If you want to ask a question that's sure to divide people at the pub, then ask them if you should get back with your ex. There are those in 'the past is the past' camp who will tell you, firmly, that no, you should never revisit an old flame - there are plenty more fish in the sea, after all. But those on the other side of the fence, the 'love conquers all' romantic types, will tell you it's worth a shot. The course of true love never did run smooth, after all.
It's a dilemma even celeb world isn't immune to. After Molly Mae and Tommy Fury split last year, rumours have been circulating that the pair could be reconciling after it was reported they reunited on a secret five-star getaway on Valentine's Day. Molly quelled this speculation in a statement to the Mail Online, which read: 'At this current time Molly is focusing on what's best for herself and her daughter whilst co-parenting...Others' opinion on her relationship is not her focus or her concern. Only she knows how she feels.'
Then there's J Lo and Ben Affleck. The former couple are staying 'connected' after their divorce, and some people speculated that they could also be rekindling their romance - although it's more likely they are staying in touch for practical reasons. A source told Page Six 'They have every intention of continuing to be in each other’s lives despite not being romantically involved,' continuing 'Ben and Jennifer are still connected and they do communicate when it involves their kids.'
However, all this begs the question - should you ever get back with an ex? Can things ever work out after so much pain and heartbreak? The jury's out - but plenty of us are at it. A 2016 study found that 54% of British people who’ve been through a break-up in the past five years ended up getting back together with their ex. Couples who got back together did so an average of 2.11 times, and three per cent of those surveyed revealed they’d separated and then patched things up six times or more.
Gabriella*, 30, got back with an ex when she was at university, and describes it as a 'mistake' that she now regrets. 'I should have left the past where it was instead of trying to revive something that wasn’t there anymore. Looking back, I realise I was clinging to a memory rather than the reality of what we had become,' she says. 'My advice? If it’s done, it’s done. Cut ties, move on, and don’t waste time trying to rewrite a chapter that’s already been closed.’
This was also the case for Tasha*, 29, who got back with her ex after a bad breakup. She says the relationship didn't work out, and the heartbreak the second time around was much worse. 'I shouldn’t have gone back to him, as he was way more toxic the second time around and he literally didn’t care about the second breakup. I think I’d have regretted not trying again if I didn’t, but I do wish I had just walked away the first time and had the will power to not go back. I still feel really damaged from it and it’s been a year,' she says.
In fact, it's depressingly common for relationships not to work a second time around. So why do we keep trying? One study, published in October 2020 found that people who are most driven to rekindle with their ex feel that way due to a loss of sense of self. And a 2022 study concluded that on-again, off-again relationships can have a significant negative impact on the mental health of both partners.
Claire Rénier, relationship expert at happn says that it can be 'natural' to consider getting back together with an ex, because the modern dating world can be difficult to navigate. '[An ex is] already known and familiar to you, so it doesn’t feel like starting from scratch. By knowing their habits, likes and dislikes, it can be more comfortable than putting yourself out there and meeting someone new. But it’s important to consider whether you truly want to be in a relationship with that person, or you’re just slipping back into old habits because it’s easy,' she says.
It's tough, but that's not to say it can't ever work out. Sometimes, losing each other can actually be the thing that cements your bond - and makes your relationship stronger in the future. Kristen Bell and Dax Shepherd broke up, before they got back together, getting married in 2013 and having two children together. 'He sat me down and said, "I can't have this right now. I think you're wonderful, but I am still dating other people,"' Bell told PopSugar. 'And then I, like, liquefied and fell to the ground, but I felt incredibly respected that he had the balls to tell me we weren't in the same place.'
Nick and Jessica Lacheyalso broke up for four months, before going on to have three children together. 'I was single for a minute there, and then we've kind of patched things up,' Vanessa said in an interview with Good Day Philadelphia at the time.
For others, getting back together can actually form grounds for a friendship in the future. 'I would say getting back with my ex was good in the long term purely because I was getting over them while being with them. We’ve ended up having a really lovely friendship afterwards because we both realised we want different things from life overall but want each other in our lives long term,' says Sally, 30.
If you are considering getting back with an ex, Rénier says it's important to consider the compatibility issues that led to the breakup. 'It may be that the romantic or sexual chemistry was off the charts but there were disagreements on day-to-day topics, or there was a difference in values and morals. Or perhaps the base friendship was incredibly strong but it was hard to maintain the spark,' she says.
For the best chance of success, she recommends reflecting on the breakup and having an open and honest conversation about it to avoid repeating past mistakes_. '_Communication is key for a healthy relationship and to set yourself up for success as you restart. It allows you to put everything on the table while reducing uncertainty about your feelings,' she adds.