Helicopters, octopuses and tigers - a few decades ago all they'd have to do with parenting was Christmas lists. But now, with the rise of parenting styles and tribes, these terms float around TikTok and Instagram like a new language - and chief among the ones lambasted in recent times is helicopter parenting.
It may be that you've scrolled through in a lovely 3am doom spiral or feeding hole and nodded along, but wondered what helicopter parenting actually means. And if you do kind of understand what a helicopter parent is, you might be wondering what - in this world of craziness - is actually so bad about being a helicopter parent after all? We spoke to experts - and some helicopter parents themselves - to try and unpick the issue.
When we asked you on The Juggle 39% of you said you did think you were helicopter parenting, while 63% said they thought that being a helicopter parent is a bad thing.
Of course, that means that 37% didn't think it was a bad thing. We asked some of those who identified as helicopter parents how they felt about the style.
Many of you told us that you're helicopter parenting because it feels necessary for your circumstances. 'My son is visually impaired, but doesn't look it - I helicopter to keep him safe and always feel judged.' One parent told us: 'I'm a SEND (Special Educational Needs and Disability) parent, so I need to make sure he has the correct support in place.' Another added: 'I have neurodiverse kids, so I don't have a choice.' And one parent said: 'My son has severe allergies, I do it to protect him.' Another parent of a child with allergies said, 'I do it to keep him safe and I won't apologise for it.'
One mother admitted it did concern them that they were causing issues helicopter parenting: 'I worry I'm not giving her the space to be independent and learn uncomfortable feelings.' While another said they felt it was the right thing to do: 'I'm here to support and teach my kid,' they said. 'I can't do that if I'm absent and ignorant of their needs.' Many of you told us you felt you helicoptered because of their young age, but would hope to do it less as they grew older.
It can also be about your circumstances becoming a parent. One Juggle follower told us: 'My son is a rainbow baby, so a lot of it is anxiety-driven, though I worry I'll pass it on to him.'
So what actually is helicopter parenting?
There's actually quite a lot of debate around what a helicopter parent actually means, but essentially if you picture the metaphor included in the title, you're there. A helicopter parent is one that's always hovering overhead, overseeing everything.
But that's when things get complicated, because if you've got a toddler who loves to put everything in their mouth (from cat food to last week's fish finger that you have no idea how it escaped the hoover) then hovering over them sounds like it makes sense, right? But it's perhaps then when children become older that helicopter parenting becomes more problematic, according to some. That's when supervising every aspect of a child's life and not allowing them to learn lessons and build up resilience themselves could become an issue, goes the theory.
Other terms for helicopter parenting that perhaps illustrate the potential harm caused to children are 'snowplough parenting' (i.e. clearing a path for the children all the time) cosseting parenting (i.e. treating them as a pet) or curling parenting (smoothing out the way for them, from the Swedish term curlingföräldrar).
It's actually perfectly illustrated in this hilarious and amazing interview of Claudia Winkleman and her friend (and Chartered Consultant Clinical Psychologist) Professor Tanya Byron, who together hosted a podcast called, How Did We Get Here? In it, Claudia explains why Tanya describes her as a curling parent - and she, relatably and hilariously illustrates why many modern parents can't quite step away.
If you're in the same boat as Claudia and wondering if (or absolutely knowing) you're a helicopter parent,Dr Jenna Vyas-Lee, clinical psychologist and co-founder of leading mental health clinic Kove unpicks further what it can mean. Because when it comes to helicopter parenting, it's not that simple.
She told us: 'Before we begin the disclaimer here is that the below is all meant in moderation, I of course advocate for parents to care, look after and nurture their children. However, there has to balance. I think this helicopter metaphor is confusing. When I think of a helicopter parent, I actually think of someone circling above, keeping an eye on things but from a safe distance - this is an example of great parenting.
'For generations we parented through the concepts of fear and shame (there’s no judgment here, it’s just the way it was). There was a lack of research, lack of pressure to take a deeper look into alternative ways of parenting, but then it exploded. Literally overnight a generation of new parents bought a ‘parenting book’ and it became the holy grail. This morning I googled parenting books and google presented me with 887,000,000 results in 0.53 seconds. A new dawn has arrived, there is a ‘way’ to parent and your parenting defines you as a person.
'Basically there is way too much confusion around what we should be doing and how we do it. Although there is one clear message - you must act, because if you don’t, you’ll ruin your children, they will be emotionally stunted.
'And we now find ourselves in this new era where there is no real model or guide. What happens next is what psychologists like to call the ‘vicious cycle’. We allow our babies to lead us, we allow our children to lead us, we validate, we soothe, we play, we get down on the floor (quite literally). As they get older we start managing play dates, we dish out constant instructions, we schedule every waking moment. But then we suddenly question why is no one calm and happy? Why are we all still shouty? Why am I not feeling like I’ve nailed it? So we head back to the books and realise "Oh you were doing it wrong," now we all feel bad, so we do more, round and round we go. It's exhausting.'
How do I know if I'm a helicopter parent?
Worrying you're doing it all wrong is practically a hobby when you're a parent, so some clear guidelines on whether you're veering into being a helicopter parent would be helpful.
But Dr Jenna says there are some telltale signs to consider if you're worried you're a helicopter parent. 'Does the above resonate?' she says. 'Do you feel burnt out and guilty most of the time? Do you know more about your child’s relationships than your own relationships with friends? Are you spending a lot of time doing school projects and googling maths? If the answer is a resounding yes then it's time to stop. You are helicopter parenting.'
Is helicopter parenting healthy? Are there any positives to it?
The accepted theory goes, 'Helicopter parenting is bad because if you do everything for kids, then they won't build up their own skills and resilience'. But obviously there are lots of nuances - hovering and sorting obviously makes sense when your child is younger or has additional needs, for instance. Or from the parenting side of things, is it sometimes easier to helicopter parent than stand there for 45 minutes while they figure out tying their shoelaces? There's also the argument of why wouldn't you want your child to stand the best chance - there are so many structural inequalities out in the world, and people getting legs ups you could never dream to offer, is helping them success really that bad?
Host and founder of the Motherkind podcast and leading motherhood coach, Zoe Blaskey, offers a more realistic and reassuring approach to discussing the potential drawbacks and issues with helicopter parenting.
She told Grazia: 'The other day my daughter came home sad about something relatively minor that had happened at school. My first thought was “I’m going to go down there and sort it out”. Is there anything harder than seeing your child upset? Or struggling with a challenge? It’s instinctive to want to make all our children’s problems go away, of course it is, but actually long term that doesn’t always help as much as supporting them to work through it.
'So I took my fingers off speed dial to the school and had a more constructive second thought - which was that me supporting her to work through challenges just like this one (not waving my magic wand to make them go away) is how she’ll grow in resilience and confidence. As adults we instinctively know that, but is so hard when it comes to our children.'
But if you are finding yourself helicopter parenting, Zoe says it's important to treat yourself kindly. 'Parenting is hard,' she says. 'There’s so much conflicting advice and we’re continually being informed by how we were parented (the good, bad and ugly). Add on top of that there are the very real pressures modern parents are under and it makes sense that so many of us want to quickly sort problems and smooth away challenges as soon as they arrive.
'In popular culture this is known as helicopter parenting. But I’m not a fan of labelling any type of parenting. Our ability to support our children through their challenges and to allow all their feelings (even the big ones) about it, depends on our internal resources. If we’re stressed out, overwhelmed with a work deadline and need to get dinner on the table - then of course we might just give the answer to the tricky homework question - just to get it over and done with. The next day we might do the opposite. It’s very rare that any parent fits into a neatly defined box.'
How to stop helicopter parenting
Zoe does also offer some advice if you want to stop helicopter parenting: 'So my number one advice with any parenting - is self compassion first, self awareness second. So if you find yourself ‘helicopter’ parenting and micro-managing your child, then have compassion for yourself, this gig is a hard one and you’re doing your best with what you’ve got right in this moment. Second - onto self awareness - on a good day, ask yourself what it is you’re afraid of to let go a little more with your children. Fear is always at the root of control.
'And remember - the opposite of anxiety isn’t calm, it’s trust. So perhaps if you find your in helicopter mode, could you trust yourself and your children just a blades worth more?'
If you're worried, then, that helicopter parenting your child might be making them less resilient and ready for the world, or they could be getting sick of you smothering them, then there are steps you can take that will help you stop helicopter parenting.
But interestingly, Dr Jenna also offers tips that are in some ways nothing to do with parenting - they're to do with you as a parent.
'Put down the books, delete the podcasts, do a bit of experimenting, what actually happens if I watch my own TV programme or see my friends?' she says. 'Or do some exercise instead of helping them, managing them and being so deeply invested in them? Just start there and then follow your own instinct.'
What are some famous examples of helicopter parenting?
So what is considered as helicopter parenting? Well in the day to day, examples of helicopter parenting it might be as Claudia describes above... things like packing bags for them, doing homework because you think it'll stress them out, not letting them leave the house without charging their phone for them, trying to engineer social situations to make them feel better. Just generally doing everything you can at all times to ensure no tiny obstacle comes their way. Anything that your parents would probably describe as 'wrapping them up in cotton wool'.
But there have actually been some infamous and extreme cases of helicopter parenting. In 2019 the New York Times used the term 'snowplough parent' in its infamous piece about the American College Admissions scandal (also known as Operation Varsity Blues). It was discovered that parents (including actresses Felicity Huffman and Lori Laughlin) were part of a criminal conspiracy to get their children into the best colleges in America by faking athletic ability and test scores.
In a more humourous example, the Jennifer Lawrence film No Hard Feelings explores the phenomenon of helicopter parenting of Gen Z teens. In the film Matthew Broderick and Laura Benanti play parents who hire Jennifer Lawrence to date their son and bring him out of his shell before he heads to college.
What are the four types of parenting?
While it may seem from a 30-minute doom scroll that there are a bazillion parenting styles out in the world, when it comes to the official, recognised styles, there are actually only four types of parenting. Authoritarian (extreme rules, my way or the highway style), authoritative (there are rules and boundaries, but focussed and considered around the child), permissive parenting (rules are set, but not really followed, there are very few consequences) and uninvolved parenting (as it sounds, no attempt at rules or even considering what a child is doing).
The first three terms were largely credited to developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind in the 1960s and in the 80s, Stanford researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin added the fourth style.
What's the difference between Tiger Parenting and Helicopter Parenting?
A Tiger Parent, coined following the release of the the book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, the term Tiger Mother (or parent) is designed to describe a specific type of Chinese-American style of parenting, drawn from East Asian cultures, whereby the parenting is strict and designed to push children to academic success.
So while both helicopter and tiger parents are behind the scenes overseeing their children's lives, there are some differences. Firstly a tiger parent would be focussed on academia, whereas a helicopter parent would be concerned with every element of a child's life. And while a tiger parent is strict, strangely for all their effort a helicopter parent could be seen as much more permissive if they're letting their children 'get away' with not doing things like homework and doing it for them. One would be insisting the homework was done to the highest standard, the other would be telling the child not to worry and themselves doing it...
Rhiannon Evans is Senior Editor at Grazia - she launched and runs Grazia’s parenting platform The Juggle. The unique community is a place for parenting advice, laughs and discussion - and constantly campaigns for working parents. Rhiannon led The Juggle’s partnership with Pregnant Then Screwed, which called for Childcare Change Now - more than 100,000 parents signed a petition calling on the government to review childcare in the UK.