‘The Hickey Is Back, And It’s The Best News I’ve Heard In 2021’

I’ve been quite surprised by the list of ‘things that are cheering me up’ during the final, dark days of 2021. Firstly, camp Christmas adverts– pre pandemic, there would have been eye rolling, and mutterings about the aggressive pressure to participate in festive capitalism before December begins . Now, I want to be rolled in glitter, strung with fairy lights and gunged with Limited Edition Matcha Flavour Bright Green Tia Maria. I’m enjoying my mid week hangovers, too! Being out, with other people, in an actual pub! Drinking red wine that is slightly worse than the red wine you can have at home! Missing dinner and eating crisps! There was no way anyone was missing dinner in 2020. It was the only thing in our calendars. And now, I know for sure that my personality has changed entirely and irrevocably because of this. I’m thrilled about Pete Davidson’s love bite. I thought I believed that love bites were revolting. Unbecoming on anyone under 22. This might be why Kim Kardashian is the most effective influencer our culture will ever know. She takes something that seems unappealing – shiny beige leggings, or vocal fry – and makes us lust for it to the point of obsession.

There is so much to surprise and delight us about Pete’s romance with Kim Kardashian.From Google’s description of their meet-cute – ‘Kardashian and Davidson were first spotted holding hands close to Halloween while riding the rollercoaster at Knott's Scary Farm,’ to the fact that the social media priest chosen to ordain the pair as an Instagram official item, was Flavor Flav - this courtship is clearly an early Christmas present for us all. I didn’t know quite how much I wanted and needed it. And now, all over the internet, highlighted with a bright red hoop of hope, is Pete’s hickey. (When one American gives another American a love bite, in America, hickey is the word we are obliged to use.)

I might be a married 36 year old woman with at least three internet tabs open on various Black Friday deals for Karcher pressure washers, but I am giddy about the hickey. It makes me feel like a teenage girl, and I’m pretty sure that it makes Kim and Pete feel like teenagers too. To be completely clear, biting the flesh of your lover should only ever be a consensual act. But perhaps that’s part of my personal hickey nostalgia. We haven’t been allowed to touch each other for so long. It’s thrilling to know that a pair of heavyweight celebrities, with endorsement deals and Amex Black cards and social media managers are as sensorily deprived as we are, so desperate to eat each other’s faces that they’re left looking as though the lights just came up at the school disco.

I suspect we know a lot less than we think we do about Kim’s marriage to Kanye West. But Kim spoke about the break up on the last season of KUWTK, memorably revealing ‘I used to think that [living apart] was when we were getting along the best, but to me that’s sad and that’s not what I want. I want someone where we have the same [TV] shows in common. I want someone that wants to work out with me.’ She sounded so lonely. It broke my heart to hear it. Kim, one imagines, can have absolutely anything she wants, the very second that her brain has brought the idea into being. But she couldn’t get her husband to watch TV with her. The Kardashian-West marriage, as portrayed by the media, looked grand, dynastic and serious. More like a merging of companies than two people coming together to fall crazily in love. I did not know quite how badly I wanted something more for Kim, or how invested I was in her happiness, until I saw where her teeth had touched Pete’s neck.

Pete, too, brings heavy baggage. He’s been open about dealing with grief in the aftermath of his father’s death and struggling with his mental health. He has faced criticism for some of his insensitive jokes on SNL and for the way he treated his ex girlfriend comedian Cazzie David- . He’s a prolific dater of very famous women – a lifestyle which tends to invite tabloid words into your life. ‘Tempestuous’. ‘Troubled’. Dating Pete Davidson doesn’t always look like fun. But now that we’re in Hickey Country, the backseat of Kim’s SUV might be the happiest place on earth.

I don’t need to tell you that we’re still in the throes of Strange Times. The global pandemic has forced us to live in the moment. For most of us, living in the moment has meant finding small, ineffectual ways to supress limitless panic and horror by rewatching Bridgeton for a fourth time, or trying some spicy new techniques with roast cauliflower. Counting our blessings. And I feel vicariously #blessed by the hickey. It is a benediction for all fans of kissing, Kim and celebrity trivia. Let us all go forth and follow our teenage dreams by snogging our way to Christmas! (With the full and enthusiastic consent of the snoggee, proof of vaccination and a negative PCR result, of course.) Hickeys ahoy!