‘Quite a few of the guests my husband invited to our wedding didn’t turn up,’ says Emma Brown, 28, from Scotland, ‘His brother and sister-in-law didn’t even show – they told us a work thing had come up the week of the wedding– and some of his friends just sent a text the next day to apologise for not showing.’
‘He felt terrible and things have been very frosty since then,’ she continued, ‘it’s just bad manners especially because money has been spent on these people. It shows a lot about who you are, getting married is such a big event in someone’s life so to miss it and barely apologise or not even say anything is just rude.’
Missing someone’s wedding, never mind a close friend, seems to be quite the taboo subject. So much so that when Taylor Swift missed her once BFF Karlie Kloss’ two weddings last year, many eyebrows were raised. What reason could Taylor, with all her riches and resources, have to miss such an important day in a friends life? Unless, of course, she wasn’t invited in the first place.
Well, it turns out she was invited to Karlie’s weddings – she was just busy with work. According to People, a representative for Karlie confirmed that Taylor was ‘unable to attend due to prior commitments.’ Namely, during the first wedding in October 2018 she was in Perth on her Reputation tour, and the second in June this year Taylor was filming the music video for Lover – which she confirmed on Instagram Live last month.
Alas, it seems that regardless of all of your success your still beholden to annoying work schedules that demand you miss pivotal moments in your friends lives. Much like the rest of us have experienced, the grind just doesn’t stop. And while we can sympathise with being forced to work during a celebration you’d much rather be at, there is a strange etiquette around missing a wedding that forces more examination.
Watch: Ellie Goulding on being part of Taylor Swift's squad
Because, when a day is so important to someone you love, not being there can cause irreparable damage to your relationship with said person. Just like with Emma and her husband, entire families can be rocked by a last-minute wedding cancellation.
So, how should we be dancing around this topic without hurting someones feelings? And more importantly, what excuses are legitimate to missing a friend’s wedding versus those that will make them think ‘are you kidding me?’.
According to Lucy Hume, associate director of etiquette expert agency Debrett’s, as long as you can justify the reason to yourself, it’s fine to miss a friend’s wedding. However, it’s how you deal with the declined invite that matters. ‘The most important thing to do is to let your hosts know as soon as possible so that they can factor your absence into guest numbers,’ she says.
Also important? Considered honestly. If you’re reason isn’t going to go down well, Lucy maintains that you don’t have to provide one as long as you’re giving enough notice i.e. you know you won’t be attending from the moment you get the invitation. But, if you are forced to disclose your potentially-a-bit-shit-reason, give an excuse as close to the truth as possible without upsetting your friend..
‘Wedding RSVPs are usually requested by post or email (you may even be given a tick box option on a postcard), so it will usually suffice to state that you ‘regretfully decline’ or similar,’ she says, ‘If you wish to provide a reason, or are asked for one, be as honest as you can be without hurting your hosts' feelings. It’s unwise to tell the bride you’re attending a sick relative’s bedside only to be outed on social media enjoying a weekend in Ibiza.’
Essentially, as Emma’s situation proves, declining a wedding invitation or missing it last minute takes a lot more thought than one might assume. If you can’t go, maybe think of a way to be a part of the day without your physical presence – with gifts or a nice letter.
Alternatively, if you’re work obligations aren’t as important as say, performing to an entire stadium of screaming fans, just call in sick to work like the rest of us and go anyway. It might not be an option for Taylor Swift, but it sure is for us layman.
Read more: A timeline of Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss' friendship
Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss Friendship
1 of 9November 2013 - Victoria's Secret Show
Taylor and Karlie met for the first time at the Victoria's Secret show. Karlie has said: "We met at the show, we never met before but we’re BFFs now. It’s nice to meet another American girl, we’re the same age and she’s so inspiring — she’s so talented and she’s true to who she is. She’s a cool girl and I’m glad she’s in the show this year, she rocked it.”
2 of 9March 2014 - Vanity Fair Party
There may have been some cookie-fuelled sleepovers that didn't make it to Instagram. But the next time we saw these two hang out was at the Oscars. Naturally.
3 of 9Spring 2014 - The road trip
Karlie and Taylor took their friendship on the road, going on an adventure along the Pacific Coast Highway. This is when they went public with their BFF status, posting plenty of selfies and writing Karlie
4 of 9May 2014 - Met Ball
In girl world, getting ready together for an event is an event in itself. Often this will be to the soundtrack of Taylor Swift, but in Karlie Kloss world she gets to listen to the actual Taylor Swift. The pair got ready together for the 2014 Met Ball, where they both wore Oscar de la Renta gowns.
5 of 9August 2014
It was rumoured that they had moved in together, but her rep said: “Karlie and Taylor do not live together and have no plans to live together. The Daily Mail did not verify the facts of the story prior to publishing it.”
6 of 9September 2014
A Rolling Stone journalist visited Taylor's apartment for her cover story. He wrote: “‘This is where Karlie usually stays,’ [Taylor] says – meaning supermodel Karlie Kloss, one of her new BFFs, whom she met nine months ago at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. There’s a basket of Kloss’s favorite Whole Foods treats next to the bed, and multiple photos of her on the walls.”
7 of 9November 2014
Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss sat court side at a Knicks game, where they held hands and both wore black roll necks.
8 of 9November 2014: Victoria's Secret Show
Karlie and Taylor celebrated their one year anniversary of being BFFs at the VS show in London. They walked down the catwalk hand in hand in black lace lingerie, as Taylor sang 'Style' from 1989.
9 of 9December 2014
Then came the dating rumours. A picture hit Twitter where the pair looked very cosy at a gig in New York. Taylor hit back with the tweet: "As my 25th birthday present from the media, I'd like you to stop accusing all my friends of dating me #thirsty." Her rep said: "It's sad that on the day it's announced Taylor has three Grammy nominations for 'Shake It Off,' I have to shake off this crap."