One thing fast-paced, high-achieving workplaces all have in common – no matter the industry or location – is that they tend to breed an unhealthy amount of comparison between colleagues. Sadly for all of us, ‘comparison culture’ doesn’t just exist on social media, and can add yet another layer of complexity to our already complicated working environments. Whether you’re in an office or WFH, the emotions associated with constantly comparing yourself to others can quickly turn toxic if they’re not properly acknowledged or explored. Essentially, if we’re struggling to stop comparing ourselves to others at work, there’s probably something else going on within us that we need to pay more attention to.
It’s also important to acknowledge that like most things over the last 18 months, comparison between colleagues has felt worse if you’ve been working remotely from home. Beyond just feeling jealous of your colleague’s gorgeous new kitchen while on a Zoom call, the pandemic has deeply challenged our capacity for empathy and compassion, which can lead to all sorts of emotional eruptions in our work day and our relationships with our colleagues. Remote working tools like Slack and Teams are notorious for miscommunication, and in addition to video calls being mentally exhausting, it can also feel that remote work is more suited to certain personality types; those who are more vocal and ‘shout the loudest’. It’s hard to feel seen if you’re the ‘just gets on with it’ type, when there’s literally no one to see you quietly getting on with it. This has led to many of us feeling vulnerable and insecure in ways we may not have felt in our job before – and when we’re feeling insecure, it can also lead us to feeling more envious and comparative with our colleagues.
UNDERSTANDING THE ENEMY THAT IS COMPARISON
In order to be able to work through and move past comparing ourselves to our colleagues, we have to understand the beast we’re dealing with. (Uncomfortable spoiler alert: the beast is us!) By definition, comparison is actually rooted in feelings of envy. And when we compare ourselves to others, we’re not usually focusing on the positive ways in which we are similar, but rather in the negative ways that we think we are different, and how we are personally lacking, which can actually then bring up feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy. (Which would explain why comparing ourselves to others – and hate-scrolling through Instagram – usually always makes us feel like crap.)
There are a plethora of ways that envy between colleagues can arise at work – for example, when one of your peers is promoted above you, wins an industry award or is perhaps assigned to lead a coveted project. When this happens and we feel that envious lurch in our gut, unfortunately – as mentioned before – this doesn’t usually result in us comparing ourselves positively to them (“We both started at the same time and have similar experience, so surely I could also be promoted soon!”) Instead, we’re usually comparing (or technically, contrasting) the ways we’re different: What do they have that I don’t that means they’re now higher up than me in the company? What’s wrong with me? Why didn’t they choose me? This can then make us feel inadequate and even ashamed.
When we compare ourselves to others, we’re not usually focusing on the positive ways in which we are similar, but rather in the negative ways that we think we are different
When we’re stuck in a comparison spiral, we’re not simply seeing what someone else has achieved or considering the work they’ve put in to get there – we’re only seeing and feeling our own perceived lack of achievement and the shame around our subsequent failure. It’s a pretty deep emotional response to a ‘CONGRATS TO ELIZABETH ON HER PROMO!’ email chain on a Tuesday morning, but this is what comparison does! It robs us of our empathy, our compassion and our perspective.
Even worse, an unfortunate side effect of these negative, shameful feelings is a quick way of making ourselves feel better: devaluing the other person and their achievements, or the system that rewarded them. “Well, she’s actually not even that good so I don’t know why they picked her!”. This then means the perceived difference between the two of you (that you’ve invented!) can’t possibly be accurate and you are fine! You are good and they are bad and undeserving. The system is rigged! See? Problem solved! (...but not really!)
WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
Comparing ourselves to others isn’t a new concept, and feelings of envy and jealousy are totally natural – they occur in nearly any social environment. But if you’re constantly feeling this way and it’s causing you daily stress – especially if you’re finding yourself devaluing your colleagues and their achievements – you need to figure out why. When we’re feeling envious of someone else, it actually has very little to do with them, and everything to do with us. What is this envy-based game of compare and contrast signalling to you? If you’re upset about your colleague’s promotion, is it because you wanted it? Is it because you’re actually really stressed and anxious about your finances but feel too stuck in your role to do anything about getting a raise? What is it about their achievement or your fantasy of what their life is like that you find so triggering?
It’s an uncomfortable process, but getting to the heart of those envious feelings that are fueling the constant comparison of yourself to your colleagues is absolutely crucial not only to your own development, but to the overall working environment of your team and company. Toxic working environments usually occur when there’s a lack of boundaries, lack of empathy, and a plethora of gossip. And, from my experience, a lot of workplace gossip is ultimately based on devaluing other people’s work and achievements, which, as we know, is rooted in envy and therefore keeps comparison culture alive and well. When your own unresolved envy starts turning into gossip or the unkind treatment of other people, this is a big red flag!
There’s the saying that ‘perfect is the enemy of good’ but I also think that, actually, comparison is the enemy of good. Perfectionism and comparison are equally paralysing, and are just as toxic to your own development and ability to think creatively about your work and career. Now, some would argue that comparison can ultimately serve as motivation for self-improvement and achievement. I think when these feelings are listened to they can do just that, but it’s ultimately the listening to our own desires that is actually the true motivator. It has to come from within and be about ourselves and our own careers for it to be truly sustainable motivation, not based on ‘taking down’ a work nemesis or somehow being better than someone else.
WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE IN PRACTICE
- When you’re feeling envious or finding yourself comparing yourself to others in an unhealthy way – take some time out to really think about what those feelings are trying to tell you. You can do this by talking it out with your partner or close friends, journaling, or even just going for a walk and giving yourself some literal time and space to think about those feelings.
- Once you’ve realised what desires are at the root of your envious feelings, put together a plan and some time-based goals and markers for how you can go about achieving your goals. For example, if you’ve realised that you had a problem with a colleague being given the client account you to lead, have an open (but no doubt challenging) conversation with your manager about what it would look like for you to be assigned a similar project. If you’re afraid you lack the qualities to be chosen for something like this, straight up ask what are they looking for when they assign these projects! Just be sure not to make the conversation about what your colleague did to be assigned the project you wanted, but what YOU can do to start leading the projects you want t0 be in charge of!
- The difficult part about this, is that even if you figure out what your envious feelings are telling you – there might not be a quick solution, and that’s OK. When we stop hiding what we want for ourselves, it can sometimes be overwhelming. The solution/goal might not just take one (sweaty) conversation. It might be that you need the time/money to retrain. It might involve a complete career shift or change of industry. These things don’t happen overnight, so be kind and patient with yourself and take it one step, and one day at a time.
Read more: Why I’m Embracing My Envy