Motherhood really brings tears to the forefront of your life. There're the newborn cries. There's when a toddler first gets so annoyed you see the hot angry tears. There's the moment your kid steps up from a stumble and they're crying 'REAL tears!' and you know they've actually hurt themselves. There are your tears - a lot in the early days from nowhere. Proud tears. Tears because you can't believe how much you love something. Tears because you can't believe how angry a tiny thing can make you. Tears at a random moment when you think about them leaving home one day in the future (just me?) The tiredness tears... it's seemingly endless.
Yesterday, on The Juggle we saw a lot of you talking about tears. Many of you told us you cried with happy tears on hearing the morning reports (that then materialised in Jeremy Hunt's Spring Budget) that the Conservatives have pledged to roll-out free childcare to working families from the age of nine months old. Then as the news of the timelines filtered through, you told us about more tears. This time they were of frustration, exhaustion and despair when most families (in fact even some pregnant women) did the maths and realised they'd be unlikely to see much - or any - of the fund promised. We asked how you felt about just missing out - and hundreds of you responded, mostly upset.
'Frustrated and broke!'
'Initially I felt so uplifted and then totally depressed - people need help now.'
'So F****d off. I need a refund for that £20,000 I've just spent on three years of childcare.'
'Fuming. No help for those struggling. Just help for those yet to be pregnant'
'Deflated... so close yet so far!'
'Covid babies, already missed out on so much, and won't benefit from earlier free hours'
'Like a lifeline was dangled just beyond my fingertips and then pulled away'
I understand that feeling. With a child due to turn three in September 2024 - the exact moment the 15 hours of free childcare will be extended to all children from nine months - it could feel like a huge of a kick in the teeth when you've been fighting so hard. And you're losing so much right now.
There's a cruel truth about childcare costs (and much of motherhood) - that most people don't know or care about it until it affects them. Sure you might generally agree that childcare is an issue out there somewhere. And you might see the odd headline and think, 'eesh!' But it's only really when you send thousands of pounds of your pay cheque to your nursery and wonder what it was all for, do you really feel that pain. A recent video we filmed proved as much - we asked people to estimate what two children in full-time childcare in London would cost. Estimates started at £6,000 and didn't top £18,000. The real cost was over £40,000 a year.
So, the people who are mobilised are the people who are feeling the pain. And so, yes, it feels brutal that those who have mobilised aren't going to see much of the benefit.
Childcare costs are astonishingly high and prohibitive. That's why people are so mobilised - that's why it means so much. The fact that there arepeople are getting into debt paying for childcarejust so they can work can make you feel like you're in the upside down. We know women are turning down promotions because they can't afford or access the childcare they need. We know people are losing sleep over increases in costs to come. We know families are drafting in grandparents and working all hours just to try and make sums work. It's completely terrifying. And it's understandable that when you find out there's no magic wand to fix that in the years that you need it and you feel like you can't go on, you can feel crushed.
But I don't feel crushed. Because when we started campaigning alongside Pregnant Then Screwed two years ago, I never expected that any change or relief would come in time for me or my friends. Honestly, some days it felt like we were screaming into a black hole and no one would ever listen outside of the echo chamber of distressed pre-school parents. Now, childcare was the biggest issue to come out of yesterday's budget.
And though it might not be directly into your pay packet tomorrow, a functioning childcare system will benefit us all. I honestly believe that childcare is a feminist issue that matters for the future prospects of all women in the workplace. And so it was always about more than getting my money, it was about changing the dial - for all women.
New data by PWC last week was the latest study to back that up. They found that the motherhood penalty was the biggest issue driving the gender pay gap. A girl of 18, entering the workforce today, will never see pay equity if things stay the same - and that, they said, is because of the million ways motherhood and work conflict. The years out of work on maternity leave (shared parental leave is still incredibly low in the UK), the being looked over for promotion, being unable to take the promotion if you get it, being the person who has to run at the end of the day in a culture driven by presenteeism, missing the drinks, always being called first when a child is sick. It goes on - and all mothers will tell you it's real.
Campaigning for change is often about making things better for other people - and a lot of you acknowledged that. A lot of you wrote that you're gutted for yourselves, but glad others won't face the same issues. Hopefully... if it all goes as pitched. Which is another reason not to get down. Because from ratios to funding gaps to the crumbling structure of our overstressed system of providers, there's loads more work to be done.
It's also practical - bringing in free hours overnight would've crushed our already failing sector. Nobody wins if providers continue to close at the rate they already are, or if prices of the hours outside of the free ones are increased even more to cover the gaps in funding they're already struggling with.
As Joeli Brearley, founder of the remarkable Pregnant Then Screwed said so many times yesterday, the conversation has been changed beyond recognition. Childcare is a political issue. It is being recognised. It is important. It could be an issue that decides our next election.
'Just three years ago, we would talk to Ministers about childcare and they would look at us like we were speaking Klingon,' said Joeli. 'It was of no interest to those in power. To go from there to childcare being the main event in the Spring Budget shows the power of collective action and we are elated to hear that the childcare sector will now receive a significant investment.'
So this isn't a holier than thou ticking off - it's to say that while you might not be the people who will see that change in their bank balances (and with two kids under five. I understand what that means, believe me) you have made a huge change. You've made an important difference. And how often in life can you be in a position to enact real change? If real change comes (and there's still so much uncertain, of course) you've earned the right in five or 10 years to roll your eyes at new mothers and start sentences with 'In my day...' about childcare costs. I dream of being able to hand out that eye roll.
It's the tears that Joeli posted on Instagram I'm trying to take away from yesterday's Budget. Crying with joy while watching it unfold. Knowing there's work to be done, but that so much work has been done. And that the work has made a difference.