldn’t fancy carrying even if I could. She’s constantly sick and her body is doing all sorts of things that just don’t seem like things a body should do.

I’ve been so busy trying to prepare for this kid that I was given pause the other day when someone asked me what kind of father I actually want to be. I hadn’t even considered it, but it strikes me now as perhaps the most important thing of all to consider. Much more important than the specifics of the roof that sits above our heads. Surely that the examples I set, the love I give and the lessons I teach will be much more impactful on her life than the geography of where we live.

My own dad is something of a cautionary tale when it comes to father figures. He was abusive, cruel and unpredictable. I don’t believe he was a bad man. He was, like all of us, a product of his environment, combined with his mindset, outlook and coping strategies. Unfortunately, in him, these factors made for the cocktail of a calculating, violent man.

With all that said, I still look back at my childhood with joy and that’s because of my mum. She was (and continues to be) the antithesis of my dad. She was all the adjectives that sound boring but the ones that I believe, right down to the heart of me, are the best ones when it comes to being a parent; Consistent, dependable, predictable, loyal.

I think with my dad, the unpredictability did the most damage. Going to your parent with a problem or triumph and having no idea what to expect in return is unnerving, so eventually you discover it’s safer not to go to them at all. You try to solve your problems alone and often you fail. You can’t share your triumphs, so you stop trying to impress.

My mum though, encouraged autonomy and exploration, but I always knew she’d be around to dust me off. She would celebrate the successes and send me back out there, wanting to do even better next time. Without doubt or hesitation, I knew I was her priority, and I knew she loved me and if you ask me, that’s what a parent should do. They should be the base from which a child leaps, the net that will catch them if they don’t make the jump and their biggest fan when they do.

What kind of dad do I want to be? One like my mum.

READ MORE: Sarah Tarleton On Morning Sickness: 'I Still Feel Ashamed To Have Said, "I Don’t Want This Baby Anymore"'

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