Last week, divorce rates in China spiked as couples were forced to self-isolate together, according to registry offices across the country. At the time, jokes were circulating online as the possibility of quarantine in the UK loomed.
Now, as the government is officially warning everyone to practise social-distancing and encouraging people to work from home, it really is no laughing matter. Most likely, you are sitting with someone right now – or multiple someones – in the same room, facing the possibility of weeks of prolonged exposure. Of course, we’d all hope that our life partners are sufficient apocalypse partners, but the likelihood is we’ll all be snarling, hissing and eye-rolling within hours.
With that in mind, we spoke to Britain’s top divorce lawyer, Ayesha Vardag, as well as relationship counsellor Beverley Hills for some expert advice on exactly how to avoid heading to your lawyers the moment normal life resumes.
These are the times that can make or break a marriage, so here are their top tips on sustaining a relationship during self-isolation…
Don’t hide your fears
‘Government and international restrictions are often imposed without much notice and are sometimes earth-shattering,’ says Vardag. ‘Are your kids safe at school? What about the one who might be locked out abroad? What do you do about your elderly mother in a four-week lockdown? Are you going to have a job next week? That temper tantrum, that snappy reply, might come from pure fear. Give each other love and compassion and assume as a starting point that grumpiness comes from distress.’
But be positive
‘Avoid that whole “the sky is falling, we’re all going to die” approach,’ she continues. ‘Nobody likes it. You just freak out your loved ones and bring them down. Focus on problem-solving difficulties and other than that, after you’ve followed all sensible advice, try to forget about it all and make those around you feel happy and optimistic.
‘People swear by meditating. It’s another way to get space, too. Just chill yourself out, use an app that takes you to a happy place, and find your inner zen, so you can bring it to your partner.’
Avoid social media where you can
‘It’s just going to ramp up your anxiety, check in maybe once a day but you can do lots of other things,’ says Hills. ‘Pick up a book, exercise in the garden, get boardgames out – turn the televisions and computers off and get back to getting to know each other.’
Avoid too much drinking
‘We’re all under stress worrying about what’s to come but drowning your sorrows can lead to the dark side: we’ve had more calls about domestic violence since this started, and even when it stops short of that, the risk of being cruel or verbally aggressive escalates after a few beers,’ advises Vardag.
Get to know each other again
‘Remember all the times you moaned about being at work? Here is your free time,’ says Hills. ‘This will pass, not as quickly as you might like it to, but it will pass, so it’s basically a staycation – treat it as a holiday. Cuddle more, touching releases oxytocin which will calm you and help relieve stress.
‘Now’s the chance to ask all the questions you did when you first met and recalibrate your relationship. What are their hopes and dreams? Who were they when they first met and who are they now? This is the perfect opportunity to really understand who your partner is and what they want after being together for so long.’
Try a new hobby, together
‘Whether this be a new recipe or an entirely new hobby, try and use the time to explore new activities and have some fun,’ says Vardag. ‘Take that online tango class, that DVD ski class – learn Spanish, listen to the Iliad on audio book (Stephen Mitchell’s translation got me through recovery for an eye op when I couldn’t use screens), learn to knit. Maybe you rediscover the joys of Scrabble or Monopoly. Keep your mind busy and share new experiences.’
Don’t be afraid to claim your own space
‘Telling your partner that you need time to yourself is not a rejection,’ advises Vardag. ‘Designating areas of your home for personal use will help to keep you both sane. Whether it’s a half hour bubble bath, a long walk down an empty field or an hour reading a magazine, take that precious alone-time. Remember that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and you have to find it where you can in quarantine.’
And make sure you stick to it
‘Make a contract with your partner about space,’ says Hills. ‘We’re not used to spending this much time together, normally we only see each other on weekends and evenings so make sure you are both clear about what space is yours and stick to it.’
Maintain contact with people outside the relationship
‘Use Skype and FaceTime to see your friends and family and have a closer human experience than email and text,’ says Vardag.
Don’t try and fix how someone’s feeling
‘You might be dealing with this crisis very differently, with one of you relaxed and the other very panicked,’ says Hills. ‘But, when someone’s suffering from anxiety, you can’t change that. You can give them breathing tips, but the likelihood is that if they typically suffer with anxiety they’ll have their own ways of coping. All you can do is support them and know that they can’t control how anxious they’re feeling. Equally, if someone is more relaxed than you, you can’t try and make them more concerned – you have to accept you deal with crises differently.’
‘Remember, if you’re really struggling, Samaritans are always available for free on 116 or online to help and you can get online counselling from the Counselling Directory,’ she adds.
Make an effort
‘Get up, shower, wash your hair, put your make-up on at least sometimes,’ Vardag advises. ‘Otherwise not only will your partner start eyeing you askance, you’ll end up feeling totally depressed and lose your sense of yourself.’
Try to forget what you can’t control
‘If you’re dealing with financial instability or one of you has been laid off, this will be an even more trying time,’ says Hills. ‘One thing I always teach is that you can’t fix what you can’t control – so there’s no point crying over something that happens at 4am when you can’t fix it until the morning. Be proactive when you can and talk to others about how they’re handling job insecurity or personal crises – sharing those experiences will help create a sense of community.’
Keep a structure
‘Don’t let the days all drift into one big Netflix couch-potato blur,’ says Vardag. ‘Set your alarm and exercise – do the original Jane Fonda workout (still the best), ideally do it with your partner and you might find something to laugh about. Do your work in a steady place, at a steady time, in a clear working space, trying to keep to normal work hours. Set a time that you’ll sit down and watch something on the TV or read a book side by side.’
Have sex
‘There’s a website called Mojo that is a game-changer for couples and now is the prime time to try it,’ says Hills. ‘It’s an interactive sex questionnaire for couples. You take the test on separate computers, however you put both emails in so that when you both have the same answer on a certain sex-related question you will be sent an email to notify each other. It’s a great way to find out new facets of your sexuality and sexual relationship if you find those conversations uncomfortable – now’s the time to spice it up at home!’
The founder and President of Vardags__, Ayesha is Britain's top divorce lawyer and specialises in high-net-worth divorce.
Anyone can contact Samaritans free at any time from any phone on 116 123, even a mobile without credit. This number won’t show up on your phone bill. Or you can email jo@samaritans.org or visit Samaritans.org to find the nearest branch, where you can talk to a trained volunteer face to face.
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