A TikTok centred around the pressure people – particularly women – feel to get married in their 20s, as well as the growth we must do before finding the right life partner, has started a huge conversation online.
TikToker Denise Lee, who regular posts life and business advice on her channel, has divided opinion with her extremely frank take on whether she would get married at 29, knowing what she knows now at 40.
‘I met my husband when I was 24 and we got married when I was 29. At the time I thought that this was, like, the ideal situation, I’m at the perfect age to get married,’ she explains.
‘But what I realised was in the four years that we were married, I grew so much as a person. I graduated from business school, started my own business. I just became such a different person that I didn’t feel like he was the best fit for me anymore and I don’t think I could have realised that at 29 when I said yes.’
She goes on to explain that the growth she went through from her mid 20s through to the age of 40 has taught her that perhaps it wasn’t fair to choose a life partner when she still had so much to learn. ‘If I could do it again, I would have allowed myself to have so much more growth in my life before I made a decision on a life partner.’
Denise explains that on reflection, her interests changed so much that she wouldn’t have chosen her ex-husband for the version of herself that she would be by the age of 35.
‘It’s really nothing against that partner, specifically, but it was more about the direction that I wanted my life to take. My interests by 35 were unrecognisable to my younger self and I don’t think it would have been fair of me to take him on this journey if I didn’t think that he was the right partner for the version of me that was to come.’
The reactions to this TikTok have been rather divided – some have come out in support of taking your time when it comes to finding a long-term partner, and to not rush it. Meanwhile, others have pointed out that adapting and changing over time is something that you can do while in a relationship and is all part of a lifetime together.
One commented: ‘Yes. I met him at 21, married at 24 and divorced at 29. Different person completely.’ Another emphasised the importance of not rushing big life decisions: ‘Two most important things in life are picking your partner and having kids. Don’t rush into these decisions!’
Another shared: ‘I’m 31 and I am still growing so much by leaps and bounds that dating/getting married now would be a mistake.’
Others pointed out the importance of the commitment you make when you get married – ‘Marriage is meant to be a commitment. Not a pair of shoes you outgrow’. Meanwhile another made the point that growing together in a relationship is also possible: ‘Growth will happen all your life. Important to continue working on your relationship to allow both to grow’.
One TikTok user commented that whether you can grow together in a lifetime depends on the person you choose: ‘I think there’s people you’re able to grow with and people who you’re not. This happens with friends too.’
Whatever side of the debate you come down on, it’s important to heed Denise’s words about choosing a partner based on who you’d like to become and to not bow to social pressures.
But at the same time, doesn’t growing and changing together sound like the perfect happy ending, whatever age you begin?