I was juggling three kids down the High Street, one was screaming and the other two lagging behind. I felt utterly depleted and was fighting back tears. I looked around me and saw strangers, other mums, families, people on their own. I wished so much that I could have turned to someone in that moment, for a kind word, a warm smile or an extra hand to distract a child. I felt like a couple of people could see me struggling but may have worried I’d feel offended if they offered to help.
As a psychotherapist working with mothers, it got me thinking, ‘What stops us from asking? What stops us from offering?’ Maternal mental health issues are on the rise, and loneliness is a huge part of that.
I thought 'I would LOVE to be the mum who helped another mum with an extra hand, some emergency wipes, or some comfort’. I wished there was a way that I could say, 'I'm up for you helping me, I won't be offended. And I'm up for helping you too, you can talk to me'. We look around and we see strangers, yet we are united in so many of these feelings.
The Mum Ribbon Movement is what happened after I talked about this on Instagram. It isn’t just a pretty addition, it’s a powerful statement of permission. Permission to offer practical help and kind words. Permission to ask for them too. In a society that pits women against women, this is a battle cry that needing each other isn't lack of strength. No, leaning towards each other makes us stronger and healthier mentally. This is an antidote to loneliness, comparison, division, fear of being rebuffed when supporting others.
I suggested mothers choose a ribbon of any colour and tie it around their bag if they were open to helping – and also open to being offered help. I chose a ribbon, of any colour because I’d hoped people would have one lying around in a craft or gift-wrapping drawer. This would remove any cost barriers and enable people to begin straight away.
The ribbon says ‘I am open to you offering me some kind words or support’ and ‘I'm here if you need some kind words or support’. It's also for those who've messaged me to say that they've been offered support before, but said they were 'fine thanks' when they weren't. So it might a statement to yourself that you're stepping out in letting others step towards you!
The reaction has been immense! The post has been shared thousands of times and achieved over 22,000 likes in 48 hours. I have received hundreds of messages and replies from people wanting to support the idea through their businesses, communities and even hospitals. I’ve had doctors get in touch, those working in maternal mental health, and grandmothers asking if they can get involved. Brands like Bugaboo, Tiba and Marl and Netmums are on board, and the post has been shared by numerous celebrities keen to get the word out there. One large network of baby groups locally to me have chosen to print their own ribbons, and gift-makers are offering free ribbons to anyone who needs them. Cafes have messaged pledging to hand out ribbons to customers, and small businesses are sending them out to people buying their bags and products.
I truly believe that the ribbons can help cut through the awkwardness and uncertainty of approaching someone to offer support. Who knows what conversations and connections could occur?
What has surprised me most, is the collective relief at being given permission to reach out and talk to or help mothers who are clearly having a tricky time or a wobbly moment. So many have shared how they’ve wanted to offer help, but have feared offending or patronising a mother. The Supermum mentality, perpetuated by social media, means that to be seen as being vulnerable can feel acutely challenging. Like a public failure of attaining to the ideal. We don’t want to be seen, we want to hide, but we can’t because our chaos is seen in plain sight. But at the same time, I believe we do want to be seen, we yearn to be seen. It’s a conflict - the cultural norm versus the human need to be validated and acknowledged.
Through the #TheMumRibbonMovement, I’ve realised quite how much our fear of people feeling offended or patronised by offers of kindness stop us from reaching out, even when we really want to.
I have pondered as to why we find it hard to be acknowledged in our moments of vulnerability. Firstly, our culture places emphasis on external validation as a motivation! Whilst likes, clicks, promotions and compliments give us small boosts, it doesn’t nurture deep self-acceptance. External feedback is ever changing, and nothing truly makes us more worthy than another person, regardless of what culture says. In our digital world, we are connected to many people, without a deep level of knowing one another. So feeling acknowledged by strangers can feel too intimate if we aren’t used to being vulnerable with others. It could also be that we haven’t had our feelings validated in childhood, and therefore internalise them. So in moments where our emotions threaten to spill up and over, this can feel somehow ‘wrong’
Our fear of offending each other is chipping away at ’the village’ we so deeply yearn for. I have rejected offers of support. I have been that person who shrugs off an offer because I feel like I’m failing, and an offer of help feels like a painful confirmation. It’s not. But it feels like it. I’ve also been the one who welcomes help with relief.
But that is about me. Not the person offering help.
So many people feel alone, and this stepping back out of fear when we need to step towards it, is nudging us apart at a time we need each other. We can work on our fear of offending.
These things are really helping me, and maybe they will help you too…
- You can consider how you say and express something, but you can’t control how it is received.
- Just because someone is offended, it doesn’t mean your words were offensive. Just because someone feels patronised, it doesn’t mean you’re patronising. Someone else might receive your action with open arms.
- We can’t expect ourselves to know the bigger picture of what is going on in someone’s life. There might be reasons they find it hard to accept your kindness, and that is out of your control.
- Someone’s response to kindness says little about your intention. It’s an insight into where they’re at.
- Working on our own confidence and self-worth (my book Know Your Worth will help) means that rejection hits differently in time, and becomes less personal.
Anna Mathur is a psychotherapist, Sunday Times Bestselling author and podcaster .