‘He Thinks I’m Keeping The Kids Away From Him On Purpose’: How Can You Co-Parent While In Lockdown?

‘My ex isn’t social distancing, he’s still going to the pub, seeing his new girlfriend, all while expecting me to drop off the kids to see him,’ says Angela*, 28 from Liverpool. ‘I’ve tried to explain why he shouldn’t see the kids if he’s not isolating himself… but he sees it as me trying to keep them away from him.’

Co-parenting in any instance can be difficult, but co-parenting while social-distancing and self-isolating? It’s proving impossible for many couples. Not least, because the UK going into lockdown means that ferrying children to and from houses has become all the more contentious. To be clear, the government's lockdown policy does not stop children from going between the houses of their separated parents.

'Where parents do not live in the same household, children under 18 can be moved between their parents' homes,' the official statement reads. Essentially, you shouldn't get in trouble for continuing to co-parent.

Of course, co-parenting isn't always that simple at a time like this. At least it hasn't been for Angela, who tells Grazia she has spent hours arguing every day with her child’s father about how best to maintain a normal routine while following government advice to stay at home as much as possible.

‘When you have completely different attitudes to this crisis, it’s just impossible,’ she says. ‘I get angry calls from him, his girlfriend, his mum, saying I’m not allowed to keep them away from him but it’s about not about that! It’s about their safety as well as his.’

Niamh*, 33 from Manchester is facing similarly difficulties. While her ex and his new partner have been self-isolating, they haven’t been doing it long enough to be completely risk-free for her two kids, aged eight and 12 – one of whom has asthma and is self-isolating. ‘My GP said it’s best to keep the kids with me,’ she tells Grazia. ‘But I know how he’s going to react, he’s going to think “well, we’re self-isolating so what’s the problem?” without considering the incubation period.

‘He will absolutely think I’m doing it on purpose or being “bitter”, it will be a huge issue,' Niamh adds. ‘But the last thing we need is the kids accidentally getting ill and then him feeling awful.’ And while many parents face the stress of increased tension in co-parenting, they’re also dealing with home-schooling, work issues and financial insecurity.

‘I’m a freelancer and I’ve had a huge amount of work cancelled on me,’ Niamh says. ‘I’m now having to juggle finding a way to work online and looking after them, with an expectation that he could carry on as normal showing up every other weekend. My stress levels are through the roof, because it’s not just work and home-schooling at the same time; it’s also helping the kids come to terms with the fact there’s a global pandemic, they can’t go outside, eat what they want and all of that that comes with self-isolating.’

Even for the most harmonious couples, co-parenting and social-distancing is posing challenges. Bella*, 39 from London split up with the father of her two children just a few weeks ago and is now facing co-parenting while on lockdown together as new exes.

‘Our split has been amicable, and we live together well but once the schools close, with all four of us in the house I'm expecting it to get much trickier and more suffocating,’ she tells Grazia. ‘I'm concerned that our fragile peace, which we've worked hard at maintaining, may break down when we're spending so much time together.

‘We are going to need to put in some serious boundaries around shared duties with the kids to make sure we feel like we're getting our own time and space,’ Bella continues. ‘Whilst also carving out chunks of time to get “time out” from the kids, and each other. To go for a run in the forest, or to switch off and hide away in our respective bedrooms with headphones on to drown out the noise!’

That’s exactly what Britain’s top divorce lawyer, Ayesha Vardag – an expert in amicable splits – suggests for parents in this position. ‘Clarity will be key to prevent any potential flare ups,’ she advises. ‘Study the times of the day you and your partner are likely to be busiest and plan accordingly, designating certain roles and time periods which each of you will oversee. Whether this is bath time or bed time, assigning roles will help to ensure everyone is on the same page.’

She also warns that since co-parenting in a situation like this is so unprecedented, it’s never been more important to find mutual ground and prevent potential legal issues in future.

‘While normal legal precedents around co-parenting still apply, it is difficult to predict at this time when and how court applications will be heard if disputes do arise,’ she says. ‘In the short-term, therefore, common sense and mutual agreement will have to prevail. Practical decisions may need to be made and specialist legal advice will still be readily available.’

And most importantly, she encourages any parents co-parenting to give themselves a break – especially when it comes to the pressure of home-schooling. ‘Juggling work with parenting will be exhausting,’ she says. ‘Make sure you give yourself some well-deserved me time. For the kids, while routine is key, allow more time for leisure and fun than they may normally get. Think last week of school before Christmas rather than the midst of exam season.’

*names have been changed

Read More: How Coronavirus Is Changing How We Live