Cressida Bonas hates charades. In fact she describes it as something of a fear, along with public speaking. It’s a surprise, given she is an actress who has won plaudits for her theatre work, appeared in Hollywood films and most recently was praised by critics for her performance as Sheila Caffell in ITV’s true crime drama White House Farm.
It’s a sunny Monday morning and I’m speaking to Cressida on the phone from her home in Notting Hill where she is social distancing with her fiancé, Harry Wentworth-Stanley. We’re talking about our fears, a rather dark topic for this bright day, but Cressida - or Cress as her friends call her - brims with joy and excitement at discussing the topic. She’s long been fascinated by the subject, she says, having recorded endless notes about it in her daily journal. Combine that with her boundless curiosity (‘always since a young age, I’ve asked a lot of questions’) and the result is her new podcast, Fear Itself.
Each week Cressida dives in to ask a guest - who range from the singer Ellie Goulding to a base jumper, an ex-gang leader and a psychotherapist - about their fears. What follows in each case is a unique and inspiring discussion on how fear can manifest itself and an exploration of how it can both hold us back and provide key motivation.
‘For me it’s self-doubt, which has held me back so many times, but it’s also something that pushes me forward,’ she explains. A big regret, she says, is being too scared to audition for musical theatre school as a child despite a love of performing: ‘I was afraid of failing and I was afraid of being rejected, which is crazy because now I am acting and rejection happens all the time.’
Perfectionism is another thing that Cressida battles with, admitting that it even almost prevented the podcast from being created. She worried it wouldn’t be good enough or that people wouldn’t listen to it. ‘Thinking about fear, maybe in my case the root cause is this false dream of perfection and the fear of failing, making mistakes or messing up’, she says softly, explaining it’s something she’s still very much figuring out. ‘I think a lot of people do have this fear and I think what that does is makes you lose your voice. It’s frustrating because if you don’t get things wrong, mess up sometimes or fail, how can we ever learn [and] grow?’
‘What I’m learning throughout this journey is that I do have a voice and that is a very nice thing about this podcast: it’s given me a voice.’ Certainly, although Cressida has been thrust into the spotlight, through her profession as an actress and a previous high profile relationship with a royal - she dated prince Harry between 2012 and 2014 - her own voice is something that has largely been absent, with tabloids all too often clamouring to put words in her mouth.
‘To be interviewing other people about their fears, I had to be honest about my fears as well,’ she says about opening up. ‘For anyone to talk about their fears is very brave, but also I think it’s important because we all have them, it’s very human, it’s universal.’
‘I think it’s important to talk about our vulnerabilities and I think that’s how we connect,’ she says, adding that talking about this, alongside mental health, is key. ‘A lot of these issues, I mean they come down to a lot of things, but I think one of the things is fear and it’s just about talking about it.’ She thinks the word ‘fearless’ - a term she thinks is a false idea - is bandied around far too much, declaring wisely that ‘if you’re never fearful then you’re never brave.’
How does she deal with life in the spotlight? ‘I don’t see that as my life at all’, she insists. ‘I mean it’s part of my life but it’s not my personal life. My fiancé, he’s not in that world so it feels very separate.’ She credits a close bond with her family and a tight group of school and university friends with keeping her grounded, although you get the feeling she’s got that covered herself. She asks me what I have planned for the day, sharing her amazement and concern at the strange times we’re in. She chats away, telling me of how she has been popping groceries on her mother’s doorstep, how she and her fiancé have signed up as NHS volunteers and how she is aware of the privileged position she is in compared to so many.
Her podcast, which was recorded before the coronavirus pandemic, seems very timely but she admits she was torn about whether to release it. ‘Maybe it can give some a tiny moment of either entertainment or comfort,’ she says thoughtfully. ‘I think a lot of people…’ she stops to correct herself, ‘well, hopefully a lot of people, can relate to them.’
‘Fear Itself’ is available to stream or download from [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/fear-itself-with-cressida-bonas/id150303909403039094) or Spotify. Season 1 is sponsored by CBD brand OTO.
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