Millie Mackintosh: ‘Quitting Drinking Made Me A Better Person – And Mum’

'I woke up day paralysed by anxiety and could barely move,' Millie Mackintosh writes, as told to Nikki Peach.

Millie Mackintosh

by Millie Mackintosh |
Published on

Two and a half years ago, I decided to stop drinking. My two daughters, Sienna and Aurelia, were two and six months old at the time. I wish I had known sooner that being sober would not only transform my life but also my ability to parent.

My relationship with alcohol was rocky from the very beginning. I started drinking regularly from the age of 14, binge drinking at parties, which still feels like a normalised part of our culture in Britain. According to research, a quarter of us still regularly binge drink and for me, I would often get to the point of passing out. I would get so blackout drunk, I’d have no recollection of large parts of the night before. At the time, I didn’t really think it was an issue and carried on into my early 20s. When I started filming Made in Chelsea, aged 22, while we weren’t drinking every day, we’d often film party scenes in the morning so there were quite a few times I was either drunk or hungover on camera.

I have recently learnt that a big part of my attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), means my brain is wired to want more. I’ve always had issues when it came to controlling my alcohol intake and struggled to know when it was time to stop or switch to water. By the time I had my daughters in my early 30s, this would result in crippling hangovers and debilitating anxiety that really got in the way of my parenting. I was horrified by my actions: not remembering how I got home, starting arguments with my husband that I couldn’t remember and feeling immense shame and regret.

Millie Mackintosh and family

The shift came when I started to consider what kind of example I was setting for them. They rarely saw me drinking during the week, but hangovers on the weekends, with kids, only enhanced the intensity of overstimulation - being snappy and anxious and then frustrated as I could see how it was affecting family time.

As a new mum it was a nice release to meet other mum friends and go for a few glasses of wine, but a few would turn into many and then before you know it the hangover would be unbearable. After one of those wine infused gatherings, I woke the next day paralysed by anxiety and could barely move. I tried to pull myself together and as I sat down to bottle feed the baby but I was crying so much Hugo had to take over, I hated myself.

Getting sober makes you realise you may grow apart from your friends.

Moderating my drinking has never worked for me. It was always all or nothing. So, I hired a sober coach to help me through the first 6 months without alcohol and read books about sobriety. I wanted to understand what my life might look like if I stopped and learn the effect alcohol was having on my brain and health. Getting sober was hard at first, it’s not just the action of giving up, you start to realise that you may grow apart from some of your friends and socially your environment will change but for me it was worth it, I feel like I’ve got my power back.

The greatest gift is being more present with my daughters. Now I have joyful hangover-free mornings when I wake up early with the girls on the weekend. That’s my favourite

time with them in the week, making pancakes followed by lots of cuddles on the sofa in front of a Disney film. I’m finally able to better regulate my emotions and be the calm, conscious, gentle parent I want to be – not the tired, shouty and angry mum. My only regret? Not stopping sooner!

Bad Drunk: How I found my freedom from alcohol is available to buy now.

Photographer: Billie Scheepers

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