The Nine Texts You’ll Get From Your Ex

What are the messages you'll get in those months after a break-up?

**1. The ‘HEY’ text **

It’ll just be a ‘hey’ or a ‘yo’ - or, if your ex is one of those people you really regret dating, a ‘waazzzzuuppp’. This might actually be the most terrifying text of all, as you have no idea what they want from you apart from your attention. The best part is, all you need to reply is ‘hi’ back, which leaves the ball in their court for pushing the conversation forward. But what if they don’t text back? What if they do and they want to meet up? If just one word, texted by your ex, can be this destabilising, it’s little wonder that texts comprised of actual sentences can be so tragic, annoying and upsetting.

**2. The ‘I had a dream’ text **

Sigmund Freud said that dreams will draw things from your deep subconscious and propel them to the front of your mind and then you’ll wake up and turn them into a story so you can make some sense of them. It’s not the images that tell you about you, it's the story that you turn them into that can reveal a lot about your hidden desires. Interesting, right? What isn’t interesting is your ex thinking that their dream about you is so spontaneous and by chance that it doesn’t matter that they’re interrupting your agreed post-break-up silence to tell you about it. What they don't get is that you can tell they took the time to a) remember the dream and b) text you about it.

3. The ‘saw this and thought of you’ text

Your ex will send you some digital remnant of something that you once shared joke about way back when you were together. It could be anything from a photo of a misspelt takeaway menu to a YouTube clip of the song you both agreed was ‘our’ song. The one that you were forced to listen to in clubs and on the radio for the following months until you made new memories of it and it no longer made you sad. Well, that was until just now when your ex reminded you of it, and all of those shared memories came flooding back and you’re having to re-do your makeup because it’s all cried off.

**4. The casual brag text **

Not quite a humble-brag (a humblebrag always involves some form of self-flagellation), your ex will update you on some apparently seismic news that is just so dull you’re secretly happy they’ve got in touch. First up, it shows how slowly life is moving for them that they have to broadcast to you that their new flatmate works in this really cool company. And also it reminds you that you're no longer with them so you don’t have to care anymore.

**5. The bootycall **

A ‘what you up to?’ at 3am from someone who you had very little in common with when together - besides a mutual adoration for each other’s genitals - won’t be anything but a hook up request. And answers of anything other than ‘just hanging out at mine wanna come over?’ will be ignored.

6. The need-to-know text

Feeling like they should still be the first to know about any major developments in your life, your ex will feel intense umbrage when a mutual friend (Facebook mutual, we mean, not actual mutual. This mutual is more friends with your ex than you and is likely only still ‘friends’ with you so your ex can check in on what you’re up to) informs them about your new job/flat/appearance on local television. So they’ll text you, livid about it. No reply will ever be adequate.

**7. The angry-about turn text **

It will start with an angry accusation of something that has been relayed to them, or maybe something they’ve just invented after some injudicious stalking of your social media accounts - which, of course, you’ve been VERY busy with post-break-up. ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE SLEPT WITH THAT GUY’ is a perfect example. Then, a few minutes later, they’ll text you with a much kinder ‘I just miss you’, which actually explains nothing apart from they’re thinking about you way too much and should probably get a hobby.

8. The faux-drunk one

Complete with misspellings that your ex has laboriously typed in to avoid them being autocorrected, they send this one to make you feel like they’re out having loads of fun, so much fun that they only think of you when they’re incredibly drunk. But actually they’re alone in their room, sitting on the edge of their bed, biting their fingernails and hunched over their phone, waiting for your reply that'll prove that you’re not out drunk having the time of your life.

9. The text you actually want to respond to

It sounds smug, but there might actually come a point in yours and your exes lives that you don't feel so weirded out by them getting in touch. They text for a catch-up: 'What have you been up to?' 'How are things?' 'What's new?' and you don't reply for a bit. Not because the text jolts you, but because you simply don't care that much anymore. At this point you start to believe that whole 'zen' thing isn't a hippy myth, after all.

Follow Sophie on Twitter @sophwilkinson

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.