I like to say that I’m a person that doesn’t really have a type when it comes to dating. Or at least, if you looked at a line-up of my past relationships, situationships, dates and one-night stands, it’s unlikely that you would immediately attribute them all to me. But in dating across such a spectrum, I have come to realise that there is something that I need in a future partner, something that I recently realised was non-negotiable: he has to be a feminist. And it turns out that that’s a harder ask than I thought.
Just in case you hadn’t already realised, I’m a feminist. And by my definition of feminist, I mean someone who believes in the equality between men and women. I should also clarify that I don’t mind it when people don’t like to label themselves as a feminist, I don’t understand it, but I’m not hugely bothered by it, as long as they live their lives believing that ultimately men and women are equal and should be treated as such.
Until last week, I hadn’t ever been on a date with someone who didn’t live by that sentiment. Then I met Alfie - though obviously that’s not his real name. We met at a gorgeous wine bar in Central London for our first date, but within minutes of meeting I realised that he wasn’t the one for me. Not a big deal, we could still make conversation until we finished our drinks.
Eventually we started talking about favourite films and I revealed to him that two of my favourite films were Little Women - the version starring Florence Pugh and Saoirse Ronan - and Promising Young Woman. Alfie asked me, 'Why?' and I explained that films with strong female leads and a plotline that examines society were my favourite kinds of films.
'Why?' asked Alfie again, like a quizzical toddler.
'Because I like to see real women reflected in films.' I replied.
'Oh' said Alfie with a definite tone, 'Would you call yourself a feminist?'
'100%. Would you?' I asked dreading the answer.
'No. But I do believe in the equality between men and women. I think that women should feel empowered.'
Phew. Interesting choice of wording but we’re ok.
'But…' continued Alfie.
Oh no… How can anyone follow the sentence ‘Women should feel empowered' with a ‘but…’?
'But... there’s a reason why men are in power.'
'Yes, the patriarchy…'
Turns out Alfie doesn’t like that word either and starts defending his case.
Which brings me to my first point for getting through a date with your opposite – sorry it took so long...
It’s OK to start a discussion
Try and see where the other person is coming from. Just because they don’t agree with you, it doesn’t mean that they’re wrong. If nothing else, you might learn why some people are idiots.
I won’t go into the details, but ultimately, Alfie and I agree to disagree, realise that we would never work together because I need to date someone who agrees with more than just the sentiment of equality and start talking about other things. It’s a little bit awkward post-feminism chat but we seem to be on pretty good terms as we say goodbye.
On to my next suggestion…
Don’t raise your voice
As difficult as it may be, try not to get too frustrated or angry with your date. This is especially important if you’re a woman on a date with a man because it’s likely that the word 'emotional' will get thrown at you. Or in my case… 'anti-men'.
When I get home, I check my phone to see that he’s sent me two texts.
The first calls my views 'extreme and bordering on anti-men and inequality and hate speech' before saying that what I'm looking for in a man is a 'temporary fantasy unless I find someone spineless and with no self-respect'. Lovely...
The second, which comes ten minutes after the first, is slightly softer though just as unnecessary and says that it was a shame that I had to take things so seriously on our first date, 'because I seem like a sweet girl'. He also advised me to lighten up and enjoy life a bit more.
I was not expecting anything like that to be waiting for me on my WhatsApp when I got home and if I hadn’t been with my flatmate - who refused to see the texts as anything other than ridiculously funny - I probably would have been quite shaken and maybe even upset. They did leave me questioning how hard I had gone in on the boy, but I know that I was nothing other than genuinely inquisitive and didn’t raise my voice. Why did he even bother to send them? Did he think that these messages would make me change my opinion of him or even make me less of a feminist?
And my final word of hard-won wisdom…
Ignore them and move on
Whatever you do, don’t bite back. Oh, how I would have loved to have sent Alfie a witty, well-rehearsed paragraph proving him wrong but ultimately it would have done more harm than good.
I’m very lucky that as a woman, these texts are the closest that I’ve ever come to feeling unsafe on or after a date and I know that that’s not the case for a lot of women. For me, this date served as a learning curve and taught me that I need to date a unapologetic feminist. Hopefully Alfie also learnt something too, but I doubt it.
Naturally I didn’t reply to him and since then I’ve been on several successful dates with men who happily call themselves feminists. One even implemented consent training for the student union at his university and I think it might actually be the sexiest thing someone has ever said on a first date.