Men, You Don’t Need To Be A Father, Husband Or Brother To Care About Violence Against Women

As women continue to share their experiences of harassment, abuse and living in fear following Sarah Everard’s disappearance, some men finally seem to be listening. Some have got it right, providing support, educating other men on how to actively help and listening when women tell them what they can do – others however, have got it so, so wrong.

One of those men includes the conservative candidate for London’s Mayor, Shaun Bailey, who tweeted ‘As a father and husband it breaks me to think that my wife and daughter have to live in fear in their own city. It doesn’t have to be this way. As Mayor, I‘ll ensure that we are working to deliver for the safety of women and girls in London.’

Yes, he did use the disappearance of a woman and pain of others to plug his Mayoral campaign - but that’s not where the horror ends. In reiterating the ‘As a father of daughters’ narrative, Bailey completely misses the mark in his misguided attempt to show solidarity with women. As did many other men who tweeted similar sentiments. Because, you shouldn’t need to be a father, husband or brother to know women living in fear of men is wrong.

‘WHAT YOU SAY: As a father and a husband…WHAT WE HEAR: Before I “got” a woman of my own, women had no value to me,’ one woman commented in response.

‘Why do men have to be like “as a father and a husband...” when talking about respecting women’s rights as if it’s something they’ve only learned through those experiences?’ another social media user added. ‘I’m a gay man with no children. I still know to respect women because I’m not a twat.’

They’ve hit the nail on the head, haven’t they? Because in any situation where you have to preface your opinion of women with the notion that you know or are in close contact with one, it suggests that prior to that moment you didn’t care at all. More than that, it suggests that men who don’t are incapable of respecting us too. And you know what that is? Terrifying.

If we believe that men only care about women and the discrimination we face when they marry one, or have a daughter, it leaves the rest of us wondering what the hell the men who aren’t married to a woman or have daughters think of us. It also takes their agency away, as if they can’t possibly understand the dangers women face – i.e. them – without a woman teaching them.

Once again, it’s left up to us to educate our husbands, brothers or fathers instead of them doing the work themselves. So, not only does the ‘as a father/husband/brother’ response imply they never cared about women until ‘owning’ one, it infantilises all other men who haven’t or don’t – almost giving them an out in not caring about women at all.

Men should be able to respect women without having direct access to us through marriage or family ties. They should be able to pick up a book of their own accord and educate themselves, listen to our experiences when we scream about them even if (shock, horror) they don’t know us and thus, we’re not providing any tangible value to their life.

It’s like men only feel the need to respect us when they’re getting something in return – as is the case in so many other instances in life. So stop with your ‘as a father’ prefaces, you shouldn’t need to be related to us to treat us with basic human decency.

And to be honest, it makes no sense at all anyway. Men can be fathers, husbands and brothers while still being terrible human beings with zero respect for women. In fact, women are most likely to be killed by an intimate partner or family member, so to imply being a husband or father makes you respect women negates the experiences of countless women subject to domestic abuse.

Instead of tweeting, maybe focus on educating the other men in your life, writing to your MP to support zero tolerance for crimes of violence against women, volunteering for programmes where you can help teach young men how their behaviour impacts women. There is so much more you can do beyond tweeting futile support.

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