Things You Only Know If You HATE Seafood

Fish for dinner? Fuck right off mate that's a bonkers idea.

Things You Only Know If You HATE Seafood

by Jess Commons |
Published on

I did try and like fish, I really, really did. Despite growing up hating it, I took my tastebuds on the seafood campaign trail a few years back and let fancy prawns put do their deed, gave posh tuna steak a really good go, I even ate a seabass that Simon Rimmer off Sunday Brunch cooked for me in his PR's kitchen. It was for a feature. Simon Rimmer is not a close personal family friend. More's the pity.

And then, just as I was coming round to the idea that maybe fish and seafood wasn't the enemy, the great food poisoning of 2012 happened.

This happened when I ate some cod 'bites.' I was the sickest I've ever been and got taken to hospital in an ambulance and get put on a drip. I vomited out of both ends non-stop for 12 hours. It was very attractive and I can highly recommend it to no-one ever.

Since then, fish hasn't really appealed.

I know there's other people out there like me; who think that seafood is a bit unecessary. You guys are the sensible ones. Then there's the rest of you, the rest of you who can eat a tuna mayo sandwich without blinking an eye, those of you who can order fish with a straight face when you could have requested steak instead, and those of you who actually like the idea of a fish stew. YOU guys, you guys are the weirdos.

Here's a few other things you know if you hate seafood...

The texture is the greatest evil of all


No seafood has nice texture. No seafood at all. Whether it's slithery little bits of tuna or slick bogey-esque mussels and oysters or curiously chewy squid, octopus and prawns, there's something a bit 'off' about the constitution of seafood in a way that makes me think it wasn't really meant to be eaten. Like, someone ate some once because they were in a Leonardo Dicaprio in The Revenant situation and getting bloody desparate and then they told someone else to eat it but only as a joke. Person Number Two was so intimidated by Person Number One that they failed to see the joke and didn't want to mention that actually, eating fish felt like swallowing the hair you pull out of the plug hole. And so they ate it out of sheer embarassment. As did their children. And then their children. And so on.

Non-fishy fish is still fish

If you don't eat seafood, people develop obsessions about getting you to change your mind. Like, oh thanks mate, I know what I like and what I don't like but if you come along waving that prawn in an encouraging matter I'll totally chop my tongue out and take it down the local mouth shop to exchange it for a new one with fish-loving tastebuds (that is how tastebuds work right). No. Also, whilst I understand there are varying degrees of fishy-ness (I can gauge the difference between cod and anchovies, I'm not a total moron) just because some fish less fishy doesn't mean I'll like it. It just means I'll dislike it slightly less. And I could have a burger instead.

The bones

You know when you were little and everyone used to have a pet hamster or gerbil or rabbit or mouse and if you held it you couldn't stop thinking about how said gerbil had so many little bones in it and what would happen if you went full Lenny Of Mice And Men and accidently crushed it in your fat little chocolate covered hand? Fish have even more delicate bones than a gerbil. And, by eating fish, you are willingly dicing with death and risking getting those little bones somehwere in your throat. Not for me ta.

Seaside holidays are a double edged sword

Because while you get to lie on the beach, day drink with no conscience and generally do nothing, eating out is a pickle because everything but everything is a seafood restaurant which everyone in your holiday party is totally stoked about. For you though, there's one thing on the menu. And it's the kids' hamburger. With turkey dippers.

Battering a fish does help

But that's mainly because battering everything instantly makes it more delicious. You could batter an old Converse All Star that hadn't been worn since Avril Lavigne's Complicated and I would probably eat that. Batter for everyone

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Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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