Calling all straight women in search of a 58-year-old nightclub owner featured in almost every 18-year-old girls ‘Ibiza’ holiday gallery on Instagram: your man is waiting for you. You just have to apply to Celebs Go Dating, go through the interview process and win over producers to steal a chance with the infamous O Beach owner, Wayne Lineker. That's right, the man who just a few months ago released his list of 'girlfriend requirements' is now dating on our TV screens and it is... interesting.
As you'll remember from his infamous Instagram post last year, he has a strange list of deal breakers for his future betrothed - from having a passport for your dog to loving Netflix’s Money Heist. And just as we enjoyed it then, we're revisiting it in all it's glory to understand just what Wayne is looking for on Celebs Go Dating...
‘So, my family have decided I need a girlfriend for my own sanity and health so here’s my criteria,’ he started in the post. ‘Let’s start this off like I’m normal.’
Already, we’re hooked. Wayne is not your normal guy, ladies, he’s quirky. He also has a ‘strong nice loving personality’, which to be fair, is pretty abnormal for any woman dating men right now. But it’s where he lists his must-haves for the woman in his life we can’t quite get enough.
‘You must like older men but only me,' he begins. 'You have to be a worldie and above 30 (Ok 28, 29 could work) but not my age as that would just look weird.'
Are we the only ones surprised he’s not willing to date someone under the age of 28? Yes, the bar for men is literally in hell, but we can’t say we weren’t getting Leonardo DiCaprio vibes from Wayne. Either way, that's half his O Beach clients out... sorry Gen Z.
He then proceeds in what is the best example of a humble-brag dating profile we've ever seen. He explains that you MUST like to travel business class and stay in only the best hotels, enjoy holidays to the Maldives and spend your summers in Ibiza with winters in Dubai. Your time in the UK will be two weeks for Christmas with family, but don't worry about spending the holidays with his kids - he says he doesn't have any 'baggage' as they're 'are all grown up'.
'Be prepared to give up your career or job or at least be able to work from a laptop on a tropical beach somewhere,' he writes. Never fear though, you don't have to give up your dog. As long as they have a passport (his words, seriously).
We have to say, aside from the fact he reminds us of every man that asks a question just to tell you their own heroic answer to said question, we wouldn’t say no to the Wayne Lineker wife life. That is, if only our dogs had passports and we could, you know, keep some semblance of our own life at the same time.
That’s the main takeaway from this first paragraph, right? That any wife of Wayne’s has to slot into his life with no friends, family or colleagues that might require some of their time away from Ibiza, Dubai or Christmas at the Lineker’s. But that’s where this become less of a dating profile and more of a sugar daddy advertisement, let’s be honest.
And it gets weirder.
You must like Netflix, especially Money Heist.
‘You must be able to cook as I love cooking, especially Waitrose ready-made meals. You also don’t need to be verified I can sort that for you.. house music and R&B lovers only. No heavy rock or pop music. You must like Netflix especially Money Heist and also real crime.'
Damn it! We only found Money Heist marginally okay! Guess we're out. But if you're still in, Wayne goes on to explain that if you love a rom-com, you simply CANNOT watch 'chick flicks' with him. 'Watch them with your mates' he says, you know, the same ones you only see for one evening at Christmas. But never fear, you'll be too busy to watch films anyway, you'll be busy skipping the queue to nightclubs, sitting at VIP tables and getting free drinks from the owners - Wayne tells you this because 'you need to be confident enough' to accept it. Believe in yourself, ladies.
You'll also need a driving license so you can share his cars ('Bentley and a Lamborghini Jeep pending') and you can't be on dating sites, have an OnlyFans or, crucially, have ever shared a teeth whitening post.
At this point, aside from the jokes about TV and teeth whitening (or, at least, we hope they’re jokes... ), this is starting to read less a description of his most desirable woman and more like an intense desire to recreate a relationship once lost. Wayne, what house-music-loving, crime-docu-obsessed, bandage-dress-wearing woman that once shared a teeth whitening post broke your heart?!
By the way, if you’re keeping score, most of us are out at this point, right? Wayne expects me to be a 'worldie' and be able to drive? Seriously, get real Linnie. But if you are one of the miraculous few acing this dating test, hold on, there's more...
You must love the gym, health food and have body definition as I will have soon.
‘You must love the gym, health food and have body definition as I will have soon. Accept and love my children and grandchildren and realise no more kids for me.. (never say never though)'
You'll also have to book all flights and online purchases through his PA (reasoning unclear) and accept his friends wholeheartedly, as well as the fact he HAS to reply to 'girls' DMs, not just guys (or women's apparently). So, no jealous types then... or women who like to buy anything themselves.
'One last thing,' he concludes. 'Your geography needs to be on point as girls that think Lincoln is in Wales is not good. Be intelligent but not boring. Outgoing suits.’
Well if we weren’t out before, loving someone else’s kids certainly did the trick. Also, we thought Lincoln was in China, sorry Wayne. Guess the Celebs Go Dating experts have their work cut out for them...
Read More:
Dad or Shag: The Scientific Reason You're Attracted To Older Men
What's It Really Like To Date Someone Three Decades Older Than You?