Writer Toby Young has blamed Prince Andrew’s problems (that’s a euphemism and a half) on – wait for it – not having married a ‘tough, sensible, no-nonsense woman’ like Young’s own wife, Caroline, who allegedly keeps him on the straight and narrow. Though, given his history of mini internet scandals some might suggest that she hasn’t exactly proved equal to the task.
It’s worth taking things that Toby Young says with a pinch of salt, because often they’re designed to make everyone cross, because cross people click on articles and share them. But in this case, Young’s comments, however silly they might sound, speak of a wider truth. Women are constantly expected to prevent their male partners from metaphorically soiling themselves in public.
Young’s column, published this week in The Spectator, is very complimentary about his wife, who sounds like a sensible and long-suffering woman. He writes. ‘When she learned that my career had been derailed because of sophomoric things I’d said on social media, she literally snatched the phone out of my hands and deleted the Twitter app… ...And if I worry that an article I’ve written is too provocative, I run it past her first. It’s like being married to a focus group. Come to think of it, it was Caroline who advised me not to go on Newsnight last year.’
There’s nothing wrong with praising your partner for being a good sounding board. My husband regularly talks me out of going on telly to say things that I think are true but that the rest of the UK disagrees with. The one time I ignored him, I went on Good Morning Britain to say that I thought Shakesphere was overrated, and ended up getting death threats for days.
The issue here isn’t that lots of couples rely on each other for advice, it’s the expectation that male inadequacy can be mitigated by making a sensible romantic match.
‘She’s really sorted me out,’ a friend’s boyfriend said proudly recently, during drinks. He regaled us with a story of the time he ripped his elbow open on a barbed wire fence on a night out, as if it was something to be proud of. ‘I literally haven’t blacked out in months.’
Sitting next to him, my friend gave him the sort of smile that you’d reward a child with when they’d managed to get most of their wee into a potty. I refilled my glass of wine and said nothing, silently seething at the suggestion that her ‘fixing’ him was a good thing.
‘He just needs to find a nice girlfriend,’ I recently heard a woman say, describing her son who is in his mid twenties. ‘Someone he can stay in with, rather than going out all the time. I worry about him.’
Again, women are apparently supposed to provide a cosy homelife for men to withdraw to, a tempting alternative to pickling their livers and spunking their salaries in nightclubs. We’re supposed to look after men, to the point of saving them, and if they cannot be ‘saved’ then that’s our fault.
When Mac Miller tragically lost his life to suicide, Arianna Grande had to issue a statement defending herself from those who blamed her for not ‘fixing’ him. Her supposed unwillingness to dedicate her life to helping him was, fans seemed to suggest, the reason that he was dead. Before that Courtney Love was lambasted by Kurt Cobain’s fans for being unable to ‘save’ him.
Whether it’s addiction issues, a compulsion to go out and party, financial incompetence or just a general lack of direction, women are expected time and time again to see men as the equivalent of a house with good bones but cracked paintwork and a bit of a damp. A project which can be salvaged, made wonderful with the investment of effort, hard work and lots of time.
We know that women do more emotional labour (unpaid, natch) than men. And making sure that our partners make the ‘right’ choices is a big part of that.
It takes quite enough energy to supervise your own alcohol consumption, hours of sleep, friendships, work ethic and nutrient intake. Having to look after someone else’s is a ridiculous additional burden. And yet we do it. We partner with men and often become a sort of mother-cum-nanny, prioritising looking after their needs above our own. And if we don’t dedicate our lives to this service, like Arianna Grande or Courtney Love, or according to Toby Young, Sarah Ferguson, then we’re the problem.
It’s been said before, and it will be said again, but it couldn’t be more true: women are not rehabilitation centers for men. Stop treating them as if they are.
READ MORE: Like Ariana Grande, I dealt with my grief by going back to work