You’re a mum now and it’s amazing. Bloody tiring but amazing. The thing is, all of your friends are still single, spunking their money in the Zara sale and so not even thinking about having kids.
They were totally pumped when you told them you were pregnant and your baby has a dozen aunties by default, but your friendship isn’t quite the same now that you have to spend every Saturday contorting your nipples into a tiny mouth and walking miles in the rain because it’s the only way to get the baby to sleep, instead of hitting up Westfield and facing mass cocktail consumption.
Sometimes you hate the fact that they’re still living that life, other times you can’t remember what you ever loved about it. But most of all, you wish your mates would hurry up and sign up to motherhood so you don’t have to go it alone anymore.
The struggle is real and here’s eight reasons to prove it…
1. Oversharing is your thing now
There’s nothing quite like pushing a person out of your vagina to destroy the boundaries of TMI etiquette. Whenever you overhear any of your mates chatting coyly about the sexual exploits of their vagina, you can’t help ram road the conversation with talk of how you haven’t had sex in months or how if you do try, he can only poke it in a certain way because your stitches haven’t quite healed.
Plus, you’ve spent nine months being actively encouraged to tell medical professionals every little detail about your bodily fluids and the intricacies of blood splatter on your pants, so it seems rude not to update every visitor on the state of your vaginal tear/dodgy discharge/cracking nipples/all of the above.
2. No-one gets why you’ve become the noise police
You don’t truly appreciate ‘quiet’ until you’ve spent over two hours hours settling a baby to sleep and have to cram an online food shop and express feed into that tiny fraction of nap time. But your mates don’t live in a vortex of silence and still function at the audio level of a million decibels, slamming doors, playing the TV at max volume and answering their phone with a ‘Heyyyy’ loud enough to rouse a sloth OD’ing on Nytol.
Did you wake the baby? Yes, yes you did, you loud inconsiderate dipshit – and now it will take me an hour to get my wailing banshee back to sleep.
3. Your Whatsapp game is one-dimensional and it gives you rage
You don’t have time to wipe your own arse let alone stalk the net for hilarious Kanye memes or faux inspirational quotes, so what can you bring to the Whatsapp group? Photos of your baby, that’s what. Who gives a shit that you promised you wouldn’t become one of those mums that plasters social media with shots of their offspring rolling, smiling, shitting, wearing a hat.
You ignore any existing conversation to reveal that your kid stuck her tongue out for the first time today – and if they read it and don’t reply within half an hour. SO HELP YOU GOD.
4. Booze is a deal-breaker at baby events
This one comes down to knowing your audience; your audience being those girls you consider your closest friends because you’ve spent the last decade licking jaegerbomb spillages off club serving counters together. So it soon becomes clear that to guarantee them turning up to a Peter Rabbit-inspired baby shower or a first birthday party complete with a low-budget Disney entertainer, the invitations need to make it crystal clear that prosecco and wine will be flowing freely for the duration. Then you’ll invite some actually responsible adults who can hold the baby.
5. You can’t accept that anyone without a baby is late
It’s time to call bullshit on your mate’s lame excuse about the bus running late, considering you’ve made it out of the house on time despite the person latched onto your left tit.
6. Finding new mum friends is worse than Tinder
There’s only so many sickies your best mates can pull to hang with you and the baby, so you need to start hooking up with other mums. Who knew those bitches would be so tough to crack? You still haven’t got over the humiliation of finding out the baby yoga girls go for coffee after every session but haven’t invited you. And what about that Sophie girl from milk clinic who seemed like good craic and then swapped to another class without saying a word?
7. You eat stale bread while your child dines like royalty
Ever since that judgy Bugaboo biznitch in Sainsbury’s raised her eyebrows over the own-brand puree in your trolley, you’ve gone Crazy Eyes about what makes it into the mouth of your baby. If it isn’t organic, wholemeal, free range and locally sourced, it may as well be dog turd. And because none of your mates know any different, they can’t call you out for losing your mind. It’s just a shame that you don’t have any cash left over to buy food for to eat. Crisps it is.
8. They can’t and won’t judge you
It’s OK not to know what the crap you’re doing because your friends are so in awe that you’ve produced a mini person, they never think to question if you’re doing it right. They don’t shove their own opinions down your throat like the NCT girls or shoot you knowing looks like your mum. And if they pop round and see that you’re so knackered you can’t even focus on Real Housewives Of Cheshire repeats, they’ll take the baby off your hands and demand you have a bath and a nap. Then you remember exactly why they’re your girls, baby or no baby.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.