Should You Have A Sex Schedule?

Some swear by it... Would you? Could you? Should you?

Sex schedule

by Rhiannon Evans |
Updated on

To some it may seem like sounding the death knell of hot, spontaneous sex, to others it's a way to keep the home fires burning - would you start a sex schedule?

The idea of scheduling sex and/or keeping up a regular pattern has again been raised after comments made by Claudia Winkleman, who is currently on the promo trail for her new book, Quite.

'I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves,' Claudia - who is married to film producer Kris Thykier - told The Sun. 'I haven't had sex with my husband for two days let's do it on the stairs.'

Whether or not Claudia was joking, painting a realistic portrayal of her sex life, or make a general point about the pressures we put ourselves under, the quotes have gone everywhere - and many of the stories have branded the idea a 'sex schedule'.

So, do you have a sex schedule? And if not, should you?

One reader told Grazia that her and her husband have sex every week on a Sunday night at the same time. But that rather than feeling depressing, it's the key to keeping them close.

Speaking in Grazia'a The Last Time I Had Sex column at the time, she said: 'So many friends with young children have all but given up on sex. It’s a few times a year, on birthdays and anniversaries, or if they manage to have a night away. I don’t want that.

READ MORE: The Last Time I Had Sex: The Woman Who Times Sex Around The TV Schedule

'I know our days of spontaneous, hot sex and screaming- out-loud orgasms are behind us, but I still want physical satisfaction and the emotional closeness it’s always given us.

'It may only be half an hour, but it’s probably the only 30 minutes in the week that are just about us as a couple, and I want to protect that. If planning ahead, having a ‘fixed’ time for sex every week and still squeezing in some reality TV works, is that so wrong?'

Joe Wicks' sex schedule

Claudia's not the first person to have spoken about the topic - in May, Joe Wicks told a podcast he and wife Rosie schedule in weekly sessions.

Speaking on the Made by Mammas podcast, he said: 'That time is so disrupted it’s almost like you’ve got to crowbar intimacy into your week. One night a week ... If you can go to bed earlier... It allows you to have that time to talk. You’ve got to get warmed up sometimes, you can’t just jump straight into things.

'Sometimes, I’ll go to bed with Rosie and we’ll have a really nice chat, we might watch a show [...] and you’re suddenly reconnecting.'

Should you have a sex schedule? An expert answers...

Alix Fox has been named Best Sexual Health Ambassador 2020 in the ETO Award, is a spokesperson for Womanizer luxury clitoral stimulators, resident sex specialist at Superdrug, and a host of The Modern Mann podcast.

She says: 'The idea of scheduling sex has a bad rep for being unromantic: ostensibly, compiling spreadsheets diarising when you plan to hit the bedsheets seems overly business-like, coldly robotic, and not much of a turn-on. It can help to consider that we kinda naturally appoint certain times where we hope to get saucy anyway, even in the most healthily lustful of relationships: we might reasonably have our fingers crossed for some action after a date, a dinner, or on a lazy weekend morning, for example. Sex schedules merely notice those natural windows of opportunity and make them slightly more formal.

'Having a schedule doesn’t necessarily mean that you and your partner are struggling sexually, or so reluctant to touch each other that you have to make appointments to do it, like a chore. Conversely, schedules can help couples who want to prioritise intimacy because it’s important and enjoyable to them, and ensure that they ring-fence moments of connection, escapism and comfort together amid their busy professional and personal lives.

'For couples who are experiencing a challenge, like mismatched libidos, scheduling sex can help the partner with the higher sex drive feel less like they’re constantly nagging their lover for attention, and give them pockets of time where there’s less risk of being sexually rejected. The partner with the lower libido gets a better chance to "get in the mood", although it’s vital to state that just because it says SEXYTIME on the calendar, consent is still key: nothing physical should ever happen unless both parties are enthusiastically on board. No-one gets to make demands because it’s 9pm on Saturday.

'Perhaps ‘scheduled intimacy’ is a better phrase than "scheduled sex": stop thinking of penetration as the only legitimate form of satisfaction, and instead make lists – first separately, then together - of all the types of sensual and erotic touch and tenderness you sometimes savour, from massage to spooning to role play, and see what you’d both be eagerly up for when the assigned time rolls around.

'I thoroughly recommend Dr Karen Gurney’s book Mind The Gap if you’d like to explore more about how sexual desire isn’t something we should expect to be constantly present so long as we ‘love’ or ‘fancy’ someone, but is actually dependent upon all sorts of additional contextual factors, and how understanding all these – and to some extent, planning around them - can aid us in fostering greater desire if we wish to.

'Finally, scheduling sex can also help to amp up excitement and anticipation, big time! If I know I’m getting h-h-hot later on, I spend the day sending my partner teasing texts, and listen to audio erotica as a form of solo foreplay during the journey to his place. DipseaStories.com is a female-founded erotica app with brand new stories added every Sunday, so it’s perfect for scheduled shennanigans. Select from categories including “Threesomes”, “Booty Play”, “Sex in Public”, “Romantic”, “Toys” and “Friends Become More Flirty”, and pick whether you want a five-minute quickie or a longer, more lingering 20-minute erotic epic when you know you can afford not to rush. There are also a whole host of “How To” lessons, that teach you to do things like improve your dirty talk; outline the basics of BDSM for beginners; and even help you ask for what you want from your lover. Use the promo code ALIXFOX for a free 30-day trial when you sign up for a year (you can cancel, no strings, at any time if it’s not your cuppa).'

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