In the week leading up to my thirtieth birthday, I cried every day on the way to work. I couldn’t believe that my teenage dream of having a husband and at least two children wasn’t going to come true before I arrived at the big 3-0.
But, a year later, I’m still single and in love with my thirties. In fact, I’m more sure about who I am. Turning 30 felt like a couldn’t-care-less switch had been flicked on overnight.
But there always has to be someone that makes you come back crashing back down to earth with a big thump when they remind you that you’re still single, you’re 30+ and it’s not good.
For one reason or the other, and probably because of backgrounds rooted in traditional values, in the black community getting married has been put on the do-or-die pedestal of absolutely necessary life achievements. When you don’t get married or have children in your twenties, not only is it frowned upon, it almost feels like a taboo.
I am a big fan of marriage. What I’m not a fan of though is single-shaming. Not everyone is destined to be married. It’s a fact some of us will have to come to terms with. By this reason, it is unreasonable to shame or laugh at someone who remains single whether by choice or circumstance.
There is no real reason to see 30 as a cut off, and yet it seems to be the age many of us fixate on, as if it’s obligatory to have got our careers, husbands and families sorted out on a deadline.
I’m not alone. Many young women find that same seed growing in their mind also - particularly those who have crossed or are about to cross the age-30 threshold.
Social media influencer, Zeze Millz, who turned 30 earlier this year and says family members have begun to skip the marriage part altogether and tongue-in-cheek tease her about when she’ll get pregnant. ‘I feel a bit of guilt that my mum is getting older and my mum hasn’t got a grandchild yet’ she says.
Despite being known for her opinionated nature, Zeze said there are times where she has even second-guessed herself as to why she may still be single and what she needs to change in order for that to end.
‘Men sometimes look at you and seem to think “you’re 30 and you’re not ugly, so why are you still single?” like there’s something wrong with you. Sometimes I think to myself, ‘should I be still be opinionated?’, ‘do I need to filter stuff out or tone things down?’ If I was a ‘quiet girl down the way’, I probably would be married by now.’
Charisse Peters, a relationship and psychosexual therapist, says women who are worried about being single into their thirties need to look at wider life goals and focus on how to have healthy relationships before even thinking about marriage.
‘Women often think they’re selfish if they think about themselves”, she says. “We have emotional burdens of all sorts of things but often setting boundaries in every area of life isn’t one of them.’
Charisse says women too often focus on how they can help or save everyone else in their life without taking the time to look after or know themselves. She said: ‘You can fall into a pattern of going from one relationship to another in search for that one person to 'complete you' without really understanding who you are. This can be a recipe for a co-dependent and unhappy marriage.’
Ironically, the desperation to become coupled could potentially come full circle and lead you to become single again.
If there’s anything I’ve learnt so far in my 31 years, it’s that your confidence and self-esteem are two of the most powerful tools you have in your arsenal. Being single does not make you a second-class citizen, and it’s not an excuse for family members or loved-up friends to judge you, and you can show them where to go if they do.
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