An Ode To Grey Sweatpants Season

Grey marl jersey, is it the horniest fabric known to man?

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by Joe Stone |

Everyone has their favourite time of year. For many, it's summer, when drinking in the park becomes a legitimate pastime, and not just the preserve of intimidating teenagers and divorced dads. For others, winter signals the approach of Christmas, when goodwill extends to all men (apart from Piers Morgan, be reasonable). For me, it's Autumn - a time when the weather is bright but crisp, and fallen leaves make rich tapestries of the pavements. A time when our thoughts inevitably turn to the singular delights of Grey Sweatpants Season.

For the uninitiated, this is the time of year when the temperature falls sufficiently low for men to reach for their joggers. Unlike the strange alchemy which automatically renders any man in a crisp white t-shirt or well-tailored suit 25% hotter, there's a simple, indelicate reason why grey sweatpants are sexy; it's because they frame the outline of a wearer's penis. Together, the drape and shade of fabric conspire to scream: 'I am a man, and if you want proof, here are the exact proportions of my bellend.' They are the male equivalent of going braless on a cold day, and the effect is both intoxicating and effortless. After all, what's more lowkey than athleisure? I don't think I'm breaking news when I say that the pandemic has been short on upsides. But it seems likely that the combined effect of increasingly casual dress codes and hybrid working models could result in the busiest grey sweatpants season of all time. Rejoice!

I don't recall the precise moment when I first realised that grey marl jersey was the horniest fabric known to man. Like the ability to breathe, or the instinct that men in flip flops are not to be trusted, perhaps the knowledge was something that I was born with. I do recall that in September 2013 Gaz 'the Parsnip' Beadle visited my magazine's office in a pair of grey sweatpants, and I was so overwhelmed that I temporarily blacked out. As he introduced himself to the team I desperately scrambled for an appropriate greeting – in retrospect 'hello' would have worked – and landed on: 'Ohmygod you're wearing grey sweatpants.' The moral of the tale? During grey sweatpant season it is imperative that you keep your wits about you to avoid embarrassment.

By 2016, grey sweatpant season had hit the mainstream, inspiring the grey sweatpants challenge. Unfortunately some people – I'm not going to call them terrorists – ruined the hashtag by flooding it with pictures of their sweatpants stuffed with brass instruments, Christmas trees and pets. Still, despite these efforts at sabotage, a Grey Sweatpant supremacy is upon us. Since 2015 there have been more than 1.5 million tweets about Grey Sweatpant Season. Last year photographer Mike Allebach launched a Guys in Grey Sweats calendar. The photos of Justin Theroux filming scenes for The Leftovers in grey sweatpants still continue to exist (consult Google, and thank me later).

So forget Hot Girl Summer {:rel=nofollow}and Sad Girl Autumn. Stop worrying about the impending energy crisis, Christmas food shortages, and what exactly's going on with Little Mix . Grey sweatpants season is upon us, and it's the most wonderful time of the year.

READ MORE:Hot Girl Summer Let Us All Down, But Don’t Worry: Here Comes Horny Girl Autumn

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