Did you know that 98% of women HATE their face MORE since lockdown? Hate it. Bleugh, knocks them SICK. Did you know 45% of women want HUGELY INVASIVE SURGERY on some part of their body because they use Zoom now? 26% of women said they'd rather join a socially-distanced queue around the block for a boob job than the supermarket. Did you know that on top of all the other stresses and strains of life 67% of women think they look AT LEAST 57 years older since March? Around a quarter of all women agreed that they think they look like 'total hags, a bit like when the witches in The Witches take their mask off'. And one in six said that literally ALL THE CAN THINK ABOUT are the lines on their forehead.
Did you know that I have absolutely no stats on how using internet meeting tools has affected men when it comes to self-esteem, worth, bank balance, sleep or their readiness to cut themselves open under general anaesthetic? Weird.
To be 100% clear (and not get told off by some standards body or other) obviously all of the stats in the last few paragraphs are completely made up. Well, they are on my part - I can't promise that someone hasn't done a survey in recent months that has claimed one of those things.
Oh but the male bit is true. Haven't heard a peep on how using Zoom/Teams/Houseparty/WhatsApp video call has shooketh them.
I have, however, in recent weeks received around five or six press releases a day with a new survey about how much WOMEN HATE THEIR FACE now because of Zoom, exhaustion, stress, increased workload, doing more childcare or worrying about an international pandemic the likes of which hasn't been seen in modern memory.
Now, ok, you might think that sounds 'a bit media-y', but the fact is a quick look at the news you follow will show those press releases do make it into the press, and therefore the national consciousness.
And, at the start it was fine. This isn't to say that some of us haven't had feelings good or bad about our faces since our working and social lives have adapted to mean we spend most of our time looking at our own faces, when it used to be someone else's. It's 'a thing'. It's noteworthy. It's a phenomenon.
But do we have to talk about it to the extent that we now do? It feels, personally, incessant.
There are plenty of problems with the constant battering of negative statistics. As noted, it's sexist. It's also, to be honest, usually a bit dodge when it comes to the ethics side of things - lots of these surveys have been commissioned by people with a needle ready and waiting, for the right price. It's also, yknow, just not the most important thing going on right now.
But the real worry I have is the self-perpetuation of the message. That headlines become conversations. Stats become small talk. That things read become things believed. That things generally around the ether become things prevalent in every household. That it preys on women's insecurities. That it becomes believed that everyone is feeling it - so you should too. And if you don't believe it yet... Oh you didn't notice that the muscles in between your eyes are falling down? I'd take a closer look next time you're on your laptop then if I was you.
And if it's believed, then it could be acted on. Which also is fine and anyone's prerogative. But the idea that it could be prematurely prompted by a marketing campaign is just... ugh.
I know these stories get into your mind, because I'm a woman, and I feel it. Earlier this year I remember a couple of weeks when everyone was obsessed with some new hip thing (can't remember the name, don't want to anyway). It was the new 'thigh gap' type thing. Do you have one? asked some articles. 'I don't care about the...' said others. Either way though, it entered my consciousness, I checked if I had one... it was annoying to me that even though I'd read plenty of posts along the lines of saying, 'Ugh this is gross, another thing for women to worry about' it was still... there. In my head. Just the coverage was enough to get me thinking.
I dithered about whether this piece would just be the same. Maybe other women don't feel like they're being bombarded by those messages (I hope that's true) and this could just be the piece that did, and made them feel worse about themselves (I hope that's not true).
But anecdotally, I think we're past that. I've had the 'OMG this has really made me want Botox' now chat several times now. I've joined in too. I try to remember that the stories I've read telling me that most of the women I know (statistically) hate the way they look, are puffed up marketing releases from clinicians desperate for business. But it's hard. For anyone, no matter how much you think you might be immune.
Conversely, I've heard stories of women enjoying their make-up free lives, their skin glowing from more sleep and rest, less alcohol. Some who were unable to get Botox realising they don't need it, or need it again just yet. Not screwing up your face angrily on a daily commute has to be a good thing too.
You might not feel like that - you might feel the way those surveys say you do. But I'd argue that they do little to make you feel 'included' or like 'you're not alone'. Just justified.
Or, you might change your mind between those two viewpoints every three minutes. It's your face. It's personal. So stop pre-emptively telling women how they feel. And please, stop telling us we hate our faces.