The ‘summer drink’ is now such a ‘thing’ that it’s become a status symbol. No more does your drink choice simply signify your budget (if you’ve never been to a bar that serves out of date lagers for 90p, you’re missing out), age (look, I swear Smirnoff Ice Blacks were DELICIOUS when I was 18 – and even better mixed in a pint glass with a WKD Blue), what hangover you can afford to have the next day (is Saturday gonna have a G&T tinge or be a full white-wine-write-off?) or just, yknow, what you like the taste of. Instagram has ruined the world.
No, your summer drink SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU. And even more painfully, your choice of summer drink can indicate how BASIC YOU ARE. You know, basic – that most painful of insults, that if Kate Moss spat it at you, you’d instantly die? But that we all claim we already ‘own’ on Instagram to magically reverse our basicness? Bothered to buy every item in the Grazia Fashion Charts, but then paired it with a frose? Srsly, I die for you…
See, the only problem for YOU, is that I – lover of every alcohol I’ve ever met aside from red Aftershock – have been commissioned to write this piece on ‘What your summer drink says about you’ while six months pregnant, during the biggest heatwave since the 70s. LOL.
So, basically, just the fact that you’re drinking anything that’s not a Becks Blue makes me, sorry, HATE YOU. I’m taking no prisoners. You can’t win. I’ll join you all next summer, when I can only presume the fact that someone has let me near wine will be enough to make me cry with gratitude.
So, if you dare read further, here’s what that icy-glassed wage-drainer in your hand says about you…
What it says about you: It’s June and you’ve presumably just opened Instagram stories so you can capture this ‘moment’ that a thousand other people are having at the exact same time. You may also be ‘having the girls over’. You might be saying things like, ‘We could be in Provence! Did you know it’s hotter here than in Benidorm today?’ while sat in the Bull Ring. You may use ‘hun’. You might be in a hot tub. BUT, you’re doing it all ironically and owning your basicness, so it’s funny. And _ok_. You might’ve dropped an ice cube in it, which makes you a total moron, because you didn’t check your weather app and realise that, inevitably, by the end of the day you’ll be needing a delicious, delicious cold rose and put a bottle in the fridge ahead of time. Seriously, wine is wasted on you FFS. Cretin.
What is says about you: You’ve just opened your Instagram GRID, because this shit belongs on the GRID. Presumably you’re a millionaire, because you just paid upwards of £9 for the equivalent alcoholic content of a thimble-full of wine. And because of you, now all the slush puppies I was planning to thrown down my throat to try and stay cool, have had their machines repurposed to serve your millionaire needs. I hope you’re happy with yourself. Also, you’re so passe, because…
Drink: Pinot Freezio or Friesling
What it says about you: You’re typing out your Instagram CAPTION, because, jeez, that pun is just too good to miss. Ok, points for upgrading from rose, and points for realizing that mixing that thimble of wine with 86 ice cubes is going to make your head better in the morning – you’ve finally listened to your mum. But, really, does it taste nice? You spend your 20s having to drink in cheap bars that blatantly watered down their wine. And your 30s realizing that sweet wine is only for the end of the meal when you want to show you’re a true booze w*nker and order a dessert wine. Now, look at you, you’re paying extra for watery, sweet wine. (Seriously though, dose it taste nice? I’ve not had one, because, did I mention, I’m pregnant?)
What it says about you: You realise that the negroni is ‘over’ and have googled what 2018’s cool summer drink is. You’ve told at least 68 people tonight, ‘No, it’s a boooooulevaaardier! Sure, have a taste… Not too much, you pig, that cost me £14 for a short’. Made of whisky, sweet red vermouth and Campari, the boulevardier is apparently similar to negronis, but ‘the whisky changes the storyline’. Just kill me now because my eyes are never going to stop rolling.
Drink: Spicy Margarita
What it says about you: It says you are a liar, because no-one has drunk these, they just exist on online galleries entitled ‘2018’s hottest new drink’. And if you have drunk one of these, then you’ve ruined margaritas. Awful.
Drink: Pickle drinks
What it says about you: You are at a street food festival telling everyone how much of a foodie you are. Apparently picklebacks (a shot of whiskey, chased by a shot of pickle) aren’t enough and you can buy pickle-flavoured slush now. I can only assume you have never in your life have had acid reflux, or I don’t understand why you would do this to yourself.
What it says about you: You sneer at baby weaklings who take a sip and pull a face at the strength and/or bitterness. You definitely bought some cut-glass tumblers from the charity shop, so only have three, because who can ever find a set of six? You’ve probably got me sat over your shoulder scowling and salivating because, dear goodness, do I love a negroni.
Drink: Something you found on Instagram
What it says about you: You’re having everyone over and want to WOW them. So instead of just getting them so drunk they enjoy all the food, you’ve gone onto Instagram and found a ridiculous recipe that everyone will sip sympathetically, before asking if you mind if they open the prosecco they picked up from Marks’ on the way. Yes – you’re an idiot… you even bought the snail shells to put on top…
What it says about you: You’re in Wetherspoons or All Bar One, because anyone who pays more than £14.99 for a bottle of prosecco these days is an idiot, and you’re not an idiot, are you? You are sassy… and we’d love to be cruel about that, but we kinda like that. Well done, you also don’t read all the clickbaity articles that shout ‘THERE’S A PROSECCO SHORTAGE!’ Minus points if at any point during drinking the prosecco you…
• Call it proseccsy/pro-sexy
• Say, ‘There’s a prosecco shortage, apparently’
• Have put any elderflower cordial in it.
The only other thing about you, is you might’ve peaked too soon, because everyone knows prosecco tastes better at Christmas. And is a clear Instagram signifier that ‘Tis the season huns’.
What it says about you: You’ve bought it from Aldi or Lidl for a bargain price after reading it’s the best one in a broadsheet newspaper like everyone else five years ago… AND YOU WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
Drink: Aperol Spritz
What it says about you: You believe being an Aperol Spritz lover is a personality type. You think it’s ‘your drink’. All your friends know you love a Spritz. You might’ve discovered it on a holiday ‘waaaaay before everyone else was drinking it’ and brought it back – Polpo can thank you later. Did you know, they’re like three euros in Iiiiiiitalia? You bought it off Amazon once and took it to a party. You took it home to a family BBQ and everyone whit-wooed about how cool you are and ignored your Uncle John who said it reminded him of the 70s. You might be a Spritz expert – you’ve tried Campari, of course, but have you had Cyan? No? Oh, you had it in a tiny little place in a Venice side-street a while back. Yeah, it’s not as sweet… more for people with refined tastes like yourself. Real spritz lovers. You are probably real drunk, because if you make them at home, you’re basically sipping a double vodka soda and a large prosecco every time you make it… good on you.
Drink: Campari and soda
What it says about you: You were never into Aperol Spritz. Too sweet. Practically an alcho-pop bbz! You’re v 2018. You’ve done it. But even as you drink it, you anxiously feel the wings of late summer 2018’s hot new drink beating at your slipping coolness as you sip. But it’s ok, because you started drinking Campari and soda aaaaages ago. Your mum practically put it in your bottle. You are probably at a
What it says about you: You WhatsApped everyone on your way to the bbq saying, ‘Shall I bring Pimm’s? Does anyone fancy Pimm’s? I just had a craving for Pimm’s!’ You are probably hungover and it’s all you can face. You have just spent £45 in the metro Sainsbury’s on the corner buying mint, cucumber and all sorts that will sit in the back of your friends’ fridge for the next two weeks – THANKS for that. You’ve probably just scowled at someone who started drinking your lemonade for non-Pimm’s-making-purposes. You’re only saved from public basicness, because by the time you made it in the jug your friend has at the back of their cupboard, it was very much not instagrammable… more like pond water with chunks in it. You aren’t and will never be drunk, you’ve just got sticky teeth.
Drink: Gin & Tonic
What is says about you: You’ve got special glasses, a poster, endless birthday and Christmas presents related to gin and are waaaay too gin-y to drink it with Schweppes and lemon. You might have pink peppercorns. You might attend a slimming club and realise that you can have about four gin and slims for a pint, calorie-wise. Fair. I saw a meme the other day (and I’ve got to be honest, cannot for the life of me now find) which said something like, ‘What did people who like gin and tonic do for a personality before they liked gin and tonic?’ That pretty much sums it up.
Drink: Craft Beer
What it says about you: No, pleeeeease, tell me again why I’m an idiot for spending £3.30 on a cold pint of lager and yoooooou are the sensible one for enjoying a hoppy ale with grapefruit overtones for £6.90. I beg of you. Tell me again. Because I
What it says about you: You are at a festival. You are at a festival and realise that if you start on your usual favourite pinot at 11am, you’re going to miss the whole day. And you can’t quite stomach beer. Fruit cider? I can’t even start. Don’t make me. Go drink a ribena you ingrate – you don’t deserve booze.
Drink: A fake alcoholic drink
What it says about you: You are being mocked. Apparently it wasn’t bad enough to create MOCKtails… the clue is in the title. MOCK. We are MOCKING you by charging you loads of money for a watered down juice hahahahahahaha. No, there’s a huge proliferation of non-alcoholic (or very low alcohol) drinks available now that are almost good enough, but frankly, not quite good enough to make you anything but sad. From Becks Blue to elderflower fizz via alcohol-free spirits, everyone is out to make money out of your alcohol-free misery. Don’t buy into it