Holly Willoughby wants to talk about sex, baby. More specifically, the worries that surround the big O.
In the latest edition of her newsletter for her lifestyle brand Wylde Moon, Holly wrote about the anxiety that many women feel about having, or more often, not having, an orgasm.
‘Overthinking is something most people are guilty of, but when it follows you into the more intimate areas of your life, it can really start to feel like too much,’ she wrote. ‘Because if there’s one area of life that shouldn’t be stressful, it’s that.’
She’s right – it shouldn’t be stressful, but it absolutely can be. Thinking, and stressing, about whether a sexual encounter will end in an orgasm can detract so much joy from the act itself. And yet, popular culture (Hollywood, we’re looking at you) tells us that we should be having them – every time, everywhere, screaming to our heart’s content. But the reality, as ever, is a different story.
First of all, orgasm anxiety is completely normal and valid and can distract from arousal. And Holly’s right, overthinking can feed into this.
‘Overthinking can sometimes make it hard for us to relax into the parasympathetic nervous system which helps us experience pleasure,’ sexologist Ness Cooper tells Grazia. ‘It can be hard for our body to release the feel-good hormones needed for orgasm and sexual pleasure when we are overthinking.
‘People may find that they are overthinking certain things within the bedroom when something stressful has happened in their life, or a change has occurred. Overthinking is a fairly common thing to experience, however when it becomes too much it can lead us to disassociate with activities and find it hard to find embodiment during sex and pleasure.’
The sex scenes we watch in popular films and TV shows play a part in our internalising of the frequency and intensity of orgasms during sex, and the anxiety that comes with that when the reality might not match up – but Ness stresses that this isn’t the end of the story. It begins, she says, with a lack of education around the subject.
‘There are many who believe their orgasms or way they experience pleasure don’t match up to these expectations,’ she says. ‘Some of this isn’t the media’s fault, and more a lack of education about how sexual pleasure and orgasm can be experienced differently for many – this is still missed out in some younger years sex education too.’
Ness points out that when it comes to the media representation of sex, and orgasms, there’s a shorter amount of time to achieve it than in real life. ‘Those producing a TV show or film will want to focus on the exciting bits, as they can’t film 45 mins for vulva pleasure and foreplay generally,’ she explains. ‘When we view the exciting bits, such as orgasm moans and intense euphoria, it can activate our pleasure responses and make our heart rate rise and even lead to slight moments of arousal, when experiencing these physical responses so suddenly it can lead to a mixture of feelings and make us want to experience similar.
‘But we need to remember like many other things in films or media, whilst they may look exciting, in reality they may not be possible or when acted out in a real-life setting end up being a letdown.’
When it comes to orgasm anxiety, communication above all is key.
When we’re feeling anxious about whether or not we’re going to orgasm, the temptation can be to fake it. Ness is insistent that we shouldn’t shame those who do, as there are many reasons why someone might do this. ‘If someone is finding it hard to be intimate with a partner, faking orgasm may just be part of the puzzle,’ she points out.
That said, when it comes to orgasm anxiety, communication above all is key.
Ness recommends being really specific about what you enjoy with your partner: ‘If you have a partner communicate what type of sexual pleasure you enjoy and why, this not only helps them perform things sexually with you that you enjoy, they can increase your chances of orgasms.’
She also suggests finding out what emotions you have around both sexual embodiment and orgasms, and exploring them. ‘Orgasms don’t always have to happen during sex – focus on what is pleasurable at the time even if you don’t orgasm,’ Ness advises. Sharing helps too, if you’re up for it: ‘Some people benefit reading about other people’s orgasm experiences to learn how pleasure and orgasms can vary so much.’
Whether it’s talking about specific experiences with others, talking to your partner about what you like or just lamenting the weight that orgasm anxiety is at times – like Holly Willoughby says, let’s keep talking about it.