Bebe Rexha has shared a screenshot of a message thought to be from her boyfriend, cinematographer Keyan Safyari, discussing her weight gain since being diagnosed with PCOS, in a now-deleted Instagram Story. The post, which was posted on Twitter by gossip accounts, has gone viral today after raising questions about whether it’s ever appropriate to talk about a partner’s weight gain.
‘I always said I would be honest with you and your face was changing so I told you it was, that was the conversation we were having and you asked,’ the message read. ‘Because I care, would you rather I lied to you? You gained 35 pounds obviously you gained weight and your face changes? Should I just pretend it didn’t happen and that it’s, ok?’
The message appears to be part of a longer conversation about the potential end of Bebe and Safyari’s relationship, with Safyari accusing Bebe of ‘trying to find reasons to break up’. The pair have been dating since 2020, with Bebe previously telling Entertainment Tonight, ‘This guy is special. He's loving, he takes care of me, he's understanding of my career and what I do. My family loves him.’
Now though, with their relationship status currently unclear, it appears the conversation about weight gain has pushed the couple to breaking point. ‘I gain 3 pounds and you call me chubbs and fat, doesn’t mean you don’t love me,’ the message reads. ‘Don’t use something like that to weaponize your anger or anxiety or any insecurity you may have. You know I always found you beautiful and loved you no matter what.’
The message goes on to say that Bebe should seek therapy to get to the root of the problem this weight conversation has caused, but now the texts have gone public, her supporters are having none of it. ‘Nasty work when the whole message is gaslighting and they end it w love you…. men rlly have the same playbook,’ one person tweeted. ‘Good for her... Men can be so cruel in the name of being "honest". Fuck that,’ another added.
It's certainly a divisive topic, with Bebe Rexha also receiving backlash for the part of the message that mentions her calling her partner ‘chubbs and fat’ if he gains weight. But the bigger question is, how does one talk about weight changes in a relationship? Is it a complete no-go area or are there circumstances in which it’s appropriate?
While some would argue that concerns about health with extreme weight gain or loss are an appropriate reason to bring up the conversation, many have pointed out that this doesn’t appear to be what’s happened in Bebe’s situation. Rather, the message merely points out that her ‘face has changed’, thus it seems to primarily be about attraction over concern. It’s important to note that Bebe also suffers from PCOS and has attributed her weight gain and proceeding body image struggles to the hormone imbalance condition.
‘I went to the doctor last year—and a lot of women actually have this, and they don’t know about it—but they diagnosed me with PCOS, which is polycystic ovary syndrome,’ Rexha shared on The Jennifer Hudson Show in May this year. ‘I literally jumped, like, 30 pounds so quickly, maybe a little bit more. But we gotta just be positive and just show people love… When you see things like [trolling comments], it does mess with you. Because you don’t know what somebody’s going through. But I feel like, We’re in 2023. We should not be talking about people’s weight.’
Of course, no matter the reason a person has experienced weight changes, it’s never appropriate for a romantic partner to comment on it so cruelly. For women who’ve had similar experiences, the messages have been particularly tough to take in.
‘In my early twenties I had a toxic ex who was “displeased” any time I put on a small amount of weight,’ Emma*, 34 from London told Grazia. ‘He was specific about it too. I remember him pointing out the size of my upper arm in a photo as “evidence” and commenting that I tended to put on weight on my face. These were always delivered in a “helpful” tone, as though he was just trying to encourage me to be healthy. I took it as valid criticism – that only a partner would dare say, so I should be grateful for his honesty – and went along his suggestion we go to the gym early every Saturday morning, where I would “weigh in” on the scales with him watching. For my birthday he bought me gym kit for this weekly ritual.
‘His obsession with my weight became more controlling, with him banning me from eating McDonald’s,’ Emma continued. ‘It was part of a wider pattern of awful behaviour towards me. We split up shortly before we moved in together: a lucky escape. It took years for me to look back at his comments about my weight and realise how awful they were – and how blindly I accepted them as fact. I am now several dress sizes larger than I was in that relationship and shudder to think the cruel things he would say to me now. It has made me extra sensitive to any comments from partners about my weight – positive or negative. A romantic partner should never, ever make you feel self-conscious about your appearance.’
So, how does one approach the topic of body image in a relationship? For Lola, 38 from Bath, it’s all about showing unconditional love and support.
My husband has made a point of never referring to my size, diet or any weight gain or loss.
‘I have always had body image issues, insecurities about how I look that I would regularly try and counteract with how I ate and exercised,’ she tells Grazia. ‘When I started dating my now husband eight years ago I was about three stone lighter than I am now. A thyroid condition meant I gained weight very quickly and have baby weight on top of that (I gave birth last year) which has meant I've felt extremely self-conscious about how I look at times. My husband has made a point of never referring to my size, my diet or any weight gain or loss.
‘He's the first person I've ever felt entirely comfortable around and that is because he has never made me feel I need to look a different way,’ Lola continues. ‘He tells me I'm beautiful constantly, but his positive reinforcements aren't solely based around looks. He knows how to defuse my insecurities and body meltdowns. Most importantly he encourages me to be healthy: when I'm not eating enough, he'll make me balanced meals, he tells me I can allow myself treats. My relationship with food has been very unhealthy in the past but thanks to him I don't see myself so much through anyone else's eyes so much and it's been transformative for me.’
And according to Michelle Elman, life coach and author of The Selfish Romantic: How To Date Without Feeling Bad About Yourself, the ability to see beyond appearance is vital for a healthy relationship.
'Your love for someone shouldn't be dependent on their appearance,' she tells Grazia. 'When you get into a relationship with someone, you are getting into a relationship with a whole person, not just their body and if your attraction to someone is so fragile that weight gain threatens it, then that is not a sustainable long-term relationship as life happens. Not only will you go through bodily change and not just weight gain but also surgeries, accidents and life experiences that will leave marks on your appearance. When someone gains weight, they are aware of the changes in their body and therefore commentary on it is unhelpful. On either side, within the text, he claims she also body shames him when he gains weight and therefore you must treat other people with the same boundaries and respect you are asking for. Body shame is never acceptable, constructive or allowed, even if you are in a relationship with that person. If it's not your body, it is not your right.'
It all stands to prove that weight is an incredibly personal topic, particularly for women who are often our own biggest critics. Where some might think commenting on it or joking about weight is fine, it’s important to remember how easy it is for body image issues to escalate into unhealthy and dangerous relationships with food and exercise. Rather, showing love and support for a partner beyond their physical appearance is integral to a healthy bond – with food and exercise, and each other!