Have you ever known a woman relaxed at Christmas? Even if she gives off relaxed vibes. If you snuck in later would she be sitting on the edge of the bed, a shell of her hostess self, wishing she could just. lie. down? Think Emma Thompson in Love Actually but instead of Alan Rickman doing the dirty, the whole family is joyfully lounging on the sofa while she feels responsible for…well, everything.
I see women all around me striving to make it magical for others.
It’s catering for dietary requirements as well as knowing the festive favourites of different family members; it’s showing up to the drinks you agreed to when you were less tired. It’s ensuring everyone has been remembered and travel plans are communicated clearly. It’s creating lists – for you, for them, for Santa. It’s attending the many school events having spent time sourcing a costume and learning lines and new songs. Your word perfect knowledge of Little Donkey won’t save you now.
And all this is to be done while embodying festive cheer and sparkle.
But what I hear is how tired women are. Dammit, I feel it.
How has it happened that we put so much pressure on ourselves to make it perfect, like we’re Mrs Claus herself? The magic of Christmas – the stuff in the songs and movies – is about connecting with people you actually like and a break from all the stresses, not amping up every area of your life that makes you busier while leaking energy and cash you don’t have on creating magic.
And if you’re angrily banging around in the kitchen muttering ‘Merry bleedin’ Christmas’ and necking Baileys from the bottle, is anyone enjoying it?
It’s not as simple as suggesting we all need to relax. December is a month of to-do lists. There is expectation, in part from those around us, plus a large dose of feeling like we should step into this role.
However, when we pause we know what matters. Can we scrap a load of what is on that list?
No one gives a flying reindeer if you have hand pulped cranberries to make a shiny glaze, or foraged for herbs to flavour the turkey. The pigs in blankets always win out. Anything wrapped in bacon does, frankly.
In a similar vein, if wreath and table-setting creating is your thing, go for it. If it’s not, WHY would you add that into the mix of ‘Things to Do’ in the most busy weeks of the whole year?! Step away from the spray can and put the pliers DOWN.
You thought WhatsApp was out of control before? HA. There will be messages about a Christmas Jumper Day, a costume required for the nativity, a carol concert, a Santa visit, a donation of some sort, a ‘bring in a carrot for the snowman’s nose’ request , pin the tail on the Christmas donkey, Yodel to Mariah Day… look, I don’t know what your school has planned, but do you know who should know? The other parent. If you have a partner and they’re not on the class WhatsApp, add them immediately. An early present for them.
Let’s take a moment here for our sisters doing this solo. If it makes anyone feel better, most couples aren’t having sex in December. They’re too busy trying to hold in the cheese-induced wind and simmering resentment.
If we do manage to pause, when you think back to the Christmases of your childhood, what do you remember most? For me it was eating snacks in front of the telly (normal rules out the window), croissants for breakfast on Christmas Day (80s sophistication) and fighting with my siblings over the Radio Times (carefully annotated with a highlighter). Mum would buy a fresh pack of blank VHS tapes and we would each select a film we wanted to record, aggressively labelled with ‘DO NOT TAPE OVER’, to be added to the family collection forever-more. Or until they got taped over.
Emma Reed Turrell, Psychotherapist and author of ‘Please Yourself: How to Stop People Pleasing’ gave me two top tips for a better Christmas:
‘Share the load. If you’re the family glue that plans the presents, shops and wraps, orders the turkey, buys the teacher gifts and sends the cards to friends and family, divvy up the responsibilities or shed some. Let go of traditions that aren’t meaningful for you, and actually look more like peer pressure from dead people’.
‘Don’t look for the perfect Christmas, look for the perfect moments. They’re often where you least expect them. The Christmas dinner might not hit your highlights reel but maybe there will be a frosty walk on Boxing Day that brings you a sense of freedom and joy. Or it’s when you’re curled up on the sofa watching reruns of Christmas specials and you feel a priceless sense of peace’.
And Emma is right. My favourite part is often the bit between Christmas and New Year - the Christmas Perineum if you will - where expectations are gone, the ‘must dos’ are over and everyone breathes a little easier, while inhaling leftovers and wearing an elasticated waist. The good stuff is connecting – with loved ones, with friends, with Bruce Willis and a bumper box of mince pies. How it looks from the outside in is irrelevant because it’s your Christmas. It’s early enough to start connecting with how we wantChristmas to feel, and remembering that we are not duty bound to ‘make’ it for everyone else.
So, repeat after me:
I am not Mother Fucking Christmas. See how good that feels? Chant it every time you start to get up off the sofa with a weary sigh to fetch more snacks for others and sit yourself back down. If you’re still up at 1am prettying up the presents with a bow, put your hand on your heart and chant it hard. And then head to bed.
Breathe in, breathe out.
And have yourselves a merry little Christmas.
Steph Douglas runs thoughtful gift company Don’t Buy Her Flowers. If you’re looking to tick gifts off your list - and they do the gift wrap! - head to the website.