Instagram squares tell us all the time that ‘motherhood takes a village’. Cursive quotes reassure us that the reason we find it all so tough is that we weren’t meant to struggle with the juggle alone. There have been so many moments in parenting when I’ve glanced around me at a sea of strangers, needing help or comfort, but not knowing who to ask or fearing that I’ll be asking too much of a friend who’s trying to keep her own many balls in the air.
There are so many reasons we often feel alone and unsure of where to turn in motherhood. In my new book, Raising a Happier Mother, I dive into these reasons and share advice on ways to nurture and access the village you need in the bumpy road of motherhood, when you need it most of all. I’m going to share five of these practices with you today…
Feel the guilt and do it anyway
How often do you get offered any form of support, be it practical or emotional, and you graciously decline? Challenge yourself to accept offers of support that come your way, overriding feelings of guilt or any fear of burdening that other person. You have to trust that their offer of help is authentic. When you let someone support you, you give them the gift of feeling that warm glow of knowing they’ve helped. In addition, receiving acts of support and kindness deepens and nourishes relationships, strengthening your supportive village in time.
Find your niche community
Many mums I work with experience specific challenges in parenting that they don’t always see represented in the journeys of other mothers around them. My son has autism, and for many years I felt totally alone because I didn’t see other mothers dealing with some of the specific challenges I was facing each day. Seeking relationships with others both on and offline who truly ‘get it’, and can validate your feelings even when friends or family might struggle to relate, can be a powerful antidote to loneliness.
Nudge the parameters of your comfort zone
If you would like to build your village, nudge the parameters of your comfort zone. When we move in the same circles and social groups, we often end up surrounded by people ‘like us’. The wonderful thing about the concept of ‘the village’ is the variety of ages and stages of people within it. How often do you communicate with those of different generations, cultures and backgrounds? Whether you invite a local teenager to come and play some new games with your children, or you sign up for an hour at an old people’s home, broaden your village and benefit from fresh wisdom and support.
Challenge yourself to go beyond the 'I'm okay'
‘I’m fine thanks’ is always the easy, speedy response to the question ‘how are you’? But if the antidote to loneliness, is connection with others, then it’s vital that you go a little deeper with a select few friends or family members, on a regular basis. I recommend having two to three people in your life who really know the ups and downs of your behind-the-scenes. If you’re not quite sure who those people are yet, then challenge yourself to give a little more insight to someone who has historically been kind and supportive.
Ask away
We have bever been so connected to so many people in our lives but, at the same time, people have never reported feeling so lonely and disconnected. I started a movement called ‘The Mum Ribbon Movement’, encouraging people to attach a simple ribbon to their bag to express that they are open to both giving and receiving kindness. It can be hard to ask for help when you need it, be it asking for a hand to help drag a buggy upstairs or walking into a new social setting and not knowing who to talk to. When we ask for support or help, it can feel like we’re risking rejection. One person may welcome your request with open arms, whereas another may awkwardly shuffle off. Don’t take it personally. There is a village out there, it’s just that sometimes we have to make a move towards it.
These are just five of the small ways to nurture and access your village that I share in my book, Raising a Happier Mother. I’d love to finish off with some words from the book that I hope will bring you some comfort.
“Many mums do motherhood alone. They make it through with strength and bravery, without the support or input of others. It can be possible, but it comes at a cost. Needs get chronically overlooked, feelings go unheard and unvalidated. It can be a practical struggle when financial curve balls, times of change or illness hit. So, you may be able to survive without a support network, and you may even feel a little safer on your own island but, as humans, we benefit from having support and connection with others. It increases feelings of happiness and belonging. Connection is that antidote to loneliness.
"If you’re merely surviving, a good support network with deepening connections and relationships could well be the key to thriving.”
You might have to look hard, step out and take gentle risks of vulnerability to find and benefit from your village, but it’s worth it…
Raising a Happier Mother by Anna Mathur is available now (Penguin Life, £16.99)