From September, children of all ages are due to return to school (and in Scotland they already have) after almost six months off in some cases. But as the debate around the safety of getting kids back into school, versus the risk of keeping them at home rages on, what aer you supposed to say to your children? Over the last few months, there have been lots of difficult conversations around how to speak to children about Coronavirus and the huge changes it’s had on our lives. But now that children are returning to education, more than ever, they’ll be facing a different world – one involving social distance, rigorous cleaning and small, bubble groups to mention just a few things that will become their reality.
Ahead of that change, many parents will be wondering how best to broach things with their children – Chartered Psychologist Dr Penny Utton, of Parent Scheme (which partners with employers to help them support working parents), gives her advice.
Should I tell my children abut the changes to schools before they go back?
In handling change and uncertainty, your child most needs you to help them cope, practically and emotionally. Children regulate their emotions via a trusted adult. Therefore, the calmer and more emotionally regulated the adult, the calmer and more regulated the child. As an effective role model, you will promote your child’s belief that they will be able to cope. How you speak to them will have a powerful influence on how your child copes.
Offer your age-appropriate honesty in answer to any questions. Honesty builds trust - children are more likely to keep confiding in you and sharing with you if they trust that they will hear the truth calmly and factually. Children will tend to imagine an answer where none is given. If a child is nervous about something this imagining may take the form of quite an anxiety-provoking stream of thoughts. It is therefore best to be honest with children, offering as much certainty as you can without giving false hope or becoming too immersed in worry yourself. Again, being calm and regulated in yourself will help with this.
Answer their questions as comprehensively as possible. They may ask you the same question repeatedly. This is OK and perfectly normal, just keep answering it as consistently as you can. If you are unsure of the answer to a question, tell your child you will try and find out the answer and follow this up.
Which topics do you think it’s important to talk to children about before they return to school?
What you need to discuss will depend on what your child is concerned about. Once you have created the opportunity for a calm, open conversation, you can begin to understand their thoughts and feelings. It is important to focus on the positives as well as the concerns - listen to what they are excited about too. Ask open questions like: What are you most looking forward to? What have you missed? How is this good for our family?
All of our children are different and their age and stage will impact the questions they have. Here are some key topics you may want to think about and chat through:
Practicalities: How will things work, what will classrooms and the playground look like, how will drop off work.
Relationships: Consider how the social distancing measures being taken at school will most affect them e.g. partial classes, peer group of a ‘bubble’ with no mixing across bubbles, limited access to school and playground, changes to teachers, reduced extra-curricular activities.
Expectations: From you and the teacher, especially the balance of priorities between emotional, social, academic and physical wellbeing
Individual personality: Based on their own previous handling of change is there a particular worry? For example a particular club, sport or friendship which will be affected.
How should I address them? What does a good conversation look like?
Remaining calm is the guiding principle in your conversation with your child. Ensuring you are calm, undistracted and have put aside your own feelings will enable you to hear them clearly and respond positively.
Find a time that suits you and your child. If you interrupt your child whilst they are busy or engaged in another activity you are unlikely to get their full attention (or best mood!). You also know how your child likes to talk. Would it suit them best to plan the talk with them - for example, inform them that tomorrow, after breakfast you will go for a walk together and chat about their return to school - or do they prefer informal chats and it would be better simply to go for that walk and raise the topic casually?
Take your time to really listen to your child. Engage in their excitement, their hopes and expectations as well as their worries and fears. Try not to be tempted to gloss over any of their fears with platitudes or unfounded optimism like, 'It will all be OK, you’ll see' or 'Don’t worry, it will be great!' 'You’re a bright kid, you’ll be fine'. This may lead them to feel alone and misunderstood which could shut the conversation (and future conservations) down.
Equally, try not immerse yourself so thoroughly in their fears and worries that it promotes further anxiety or makes things feel hopeless like, 'I agree, things will never be the same again, it’s all awful.'
Talk to your child about everything that will remain the same, emphasising in doing so that not everything has changed, for instance, we will have breakfast as normal, drive to school as normal. Talk about positives where possible like seeing friends, catching up, learning not by screen, playing with toys.
As a parent you need to balance genuine empathy, interest and understanding with realism, honesty and hope so that you can help your child move forward rather than getting stuck.
For some children, there may be an experience of grieving; your child may feel a real loss returning to school and leaving the family unit. This may prompt regression in younger ones. Again, try to accept this rather than highlight or worry about it. Listen to your child’s grief and empathise, do not be too quick to distract from their feelings or minimise them. Their feelings will be eased if heard.
At the end of the conversation reflect in summary what you have heard, including any worries or sadness. Remind them also of any positives and highlight their strengths and resources. Be willing to have the conversation repeatedly if needed. Try to keep your tone calm, light and confident, so your child will feel the same.
Remember, however well you prepare them, it will be an unsettled time for a while but try not to forget how phenomenally adaptable and resilient children are.
Are there any questions or topics you’d avoid? I worry about scaring them.
Avoiding addressing the return to school can increase your child’s anxiety. Avoidance can communicate to your child that the conversation is too frightening for you to hold.
Engage with and do not be afraid to come back to specific anxieties, 'You know you said that....' 'I've been thinking about what you said and….' Make sure these are their anxieties and not yours.
But do be age appropriate and frame positively. For example, younger children create relationships through shared stories. If your child appears reluctant to talk, a good tactic when trying to facilitate a conversation is to share a story about yourself that they do not already know. When sharing this story share some of your own feelings of worry, upset or uncertainty and how you overcame such feelings or coped with them like, 'I was really nervous on the first day of my job, I did not know anyone and I was worried no one would like me. I also had to deliver regular presentations to rooms full of important people. I had never delivered presentations before; I was so scared' (you may place a pause here to see if you child is engaging, ideally your child may ask 'So what did you do next?') 'I told a colleague of mine how I was feeling and they helped me practise beforehand, they also did a couple of the presentations with me. Now I deliver presentations all the time without even thinking. That colleague is also now my best friend too, you know them as Aunt Julie!' After sharing this story try to utilise silence for a while and see what your child comes back with. If you have chosen a story which is relevant to them and how they are feeling you may be surprised with how much they share. This will help you gauge where you need to talk more and where they are unconcerned.
What are the most common concerns you're hearing from parents?
Most parents and children in the coaching sessions have mixed feelings about their children returning to school. They include worry, anxiety, hope, excitement, relief and even fear.
If your child was struggling at school prior to lockdown then they may feel particularly nervous about their return. Helping them to recognise that they can change how they respond to an environment or other people can empower them to deal with a difficult peer relationship, teacher or challenging subject differently. If lockdown has given them a chance to enjoy new interests, build confidence in some friendships or feel valued in their individuality, talk through how this will help them to respond to the challenges back at school.
Take the time to reflect on what they have learned during lockdown, about themselves and others and discuss what strategies you could support them with as they return. Sharing your observations can help, 'I’ve noticed that you…', 'I have seen you be really good at…' Asking your child to share particular scenarios that concern them and role playing different ways of handling it can help them feel able to handle situations with more confidence.
If I have reservations about children going back, should I try not to let them know about that?
Essentially, yes! If you have made the decision to send your child back, their return is primarily now about them, not you. Sharing your feelings to build empathy may be appropriate, 'I feel a bit nervous but I can do it because…' helps them to see that coping with challenges is normal. On the other hand 'I’m worried no one else at school will wash their hands properly' simply adds to their existing concerns about something they have no control over.
If you feel overwhelmed by your own emotions and thoughts at present and do not believe you will be able to set them aside when talking to your child, it may be helpful to write these down or discuss them with a trusted friend beforehand, recognising that your thoughts and feelings about their return may be very different to your child’s. Bear in mind that your children will be listening in and watching your body language and interpreting your tone so try to find a time that you can be sure to have the conversation in complete privacy.
How would you suggest talking to children if parents have chosen not to send them back and their friends and peers are?
If you are struggling with your choices or feel judged by others or are still unsure about what you might do, you will be tempted to shut the conversation down. The same principles for good conversations mentioned above apply. Focus on self-regulating your own emotions and being calm, factual and open-minded so you can take into account your child's view, perceptions and questions. The aim is not for an adversarial conversation where one wins and the other loses, but an open discussion where everyone has a chance to share and discuss. Children need the opportunity to feel some ability to do something about a situation they face so open conversations are key, as is allowing them to connect with friends if age appropriate.
If your child is not going back to school...
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Take the time to explain your reasons to your child for your decision as clearly as you can.
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Give time for your child to respond and really hear their view. If they have reasons for wanting a different decision, acknowledge their thinking and thank them for sharing it. Promise to consider their reasons and be willing to address where there might be a different outcome. And when this might happen.
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Consider again what will be staying the same - online learning continuing for many, covering the same things as those in school.
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Highlight other children whose parents have made the choice to normalise their experience and ensure they don’t feel isolated by your decision
If your child is going back to school but their friends are not...
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As before, focus on understanding how they are feeling and explore the positive opportunities as well as any sadness or anxiety. There may be opportunities to build new friendships, learn in smaller groups etc.
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Explaining your thinking and reasoning can help them to understand why different families may be making different decisions. It can give older children a framework for talking with their friends about why a different outcome is right for them.
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Consider how you can facilitate ongoing social contact for your child with friends outside school. As restrictions ease, arranging face to face contact that is appropriately distanced may be increasingly feasible and help your child feel consistency in their friendships.
Parent Scheme partners with employers to help them support working parents. During COVID-19. Parent Scheme has been providing personalised, practical support through a combination of small group and individual coaching sessions on key working parent challenges together with access to a content platform of timely and targeted resources. Popular issues we address include managing remote working as a dual career couple, remote working with primary school children, remote working with preschoolers, mental health and wellbeing, supporting children facing uncertainty and transitions, and support for teens in a socially distanced world. Our client base includes technology companies and financial and healthcare services.
Dr Penny Utton is a chartered psychologist (BSc (Hons), CPsychol., DPsych., AFBPsS) with over a decade of experience in supporting families and schools. Her research and expertise relate to children and young people, and she has a particular interest in the mental health and wellbeing of children and teenagers. She runs small group and 1-1 coaching for Parent Scheme on helping children manage change, family wellbeing and mental health.
READ MORE: Do I Have To Send My Child Back To School When They Reopen Or Will I Get Fined?