Since founding Killing Kittens – a company which hosts the world’s most progressive and hedonistic members-only sex parties – in 2005, I’ve learnt a thing or two about female pleasure. Killing Kittens began when I identified a gap in the market for a safe space where women could explore their sexual desires without any shame or guilt. Over the past two decades, we’ve hosted everything from black tie balls to masquerades and club nights and opened up a whole new world of pleasure for our 180,000 members.
I came up with the idea for Killing Kittens while I was working in PR for an erotica show. I became frustrated by how everything was very male-controlled – all the sex toys and lingerie were all designed by men for women. There were sex parties, but again these felt very catered towards men’s needs. The final moment of inspiration came when I was drunk in Ibiza for a wedding. Someone phoned in and said, “are you guys all just sat around killing kittens at the moment?” and it led to a whole group discussion. It’s slang for “every time someone masturbates, God kills a kitten” – and that throwaway comment became the name for the parties. Everything just grew from there.
When I talk about my career journey, people are always fascinated by how I went to school with Kate Middleton. I’m five years older than Kate, and the reality is that our paths crossed for a short while in 2006 when she briefly split with William. I think people are interested by the fact we once knew each other, and now we’re living such different lives.
Killing Kittens is different from other sex parties on the market because it's fully focused on the pursuit of female pleasure. I wanted to create a hedonistic environment where women felt safe and respected. When we first started 19 years ago, the world was a lot more binary than it is now. We introduced rules like women always had to be the ones to approach men, but now the parties work more through consent, respect, and boundaries. We don’t let single men in, and every man who attends must be invited by a female member. The dress code is black tie or cocktail dresses, but we also do themed nights, some of which are catered towards fetishes. We always ask people to wear masks, as it adds to the element of mystery.
The parties roughly have a 60/40 women to men ratio, and we welcome all ages, genders, and kinks. We get groups of younger women in their late twenties coming for a girly night out, but we’re also seeing a huge rise in midlife women in their late thirties and forties. Some of them have come out of long marriages or abusive relationships and are looking to get their confidence back. A lot of midlife women grew up with the messaging that sex was just about pleasing men, which means they repressed their own desires. I get messages from women all the time saying they didn’t really enjoy sex until they found the Killing Kittens community.
However, the onus of the parties has never just been on sex. Probably 50% of people who come to the event just have a dance in their lingerie. I’ve taken three local school mums who have no interest in getting naked, and they all told me how afterwards empowered they felt.
A key element of the parties is curating a sensual, female-focused atmosphere, right down to the details – whether that’s candle-lit playrooms or the right music to get people in the mood. We place a big focus on making sure the performances are a visual turn on for women. Unlike men who can get off watching brightly lit porn, women’s biggest sexual organ is their imagination – to switch from knackered mum mode to sexual creature, they need their brain to be turned on. We focus on cabaret and burlesque performances that are slow, sensual, and erotic.
It still amazes me how many men don’t understand basic female anatomy. Growing up, we were taught that sex was about a penis going in a vagina and the end point was the male orgasm. But female pleasure is just as important as male pleasure. Most people don’t know that a clitoris is nine inches long, and female orgasms are much more intense than male ones. We have so many pleasure points – nipples, inside arms, behind the knees. All of this should be covered in sex education, but it’s not.
Throughout my career, I’ve learned that a lot of women are naturally bicurious, and we get loads of girl-on-girl action at our parties. On the Kinsey Institute Sexuality Scale, which classifies sexual orientation on a scale of 0 – 7, women naturally fall on 3,4,5. I know several women who came out in their forties last year having been in heterosexual marriages for fifteen to twenty years. When you’re a bit older and you don’t have the worry about the biological clock anymore, you suddenly think: what do I want? What do I need? At the end of the day, it’s not as binary as people think. Just last week, a friend of mine last week said to her husband “I’m bored, and I like girls, but I don’t want to leave you.” They had lots of conversations about it, and now he’s fine with her exploring her sexuality at our parties.
Alongside single people, Killing Kittens caters for all sorts of couples. Some have rules like they can’t have penetrative sex with other people, but they can play separately. Because of that, there’s more spent time exploring the pleasure side of things because it takes the focus away from the male orgasm. Some couples come in and separate straight away, while others like to have single girls join them. Then there’s always the exhibitionists who love getting it on in the corner while people watch. We also have a dungeon for couples who want to try out with a house dominatrix, who can teach them about consent and how to spank properly.
From speaking to men who have attended the events, I know at the beginning they can feel a bit emasculated when they see their partner sexually exploring with other people. But they quickly start to see the confidence women gain from being in those situations, and all that goes away. It teaches men that if you take the time to listen and explore, you learn what female pleasure is all about. It’s a journey, and when you take the end point out of it and just focus on the experience, it can be mind blowing.
As for the future of Killing Kittens? As the world becomes more sex positive, we’re expanding with it. Alongside hosting parties around the world, we launched a dating app called WAX in 2023, and in 2026 will take 640 members on a hedonistic cruise around the Mediterranean. From day one I’ve always wanted to host a gay Killing Kittens party, so now we’re branching into queer events too with the launch of KK Homme. We’ve seen a massive increase in bisexual men at our events – because more women are exploring, men are too. We want to create a safe, queer space that will cater to our members.
My advice for anyone considering their first sex party is just go for it. For couples, make sure you communicate and set boundaries beforehand so you’re on the same page. There’s no pressure to dive straight in, so don’t have any expectations and spend some time observing to see if there’s anything you want to try. You never know – what you discover might surprise you.
As told to Alice Hall