Ten years! It’s a loooong old time to wake up next to the same person every day. Many of us feel like we were different people a decade ago – a hell of a lot can happen in that time. And in a marriage, chances are that involves a few kids, maybe an affair, perhaps a move across a world or maybe even a divorce (sorry, but just look at the stats).
But one couple still, seemingly, going strong after a decade is Kate and William, who celebrate their 10-year anniversary today. A cynic might point out they do have an easier ride, what with the butlers, the nannies and, you know, a palace to live in... but there’s no cynics here!
To mark their marriage milestone we spoke to married people who’ve been with their spouses for 10 years to hear how much their relationship has changed in a decade and find out, what does love look like after that long?
We romanticise that image of an old couple sitting on a park bench after 60 years of marriage, still lovingly gazing at each other. But what about the inbetween bit? Where they're juggling kids, work, trying to maintain friendships, romance and everything inbetween. Unsurprisingly, it's not always fun and games, but in these cases, it's worth it...
Anna Whitehouse, author of Where’s My Happy Ending? says: 'I don’t think anyone truly marries on that day, it’s at ten years where you’ve navigated loss, grief, financial stress and sleepless nights together that you truly cement the ‘I do’.
'For all the frippery of that wedding day, ten years on my husband and I have finally learned to argue efficiently. A few years into our relationship, days would be wasted on huffiness, sulking and turning away from each other at night. We learned to remove "you need to" or "you didn’t" in an argument and to ask instead "what does love need now?" And often what it needs is for both of you to take a step back and be kinder. Easier said than done when faced with unhinged dishwasher stacking.'
Tessa, 39, has also been married for 10 years and she and Matt have a seven and a three year old. They met at Sheffield University, in freshers weeks.
She says: ‘In the early stages it was all about having fun, travelling together, building a life but also spending loads of time socialising together and separately. We were close but we also had our own social lives and we’d go on holiday separately sometimes. Now we have kids it’s obviously totally different. It’s easy to neglect your relationship once you’ve got children and just think that person will always be there for you and you don’t have to make effort and work at it. But the relationship always feels so much better when we do work at it and take time to be together. Even just taking the time to speak to each other nicely rather than just bark instructions about the kids.
'We might not be able to have fun and glamourous adventures anymore but having the children has given us a new bond we didn’t have before. As many therapists will tell you, you do have to make effort not to only talk about the children and make sure you’ve got other things to say to each other.
'When we first got together at Sheffield University we were very different people, but when you’ve got jobs, children and mortgage to think about obviously things change. We had to get used to refocusing our relationship on our children. When you’re married with kids you need to make sure everything doesn’t get subsumed into family life. But that family life also knits you closer together. In our case it’s strengthened the bond between us.’
John Adams has been married to Gill for 12 years with two daughters. They live in Kent.
‘What changes? A lot probably depends if you have kids or not. Many people are fooled into thinking the biggest challenges are in the early days of their kids' lives. Each family is different so for some that'll be true, but the challenges you face with tweens / teens are immense.
'In an ideal world, I'd like to get out more with my wife and in time I guess it'll happen. I would be lying if I said sex and intimate moments happen as often, but I personally feel much better off being in a loving relationship than single. Also, how much of that is down to the inevitable impact of age rather than your relationship dwindling? I think some people go into marriage with a romanticised, Hollywood idea of relationships. Big mistake. You need to go into marriage from day one accepting it is much more about slobbing about in tracksuit bottoms and t-shirts than ballgowns and dinner jackets.’
John is a blogger and podcaster dadbloguk.com/ DadPodUK.
READ MORE: Caitlin Moran: 'After 25 Years, Here's What I've Learnt About A "Good Marriage"'