For Clara, 29, moving in with her boyfriend Max, 30, meant ending up in a less than comfortable situation. Here, she explains what happened when Max’s ex-girlfriend Jemma, 30, moved into the spare room...*
‘When people hear I live with my boyfriend Max* and I met through friends at a festival in 2018. After dating far too many f--kboys, I instantly knew he was different. He was smart, funny, kind and had great banter - plus I (ital)really fancied him. We moved in together quickly after five months. We’d both previously lived in London houseshares and found them stressful so it seemed like a no-brainer.
We got a lovely two-bedroom garden flat in South London, but the rent was a stretch. I’m a self-employed designer and Max was working for a start-up at the time. I'd also underestimated the expense of living with just one other person, having previously split all costs with four other housemates.
Then, in July 2019, six months in to living together, Max was made redundant. He managed to get a new job, but we both agreed letting out the spare room would take the pressure off. I remember feeling relieved – I’d built up £3,500 worth of credit card debt, so another housemate felt like a sensible solution. But I worried about the dynamic – would a third housemate feel awkward squeezed in next to us on the sofa? It was such a small space, the idea of a stranger living with us felt weirdly intimate.
We asked friends and family to put the word out, but we didn’t get many takers. Then, one day while I was at the hairdressers - panicking about whether my card would get declined - my phone light up with a message from Max. It was a screengrab of an Instagram DM he’d received. It read: ‘Hey, I know this might be a bit weird, but is the room still available? X'. I clocked the name. It was Jemma, Max’s ex-girlfriend. My heart was pounding. Surely this had to be a wind-up?
Jemma and Max had dated for just over two years at university, but split after graduating eight years ago. I had met her a few times before on group nights out and I’d felt slightly intimidated by her she’s very pretty, glamorous and outgoing. To be fair to her though, she was always very warm and friendly.
That night, Max and I talked through the idea of having her as a potential housemate. He assured me he didn’t have feelings for her, nor did he find her attractive. I believed him, although I stressed if it ever felt at all uncomfortable, she’d have to leave immediately. He agreed.
The situation suited Jemma – she was moving to London with no job, so wanted a cheap room that didn’t eat into her savings. I went away the weekend Jemma moved in, leaving Max to help her. I couldn’t help feeling slightly jealous, wondering if we’d done the right thing. But the huge bunch of flowers from her waiting for me in the kitchen when I returned made me feel better. Besides, she was contributing £500 a month for the room, plus paying towards bills, which would really help us out.
As you’d expect, there were a few teething problems. Jemma was very clean and tidy, but it’s a small flat with only one bathroom. Max and I had nailed our morning routine – suddenly, someone else had to fit in. Because I work from home and Jemma was job-hunting, we were both home a lot together. The flat felt smaller, and I became self-conscious talking on the phone and stopped doing my morning HIIT workouts in the lounge.
Jemma would also talk openly about guys she was dating and give me the lowdown which I found really awkward initially - I guess it made me think about her relationship with Max.
One night, I offered Jemma a glass of wine while Max was out. It felt like a good ice breaker. She admitted she’d felt nervous moving in and that she didn't want to be an imposition. From then on, things felt less tense.
It didn’t mean the awkwardness disappeared completely, though. Jemma loves having people back to ours whereas we’re more into quiet nights in. When this happens, we go into our bedroom to watch TV.
There have been other toe-curling moments too - like the time Jemma came home while Max and I were having sex. Normally we’re super conscious of her being around and keep the volume down but this time we’d had a few drinks and hadn’t realised she’d come home. I felt mortified the next day and still cringe about it, wondering what she’d heard.
People sometimes ask if I’ve ever felt weird kissing Max in front of her – I haven’t, and I don’t think he has either. If she finds it uncomfortable, she’s never let on. The only time I’ve been genuinely annoyed at Jemma was when she made a fairly innocuous comment about Max hating anchovies on his pizza. I didn’t know this so it really put my nose out of joint. I suppose it reminded me how close they’d once been.
We were lucky in lockdown that she started seeing a guy and stayed at his place. Max and I were massively grateful - it meant we weren’t on top of each other throughout the worst parts of the pandemic.
Now we’ve come out the other side of lockdown, Jemma’s debating moving in with her boyfriend permanently after Christmas, which would suit us as we can cover the rent ourselves now. If I could go back in time, would I still live with my boyfriend’s ex? Actually, yes – I think Max would, too. It’s been a huge help to our finances and although it’s unconventional, it’s worked out really well and we’re all now friends.
In a strange way, it did also put our relationship to the test, reinforcing how we really feel about each other. Surely if we can live with Max’s ex in a tiny flat during a global pandemic, we’ve got to be doing
*names have been changed
Picture: Stocksy