Just when you thought we’d all finally got around to the idea sex isn’t something to only be done in top secret in a dark room with the same person forever and never to be spoken about with anyone ever, it’s emerged that over half of women are still feeling the need to hide the fact they have sex toys from their partners.
A study by Too Timid found that 54% of the 1,000 women they surveyed haven’t told their partners about their stash.
The idea that so many women (in 2018! When strolling into Ann Summers to buy a bullet is as normal as popping to Budgens for a Sprite!) are still feeling ashamed of the fact they feel the need to go it solo and are capable of sexual pleasure is worrying. And we really need to pay it some attention.
Especially when you consider that, according to a recent survey by Mr & Mrs Toy, makers of the O-WAND®, a third of UK women own a sex toy.
So why are so many of us being obstructed by that unshakeable stigma that seems to aggressively attached to us all when it comes to self-care?
'Although women are meant to be liberated, in reality, a lot of women equate sexuality with not being a "nice girl",'Cathryn Smith, a member of the Counselling Directory, tells Grazia. 'Some women become embarrassed for feeling sexual.'
We may have come a long way in the last few decades when it comes to a baseline acceptance that masturbation happens, but that doesn’t mean that all of us feel comfortable shouting about it from the rooftops. This seems fair enough, to an extent, as you’re hardly going to be comparing dildo girths with granny at Sunday lunch.
But the idea of extending that embarrassment to your sexual partner is a little odd to us. And seems rooted in the idea that still hangs over us like some sort of awful medieval fog - that female sexual pleasure is something to be ashamed of.
Not admitting that they use sex toys because their partners will feel inadequate is simultaneously one of the most prevalent and depressing reasons for women hiding them. 'They may think that their partners will feel threatened,' says Cathryn.
Scarlett*, a 28-year-old account manager tells Grazia: 'I always felt comfortable discussing all sorts of aspects of sex with my boyfriend, but was scared to tell him I used vibrators incase that made him feel inferior to them in some way – which sounds kind of silly now I say it out loud.'
This, of course, can be attributed to the age-old makes-us-pull-out-our-hair-in-frustration fact that women are ingrained to not make men feel bad about themselves, but is keeping our sexy stash secret from them having the opposite affect?
'We can all get into the same old routine and variety is the spice of life,' says Cathryn. 'It’s nicer to keep things a little bit new. I think a lot of women will be surprised with how readily men accept them initiating a change in their intimacy.'
'I love that my girlfriend shares her sex toys with me,' says Joe*, 25, who not only knows about his girlfriend’s vibrators, but uses them with her as well. 'I’d feel a bit weird if I found out she had a secret stash. I think it’s important to speak openly about sex in any relationship.'
So how can those of us who are a bit shy go about telling our partners about our collection?
'Take the conversation out of the bedroom,' Cathryn advises. 'If the question is asked in a moment of love-making, the whole thing could crash. You could say "I would love to use this on you" so the woman takes the initiative. See what they think about it, and say, "can you return the favour and can you use it on me?"'
And if your partner’s still feeling inadequate? 'Always tell the partner that nothing is as good as skin on skin and that it is there to enhance their intimacy, not replace it.'
Of course, for some women their sex toy case / drawer / crate (we aren’t here to judge) is theirs and only theirs, and no one should feel they have to share it if they don’t want to. The issue is, though, that for many the underlying reason why they don’t stems from the completely ridiculous societal stigmas surrounding female sexual pleasure and male power.