Love Island’s Amber Davies Has New Rules For Casual Sex, And They’re Absolute Bullshit

According to Love Island winner Amber Davies, young people are having far too much casual sex.Yes, put the condoms away everyone, casual sex is WRONG. Guest hosting BBC 5 Live yesterday, Amber discussed her thoughts on everything sex, from slut-shaming double standards to using sex as a weapon. At the end of the segment, she told the world her new five rules for sex, and they’re extremely problematic.

Posting a video of her new rules on Twitter, she said, ‘I’ve been speaking to my friends about the question ‘is sex too casual?’ I think we need a new set of rules before saying yes to getting intimate’. Strap yourselves in, we’re about to delve into a 20-year-olds psyche of internalized misogyny…

‘Rule number one is no sex on the first date. If you don’t know the person don’t have sex with the person, it’s all about self-respect.’

This isn’t exactly a new rule, it’s actually a message that has been continuously attacked by sex-positive activists for years. Not only is it historically applied solely to women and so comes across as sexist, it’s completely illogical. But first, let’s just dismiss the idea that how much sex you have or how quickly you have it has any bearing on your level of self-respect. That’s just completely and utterly false. Onto sex on the first date…

I think it’s safe to assume here her goal from sex is to find a monogamous partner, since she also said on BBC Five Live ‘the easier it is to have sex, the easier it is not to commit to someone’ - so we can guess she wants commitment from whoever she is going on a date with. Essentially, this rule wipes out anyone and everyone who isn’t interested in being in a relationship, although we’re sure she’s pretty much assuming everyone is (also utterly false Amber).

If she is expecting commitment from her date, and is assuming that’s what all people want, we are here to give some hard truths. Whether or not you have sex with someone right away or have sex with them in a month’s time has no impact on whether or not they will commit to you. People commit because they want to spend more time with you as a person exclusively, not because you’ve waited to have sex.

If someone is more likely to commit because you’ve waited, and has more respect for you for doing so, they surely aren’t an eligible partner since they assume having sex quickly somehow demeans your value as a person- which it doesn’t. You are just as valuable and worthy of respect whether you have sex every single day with a new person or on the first date or within five minutes. As long as you're being safe, consensual and not hurting anyone, it doesn’t change anything about who you are as a person.

‘Rule number two is if there is alcohol involved, ask yourself are you going to regret it in the morning. Because when you’re under the influence of alcohol, you become a lot more vulnerable, male and female.’

In this sense, I would say the only thing to ensure about sex when there is alcohol involved is that you have the consent of the person you’re with. Regretting casual sex the morning aftera night out is typically experienced by women, who have been socialized to think that casual sex isn’t ‘ladylike’ and so is something they should be ashamed of. This too is absolute bullshit.

‘Rule number three would be don’t think sex is to impress. I think females and males would be a lot more impressed these days if you don’t put out on the first date.'

Another phrase typically applied only to women and so sexist as hell, ‘put out on the first date’ implies sex is something you give away, as if you don’t enjoy it yourself or get something out of it. This problematic narrative perpetuates the myth that sex is something men have to win and women simply give it up, encouraging the idea that the object of sex is purely male orgasm and feeding into consent debates where men don’t take into account whether a woman is enjoying the experience.

Again, if the person you’re with thinks this way and is unimpressed by you having sex on the first date then why did THEY have sex on the first date? If they want to wait then that’s up to them, but if they care that you don’t then they don’t sound like someone you should be trying to ‘impress’.

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‘Rule number four: We are absolutely binning the saying “no strings attached” or “friends with benefits”. As females we all know we get emotionally attached after sex. If you don’t want to get hurt, don’t do it. ‘

DO WE KNOW THAT AMBER? Because I’ve got a list that can prove you oh so wrong. Maybe YOU get emotionally attached after sex, but I can confirm not ALL women get emotionally attached. By regurgitating this ridiculous myth, you’re only perpetuating the idea that all women crave commitment from the men they sleep with. That is not the case, and in fact men are just as capable of becoming emotionally attached after sex as women, just as all genders are also capable of NOT getting attached.

The way you get hurt from having sex is by not communicating what you want or are expecting from your partner. So, have whatever type of relationship you want with someone, just be honest about what you want and are willing to give.

‘[Rule number five]: Don’t follow the crowd. Only because sex has become so casual these days doesn’t mean you have to do it. So, stand up for yourself.’

‘These days’? Ever heard of the 60s? Casual sex has been popular for decades, women are just less shy about talking about it because slut-shaming is now openly fought against. Shows like Geordie Shore have opened us up to a world of unashamed casual sex, as Amber cites on the show, and honestly THANK GOD. Treating sex as a taboo only stops us from feeling comfortable talking about what we like, what we want andhow we should better educate people about sex. The more we’re open about sex, the more we can have important discussions around porn, consent and sexual assault.

Honestly, it’s not just the rules themselves that are highly problematic. It’s the entire notion that casual sex is the death of special or meaningful sex. Firstly, who says casual sex isn’t meaningful? You’re still connecting with someone in an intimate way, just because there’s no monogamy involved doesn’t mean it’s not a special experience.

Secondly, having a tone of casual sex in no way negates your ability to have sex with someone you love or are committed to and still have that be just as meaningful. Amber goes on to discuss how she is envious of her friends who are still with the partners they lost their virginity to, as if that somehow gives them a greater connection than otherwise.

Equally, it's possible that her friends are envious of all the sexual experiences she’s had, being able to have great sex with someone and not have to deal with any commitment or emotional baggage afterward is just as much a reason for envy (if envy is even the right word) as the sexual connection you may have if you’ve only slept with one person.

Amber then goes on to talk about using sex to get revenge on someone or get over someone, saying ‘when was that okay to have sex with someone as a weapon?' Yet, according to her own advice, she uses sex as a weapon to gain commitment. Her first rule, waiting to have sex with someone until after the first date, is her using sex as a means to an end, a tool to gain monogamy. It is essentially the same concept as using sex to get over someone, it’s still something you’re treating as an object, placed on a pedestal as if it’s an object to be gained and not a meaningful experience you will both enjoy.

After receiving a backlash to her initial video, Amber has since gone on Twitter to state they are just her ‘personal opinion’, despite stating ‘I think WE need new rules’ in her video. She said:

‘Guys there is no wrong or right answer to casual sex. I was invited on to BBC five live to debate the matter. I am glad I had the opportunity to discuss this, and I've learnt a lot and it was great to hear people views and opinions!’

‘The rules are personal to me and I appreciate everyone is different. We spoke about losing virginity and using sex as some form of revenge it's a lot deeper than just discussing causal sex.’

Whether or not it’s her personal opinion, she is still using her 345,000-strong platform to promote them as truth. And while she’s receiving a barrage of complaints from people claiming she’s hypocritical for shaming casual sex when she had sex on television, her go to response is ‘this wasn’t someone I just jumped into bed with’. Again, judging someone for having sex quickly is wrong. Just as judging someone for having sex on TV is wrong. Maybe let’s just stop judging people for having sex, as long as it’s consensual and safe, both mentally and physically?

We don’t need new rules Amber, we need you to learn more about sex-shaming and sexism before spouting advice to the hundreds of thousands of young girls that follow you.

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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.