Rosie Duffield, Labour MP for Canterbury, delivered a harrowing and emotional speech about her experience of domestic violence to Parliament yesterday, reiterating the desperate need for the new Domestic Abuse Bill to be made law.
Delivering the 10-minute long speech to a small number of MPs who attended the debate on the domestic abuse bill, Duffield explained that our ideas of an abusive relationship are not complex enough. ‘Domestic violence has many faces and the faces of those who survive it are varied too. Sometimes there are no bruises,’ she said.
‘Often we see the same images and stereotypes on TV. Housing estates, working-class families, drunk men coming home from the pub. Women surrounded by children and a sequence of shouting followed by immediate physical violence or assault. But the soap opera scene only tends to focus on one or two aspects of a much bigger and more complex picture.’
Proving this very point, she went on to explain how her former relationship was abusive – highlighting parts of domestic abuse that are drastically misunderstood, like financial abuse and coercive control. Explaining how domestic abuse isn't obvious from the outside, she gave a detailed account of her own experience.
‘When they ask you out they don’t present their rage, and they don’t tell you that they like the idea of strong independent successful women but not the reality,’ she said. 'They don’t threaten, criticise, control or exert their physical strength in increasingly frightening ways – not yet. Not at the start. Not when they think you’re sweet, funny and gorgeous. Not when they turn up to your third date with chocolates, then jewellery. Not when they meet your friends, or the leader of your political party.
‘They don’t do any of that then,' she continued, 'it’s only later when the door to your home is locked. Only then do you really start to learn what power and control looks and feels like. That’s when you learn that “I’ll always look after you, I’ll never let you go” and “You’re mine for life” can sound menacing and are used as a warning. It’s when the ring is on your finger that the mask can start to slip.'
Explaining how her former partner would use the 'silent treatment' as a form of control, she said she would spend all day excited to see him only for him not to speak a word the entire way home. Later, she would find out he was unhappy with her clothes, or the fact she didn’t reply to a text straight away.
One of the most harrowing parts of her speech was her account of a trip they took together. ‘In a strange city his face changes in a way you are starting to know and dread,’ she said. ‘In a way that tells you, you need to stay calm, silent and very careful. You read a city guide … mentally packing a day full of fun. But he seems to have another agenda. He doesn’t want you to leave the room. He’s paid a lot of money and you need to pay him your full attention. You are expected to do as you are told. You know for certain what that means, so you do, exactly what you are told.
‘Those patterns continue: reward, punishment, promises of happy ever after, alternating with abject rage, menace, silent treatment and coercive control.'.
Receiving support from her fellow MPs, many of whom where moved to tears, her contribution was dubbed the most ‘simultaneously horrifying and as moving a contribution’ that speaker John Bercow had heard in his 22 years in the Commons.
Explaining how the abuse she suffered eventually became more evident as her partner became abusive in public, she said that humiliation only added to her feelings of shame.
Eventually, Duffield escaped the relationship after she spent two weeks timing her partner's showers and – once aware of his routine – hid his keys so he would be locked out of the house. After weeks of threatening texts, call and emails, she said she spent six months grieving, crying and attempting to heal explaining the experience ‘like withdrawal’.
Ending her speech by recalling how she eventually started to 'smile again' and relax, she said the only thing that got her through the experience was the belief and support of her friends, family and colleagues. ‘If anyone is watching and needs a friend, please reach out if it safe to do so and please talk to any of us, because we will be there and hold your hand,’ she concluded.
Her words have been called ‘life saving’ for women by other MPs as she proves the need for the new laws around domestic abuse. The new bill will redefine domestic abuse to include economic and non-physical abuse for the first time – also adding new protections for victims. If it becomes law, it will also prohibit the cross-examination of victims by their abusers in family courts.
The bill was considered at risk once again yesterday when Boris Johnson announced his intention to prorogue parliament for the second time, however it has been confirmed the bill will be carried over into the next session.
You can watch Duffield’s full speech here: