Pushing the swing with one hand, I crane my neck to try and keep an eye on my eldest then shouting 'GENTLE!', 'NO' or 'BE CAREFUL!' across at them for the 56th time. I'm wondering if I should be incorporating some counting into the swing pushing ('Kids learn through play!' my inner monologue screams, 'Be better at playing!') while trying to persuade my tantrum-prone youngest to let the other child (who, of course, was waiting nicely and politely) to have a go on the swing. I'm not shouting, of course, but trying to hold boundaries and also show understanding and at the same time, not give into the urge to throw MYSELF on the floor with them.
I just had to admit... this playground trip was not fun. Not only was it not fun, but I'd dreaded it beforehand. And afterwards, it left me upset. 'Why can't you do it?' ran round and round my head.
Looking around the playground, other kids seemed to be loving life and other parents seemed to be enjoying it. Some were getting some me-time in, one sitting with a book while her presumably excellently behaved kids made a new gang of friends and played beautifully elsewhere. Some kids even quietly slipped their hand inside their parent's and walked out of the playground without a bribe of a snack.
A day earlier, my toddler had wanted to hold my Diet Coke bottle as she walked around. I tried to take it back and she screamed like I'd punched her in the gut. So fine, she held the bottle. Suddenly it felt like parents were looking at me... did I really need to make it clear I wasn't actually letting my 20-month-old drink the caffeinated fizzy drink? 'It's all in your head!' you're thinking. 'People don't pay as much attention to you as you think!' you say. Well, sure, but then a pre-teen walked over to me and said: 'Excuse me, she really shouldn't be drinking that.' Great, that's just great.
That week in the playground, my eldest, who has a speech delay and struggles with how to socialise but loves to try, had smacked a kid because I'd been helping his sister down the slide and wasn't there to moderate whatever first interaction that sparked the whole thing happened. Shortly afterwards, he instead tried to play with a pre-teen girl who was running around with some other kids. She shouted at him 'Go away, I don't WANT you to play!' And she then told me later, when he again tried to join in the chase 'Get him away from me! I don't want to play with him!' So yeah, trying to explain that to him was just like a casual stab right through my heart. Oh, and I had to leave the youngest one on her own on the other side of the playground to deal with it, because of course she screamed when I tried to take her with me and I'd run, scared another hit was coming.
I don't know if it's just me, but the fear of judgement is possible everywhere in the playground. Does that other parent think I should make my child move quicker so their child should go? Do they think I'm a bad parent for making them move quicker? Am I a bad parent for people pleasing and putting that kid above my kid? What about when I don't 'hold my boundary' and stick to my vow that 'This is the last go on the slide or no cake'? Or that I'm even offering cake? Do they think I'm a bit much when I set a timer for getting off the roundabout because I know it's the last thing that could work? Are they wondering why my kid is on their own while I'm dealing with a meltdown from the other one? And please, can someone tell me, are they supposed to go on the trampoline together, or take it in turns? Because every way I try, a different parent seems to think I'm doing it wrong. Can we all just agree a way, please?
I won't even get into the panic of trying to keep an eye on two children in a public space near a road when they act like opposing magnets, permanently on the opposite side of the playground from each other. Oh and WHY, genuinely WHY do they build climbing frames with completely open sides? With actual openings way up high for them to jump off of?
Increasingly, taking two kids to the playground feels like a mammoth trial that every other parent passes with ease. And sure, loads of different parenting scenarios have challenges, but the playground feels like Parenting 101. Something you do daily, easily, freely (cost and emotion wise). Or, something you should be able to do. To dread it feels quite shameful. We all talk about the juggle and being able to cope and giving yourself a break, sure. But a trip to the playground? It's hardly rocket science right?
To be honest, pitching the idea for this piece felt really exposing. But when I posed the question to The Juggle community, it was incredibly reassuring. Two-thirds of those who answered our poll said they found the playground stressful - and about half admitted that worrying about various scenarios had stopped them going to the playground at some point.
People also commented what they found stress-inducing. I'll share a load here, because honestly it made me feel better reading them and I hope it does you too:
'Their safety, there's too much going on.'
'Other parenting and judgement - my son has a speech delay and struggles to start play and it causes issues'
'My child's behaviour and keeping tabs on my twins'
'Big kids being rude and physically pushy to smaller kids'
'The sheer drop on the side of every climbing frame'
'Judgement'
'Having to play with my child'
'Other parents cliquey behaviours'
'My child gets overwhelmed and lashes out, we try to go when it's quiet'
'Sharing and turn-taking'
'My kids not being brave and confident enough to stick up for themselves'
'My son's desire to play on something that is being occupied by other kids'
'Other parents who don't watch their kids'
'I find it extremely dull! I didn't even like parks when I was little'
'My youngest acts out and runs away when it's time to leave. Everyone stares'
Psychotherapist, author and mother of three Anna Mathur is an incredibly comforting and honest voice in the parenting space, and so I asked her to share her advice and experience. She has shared her own parenting struggles and nightmare trips previously, and says sometimes it's just about finding comfort outside of that space.
Sometimes we need to grieve the fact our parenting journey is different to those around us.
'We idealise other people's situations and lives, especially if you have a child with extra needs, you can look around and feel jealousy and envy that they seem to be having a smoother time,' she says. 'The most important thing is to have people in your life, whether they are online or offline, who understand, so you can those feelings that you might be having in the park on a Wednesday afternoon and feel really understood and validated.
'Sometimes we need to grieve the fact that our parenting journey does look very different to those around us and there will be moments of loneliness and comparison and idealising other people. And it's coming to terms with the fact that some of those settings are hard and you are going to feel misunderstood,' Anna concludes.
There's so much to be gained by knowing there are so many collective experiences in parenting - and that everyone struggles and that things might look picture perfect, but you don't always know what's going on with people. But also, realistically, sometimes you are being judged. Sometimes otherpeople are finding it easier and their kids are being better behaved. Sometimes you are finding things harder than others.
In that case then, says Anna, it's about sitting with that judgement instead of pretending it's not there. 'Ultimately you know your child best and you know the full story,' she says. 'Only you know what it might take to take that Diet Coke bottle off your child and what the consequences will be. Or what capacity you have left. Or what your morning looked like. Or what your night looked like. And ultimately people are reading a single page of a book they haven't read in full. And also, it's about recognising we do it to other people and judge other people - and we don't like that about ourselves, but we're always trying to place ourselves socially.
'The more self-esteem and confidence we can nurture in our own family set-up whatever that looks like, the less we'll be bothered,' Anna continues. 'When I feel those judgements coming towards me now, I just try to think "You've got no idea" and actually that translates across my life now and I'm more confident because of it.'
So that's your meltdowns sorted - Anna also shared advice for dealing with the child's below. And hopefully you also feel a bit less alone if the idea of 45 minutes pushing a roundabout before bribing them back into the buggy doesn't fill you with glee. The gaping holes in the side of the 10 foot climbing frame you'll have to take up with someone else unfortunately...
Anna's tips for dealing with a public meltdown
Put your blinkers on and focus on you and your child
Don’t hurry it along - the storm will pass and we add stress when we try and manipulate the situation.
Breathe and ground yourself
Be compassion focussed. Your child is a good kid having a hard time. Stress can challenge compassion
Speak slowly and calmly, few and repeated words to help calm your nervous system. When we speak frantically it feeds the energy of the situation
Have your people who get you and know you. Have a debrief with a friend.
You can pre-order Anna's book, Raising a Happier Mother, now at this link. It comes out August 31.