What do you do to avoid getting pregnant? Take the pill? Endure the implant? Use condoms? Well, according to Vicky Pattinson, none of them will quite do – so much so she’s resorted to sleeping in separate bedrooms to her boyfriend.
That’s right, the reality star turned TV presenter opened up about her experience with contraceptives this week in an interview with Notebook. Explaining that she had the contraceptive implant up until recently, Vicky said that intense mood swings caused her to have it removed and now, the only possible option to avoid her and boyfriend Ercan Ramadan having a baby is… abstinence.
‘I went to see my doctor recently because I was getting such mood swings. Even I could see what I was putting Ercan through was probably not normal,’ Vicky said. ‘The PMS would start two weeks before my period, then I’d be on for a week, so there was only one week a month when I was normal. Ercan would come home to find me crying on the sofa, and he would say, “Baby this isn’t normal”. That was my wake-up call.’
‘We are being super, super careful,’ she continued. ‘We are being “separate bedrooms” careful! ‘I would love a baby in the future, but I think we’ve got enough on our plate right now.’
It was an interesting admission, with many left wondering why the pair don’t simply use condoms. Since she’s not interested in other hormonal contraceptives (and to be clear, we don’t blame her), the good old sheath would easily solve that whole pregnancy problem.
But of course, most of us don’t really like condoms do we – and that’s something we really don’t talk about enough.
‘More and more of the women I know are coming off hormonal birth control for various reasons - from being on it for decades, to worrying about fertility to just general unwarranted scares from fake news - but hardly anyone I know is prepared to use condoms instead,’ says Emma, 36 from Essex. ‘Either they're relying on apps that supposedly let them know when sex is “safe” in terms of getting pregnant or just using the pull-out method.
‘Honestly, I feel like we were all so careful in our 20s and early 30s, now I'm sat there like, “Are we 15 again?” as people explain why their other half “just doesn't get on with condoms”’ Emma continues. ‘I feel like a sex ed teacher sometimes having to be the boring one like, “Errr yeah, but I don't think an unplanned baby is easier to “get on with”’
Rachel, 26 from London has a similar problem.
‘Almost all of my friends rely on the pull-out method,’ she says. ‘A lot of them have been on hormonal contraceptives and had terrible symptoms - like bleeding for months on end, really low moods, constant bloating or acne – so I get why they’re not using them but the condom-slander is wild to me. Yeah, it doesn’t feel as great but it’s affecting the man’s pleasure more than yours most of the time so to me it’s like… is it worth the morning after pill or potential STI or potential abortion?’
I worry a lot my friends don't use condoms because they want to look like the cool girl.
‘I hate to say this because all of my friends are such incredible, confident women but I think a lot of it is to do with wanting to look cool. Sometimes you can be swept up in the moment but most of my friends willingly admit that they’ll think about using a condom right before and then be like “fuck it” and I just think… why not though?’
Rachel raises an interesting point. Most women don’t orgasm from penetration, 80% in fact, so what’s so bad about using a condom for a part of sex that isn’t even getting us off anyway? I’d hasten to say avoid penetration altogether, but even if you like the physical intimacy of it – or that ‘full’ feeling – using a condom isn’t going to take away from that… so what’s the real barrier to using them for women? Is it, in fact, still the uncool-factor?
Maybe it is, but maybe it's also deeper than that. Sex, especially casual sex with a new partner, is a vulnerable time for many women. It's the time you want to be your most-confident, sexiest self - so it's no wonder then that the thought of suggesting something that might feel awkward and decidedly 'unsexy' can be overwhelming to some. Suggesting it alone can sometimes feel weird, never mind those few fumbling seconds where you or they are trying to get it on. It's not necessarily that they worry about being cool then, but ruining a moment that was building up to something exciting and pleasurable for both of you.
More than that, asking to use a condom is also an example of firm boundary setting. Once you ask the question, you have to prepare your reaction for if they say "no" or make up some wild excuse as to why they can't (hint: they can, they just don't want to... and no, they're never "too big" for one). So many of us struggle with setting boundaries, especially during sex, and in turn hate ourselves for having that struggle. 'If he tries to worm out of it, am I confident enough to demand it before we continue?' one might wonder. We all hope the answer is yes to that, but in an intimate setting where you might not be feeling as dominant or assertive, where you have 1000 different thoughts running through your head, it's not always that simple.
In a relationship though, like Vicky is in, you would surely expect that dynamic wouldn't be so dramatic (unless you really are going full ‘cool girl’ vibes in which case we really do suggest routine viewing of Gone Girl to rewire the brain) so why is condom-use still such a big deal? Because, even if condom’s aren’t a prime option pleasure wise, sex with condoms is surely better than no sex at all - as Vicky is doing.
After decades of use, women are still being forced off contraceptives because of severe lack of good alternatives.
Ultimately, what this all brings to the furore is the endless battle women have with contraception in general. Because, the fact Vicky can’t rely on hormonal contraceptives in the first place is the real issue here.
After decades of use, women are still being forced off medications prevent pregnancy because of a lack of research and alternatives into the horrific symptoms. Medications, I should add, that we’re shamed for not being on in the first place if we do experience accidental pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. Yes, using condoms comes with a whole host of its own complexities, but when women are bearing the brunt of responsibility for contraception – we should be able to find a long-term option that we both enjoy, feel comfortable using with partners and doesn’t ruin our lives with side-effects.
Resorting to abstinence might seem extreme in Vicky’s case, but perhaps we should all be doing it as a boycott until those in charge of researching and producing contraceptives actually listen to us – they’re probably all still cis straight men, at least that way we’ll get their attention.
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