‘I know it’s not tradition for a bride to speak at their wedding… but that just seems f*cking ridiculous.’
That’s how I opened my (hella classy) wedding speech in December and yes, it was a cheap joke, but it’s also how a quick summation of how I felt. That’s probably why I felt all eye-rolly when the world went mad over the fact that Meghan Markle is apparently going to give a speech at her wedding to Prince Harry in May. To be honest, I’m more shocked now when a friend says she won’t be taking up the opportunity to speak at their wedding – if anything, it’s become so accepted that not taking the opportunity seems a shame.
Ironically - given most women speak at a wedding so as to not feel simply ‘talked about’ but audible as well as visible – we only have someone else’s word about Meghan’s intentions. A ‘source’ says the UN women’s advocate wants to deliver an ‘affectionate’ tribute and might even consider some jokes. And shocker, it’s wildly against royal protocol, though she does have Harry’s support.
The story, that has continued to make WORLDWIDE NEWS on the same day only one woman won a major award at the Grammys, also claims Meghan wants to have the chance to ‘thank her husband and everyone who has supported them’. Now, that bit made sense to me.
For me, it wasn’t about making a feminist stand – simply because it just seems obvious that in this day and age brides should have a fair standing on the ‘big day’. The arguments against sitting pretty and having a panel of three men (or two men and a woman, in our case) talk about you, are well-rehearsed. I ascribe to the church of feminism that says equality means you can do whatever you as a woman want to do. Be walked down the aisle by your dad, your mum, or your dog. Promise to obey, support or make each other’s toast for all eternity. Wear a white dress, a black suit, or (in my case) a Dreamgirls-inspired gold sequin gown. Do whatever you and your partner think best suits.
But I’m with Meghan (or her ‘source) on one thing – I wanted to thank people. Friends had flown from Dubai, my brother from New York, a young family from Jersey – one of my oldest school friends had made it along with her 13-day-old baby. My parents had been immensely supportive and generous with their money and time – as had my husband Tom’s parents. My bridesmaids had managed to organise a hen party of 50 women, where everyone had fun and absolutely no-one died (though a toe was broken) – miraculous! I wanted to say something about my Nan, and my mum’s lovely mum, who sadly died years earlier. I’m not very good at being open about how much I love and am thankful for Tom, I wanted to say that in front of everyone. Hell, having spent years at expensive, time-consuming weddings of varying levels of fun, knowing some people were attending their seventh wedding that year, I was glad that anyone had turned up, to be honest.
I recognise another motivation many women have - that they’ve organised the bloody thing, so they should have the right to say something (and being bolshy, there was of course an element of that). But for me, it was that I’ve never felt more grateful for all my family and friends and everything everyone had done for me, that I couldn’t, in good conscience, let the opportunity pass without saying thank you myself.
But as I laughed and cried my way through everyone else’s speeches I began to come out in a cold sweat. My dad didn’t leave a dry eye in the house, Tom had an entire PowerPoint presentation about footballer Kolo Toure (that it’d take too long to explain) and his best woman (his sister, Bella) also had everyone clutching for air with laughter thanks to her excellently picture-researched speech.
Not only was my speech a badly rehearsed (what now seemed) lame drinking game, getting everyone to toast every time I thanked the many people in my list – I realised everyone had already done my bit. Yes, I’d taken the decision to take back female agency and have my say… but everyone had kind of already said what I wanted to. I hadn’t thought that through until then. My co-speakers all fulfilled their responsibilities, carefully ironed-out over decades. My speech had no requirements set-out and now, I’d been wedding gazumped.
Of course, I couldn’t have been more thrilled that everyone’s speeches had gone down so well, but I would advise anyone who’s giving a speech to perhaps speak to the other parties and share the responsibilities, so your guests don’t have to sit there, gagging to dance/run to the loo/refill their glass hearing the same things twice. I ploughed on regardless, and will always be happy I got an opportunity in life to let everyone know how much I loved and was grateful for them. Even if it meant they had to wait five more minutes to go to the loo.
But as more and more women take on the decision to speak up at their wedding, I’d suggest some new rules be carved out. Surely we should thank our bridesmaids, and tell them how gorgeous they look. Should be ourselves allowed to say how thankful we are to our family – and our new one. How much we love our partner – and how fit they look in their suit. If we’re going to take the opportunity to speak, let’s make sure we also get our share of the good content too.