Have you ever found yourself eyeing your partner’s unattended phone, considering having a quick snoop? Turns out you’re not alone. New research found that a quarter of Brits admit to having snooped on their partner’s phone when they were sleeping, and on the flip side, one third have deleted messages or photos to stop their partner from seeing them. What’s more, a significant number of people say they would rather lose all their friends or their job than let their partner have full access to their digital life.
We live in an age where every aspect of our life is in our phone, which is perhaps what makes snooping so tempting. Exchanging unlocked phones is even a new relationship test on reality show Married At First Sight, the idea being that successful contestants will prove they have nothing to hide. But is the ‘unlocked phone test’ really a good barometer of a healthy relationship?
Peyton, 23, tried it herself in her last relationship and although her ex happily gave her his password, she discovered he still had something to hide. ‘At face value, he did all the right things. We shared the same phone password so we both had access to each others,’ she says. ‘But I had a gut feeling that I couldn’t shake.’ Peyton found a chat history with another woman, which included flirty voice notes and photos of her in his bed.
After this experience, she says it’s a ‘dealbreaker’ now if she doesn’t know a partner’s phone password. ‘Not so I can constantly go through it, but more having the security and option to if I felt necessary,’ she says.
Kal, 43, has her husband’s phone password, too, and says it’s more about practicality than a lack of trust. ‘When we’re driving, my husband will say, “Can you check the traffic on my phone?”, or “Can you put this song on?” We won’t go into each other’s messages. The kids know my password, too, for safety reasons.’
Practicalities aside, is the phone test simply a symptom of bigger trust issues in a relationship? ‘It is natural to be curious, but if you don’t trust your partner or respect their privacy this is likely going to impact positivity in a relationship,’ warns dating and relationship expert Sarah Louise Ryan. ‘Perhaps your gut has an intuition you can’t ignore. Perhaps you’ve spotted shifts in day-to-day behaviour. Or, maybe you just do not trust your partner and are looking for evidence as to why you shouldn’t. Whether it’s one of these things or all of the above, it means that somewhere along the line you have stopped relating positively to your partner.’
Instead of the phone test, try this: ‘Talk about how you feel, the story in your mind at the moment about trust, and ask them to consider how much truth there may be to your thoughts. Go gently, be clear and speak for yourself, not for them. The truth always reveals itself.’