Parents up and down the country are having sleepless nights. And it’s the government’s fault, for their part in creating the new parenting debate: Should I be sending my child back to school?
Well, that’s the view from there I’m sitting, which is staring into a phone of endless WhatsApps from friends who are tearing themselves apart over whether to send their child back into nursery or school if they're not in the group closed by the government already.
And, if they've made the decision, they are now tearing themselves up about that. Or, maybe, even getting torn up by others on another WhatsApp group. Which is always a fun perk of parenting.
With a lack of clear guidance, scientific evidence they trust, understandable anxiety and a good old dose of parents guilting and shaming other parents, I’ve heard about sleepless nights, anguished conversations, panic attacks and even arguments within families about what they should do. as term starts again for some - but not others today.
Because as the cases rise and rise, some schools close, others don't, most nurseries open, some are shut by staff shortages the picture from the government looks increasingly like they've lost control.
Add onto this teaching unions calling on staff not to return for their safety and scientists across the community asking for them to close, it's no wonder some parents - despite the government's insistence that schools are safe - aren't sure what's the best thing to do.
Oh, and if you don't send your child back, it's unclear if you'll be fined, if they're at nursery you'll still be charged and somehow, you'll then have to probably do your job that pays the family's bills. So there's that floating around too when you decide whether to shoo them past the school gates.
Meanwhile, rumours swirl of a Tier 5 lockdown shutting schools or a national lockdown meaning schools close. As many parents have expressed, it's possible to want your kid to go to school and worry about homeschooling and remaining sane, as well as worrying about teachers and whether it's safe for anyone involved.
Because, thanks to the new strain, more and more parents are also fearing that if their child can't go to school or nursery, then grandparents won't be able to safely babysit either.
‘I’ve thought about quitting my job over it all,’ said one mother, Sarah* who doesn’t know what to do about sending her child back to nursery. ‘I don’t find messages about it being safe for children that reassuring, because there is still some risk. It’s a huge dilemma that I keep going in circles about.’
Last week, education Secretary Gavin Williamson said the 'overwhelming majority' of primary schools would open as planned on 4 January but 'in a small number of areas where the infection rates are highest, we will implement our existing contingency framework, such that only vulnerable children and children of critical workers will attend face to face. '
'This is being used only as a last resort,' he says. 'This is not all tier four areas' adding that the areas will be reviewed regularly so schools can open to all pupils as early as possible. You can review the list here.
For secondary schools, because the Covid infection rate is particularly high among secondary school age pupils, all pupils in exam years will return during the week beginning 11 January, with all secondary and college pupils returning full-time on the 18 January.
This is in order to allow more time so every school is able to fully roll out testing for all pupils and staff. Over the next week, secondary schools and colleges will prepare to test as many staff and students as possible and will only be open to vulnerable children and children of key workers, Williamson confirmed.
Williamson added that military personnel will provide virtual training to help with testing, with teams on standby to provide in-person support if needed.
READ MORE: Which Primary Schools Remain Closed This Week? The List Of Schools Not Opening That You Need
It’s fair to say there’s also been some doubts around the government’s handling of the whole coronavirus crisis. Prime Minister Boris Johnson, after all, boasted about shaking hands with people with coronavirus not that many moons ago (even if it feels like it). Even being kind to the government, it’s fair to say the situation has been… moving. Why, wonder the minds of parents at 2am in the morning, are they so sure about this being ok?
So, with all that in mind (or floating, terrifyingly, around your mind), it’s no surprise parents are worried about whether it is safe after all. And – crucially – they feel that rather than being able to faithfully and happily send their children off in the knowledge everything is OK, the onus is on them to keep them safe. It 's not what we're used to when it comes to childcare. The institutions are rigorously checked by authorities like Ofsted that are dedicated to taking those worries out of the hands of parents and illuminating any problems.
I’m wanting him [in] childcare... But the guilt of him getting sick as a consequence is overwhelming.
For those who work, that guilt is now matched by the overwhelming exhaustion of having children at home full-time while trying to keep their jobs. And on top of that they now worry that with childcare being an option, companies may now be less understanding if you 'choose' to keep your child at home.
So, for some, they’ve done the calculations of concern vs concern and have opted on the side of childcare – and that’s weighing on them now. Phoebe* says during the first lockdown, she and her husband split days, getting up at 5am, and then working again when their son goes to bed, often not sleeping until midnight. She really crystallises what I’ve heard from a lot of parents wondering if their guilt maths will come back to haunt them.
‘I want him [in] childcare so I can get my evenings back and so he can socialise with other children,’ she says, ‘But the guilt of him getting sick as a consequence is overwhelming.’
And there’s the guilt about the nursery workers and teachers too, once you’ve done the whole horrendous panic about your children and you’ve got five minutes to sleep left. One father, Sam* told me, ‘I don’t know if the workers have any freedom not to work – I worry that our need to work and have our child in nursery will require someone else to take risks.’
Even if you’re dead set on your decision either way, there’s the judgement to deal with from others who feel the opposite to you. ‘The fact some people know for certain what they will or won’t do has made this even more stressful for me, when work is already difficult,’ Jenny* says. Many friends who are sending their children back have experienced judgement on the WhatsApp groups they’re on – or even face-to-face from other parents, trying to dissuade them from their decisions. ‘It’s the terribly unclear guidance from the government plus distrust in them after the debacle at the beginning of lockdown, combined with the really strong views of other parents that’s made it so stressful.’
I understand that part of being a parent is a responsibility – and that, for the most part, the fact that what happens to your child, is your choice, is a 'good thing'. I understand that guilt is part of the package – every decision has up- and downsides that you panic could have lifelong effects. I understand that risk in life is constant – you can never really know what will happen at the start of a new day.
But I’m just so, so angry on behalf of my friends, who are really beating themselves up and tearing themselves apart over what they should do. Or have decided what they want to do, and are being attacked. I feel for my friends who are teachers too - who are now having to balance their own personal safety and that of their families against the children they care for day in, day out.
Either schools and nurseries can be opened safely or not – it seems to have been possible in other countries. If they can’t be opened safely, then why are we being made to do risk calculations over our children’s health and our ability to hold down a job in front of the court of public opinion? If they can be opened safely, why are other schools closed, why are boroughs and unions opting out? Why is it on us?
Fine, it’s up to us whether we send our kid to ballet, pierce their ears, encourage them to read, or love art, enjoy chocolate, or wear a Spiderman costume four days in a row. But whether a school or nursery is safe or not, shouldn’t be up to us to decide. It either should be, or not be. And the messiness around the messaging and how this has all played out is turning parents against each other, opening old wounds about working and non-working parents, and mostly leading to us punish ourselves for our difficult decisions.
It’s particularly heartbreaking, for me, to hear mums - after all the advances we think we’ve made - say that they feel they’re being judged for wanting to work, rather than provide childcare. Not normal childcare, let’s not forget, childcare that is accompanied by a whole nine plus hours of paid work. It’s just not fair.
So, what’s the conclusion? The sign-off? The answer – because everyone I know is just looking for an answer. Well, I don’t know. I guess this piece is just a big virtual hug to all the parents out there struggling – one that I hope gives some comfort, at whatever time at night you start worrying, that you're not alone. And a plea not to turn on each other for the decisions we make, but to turn on those who have made those decisions impossible.
READ MORE: Do I Have To Send My Child Back To School When They Reopen Or Will I Get Fined?