Falling into a bad relationship is easy. The significant other is usually charming, things move fast and they might claim to love you early on (see also the Dark Triad). By the time the threats start, the fear sets in and they actively try to destroy your self-esteem, it’s too late. You’re already in – and getting out could be the hardest thing you ever do. Abusive relationships are a devastating matrix of love, coercion, devotion and annihilation of confidence.
The most common misconception is that staying in a toxic relationship is a sign of weakness when, in fact, it is, in many cases, a misuse of great strength. To find out why women stay in bad relationships, I spoke to four brave women. Before we get to their testimonies, let me say this: I put a callout on social media to speak to women who’ve been in toxic relationships for this article. The response was overwhelming, and many came from closer to me than I had expected. Emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships are horrifically common - remember that, always.
Ava, 21, has only recently extricated herself from a dangerous relationship. She had to seek legal help to keep her ex-boyfriend away from her, after a particularly violent altercation. ‘Only when I look back on the relationship, do I realize it was toxic,’ she says. ‘Because when you are in it, you’re in this bizarre and dull frame of mind where you think that this is how things are supposed to be, this is the person for you, and you should just accept that nothing is perfect. In reality, my freedom was limited. I had to answer where I was, who I was with, what I was doing.’
Ava’s ex would taunt her, call her names and undermine her self-worth at every opportunity, whether it was calling her a ‘slag’ for wearing make-up or a ‘lying cunt’ for not coming to see him. She sent him money, traveled to see him at a moment’s notice, and tolerated both his jealous ranting about other men and sleazy boasting about other women. ‘He would treat me like a disease, flaunting other girls he was texting in my face, negatively comparing me to them. My self-esteem and self-worth were non-existent.’
One night, this man grabbed Ava by the throat, throttled her, threw her on the bed and yelled about how pathetic she was and how lucky she was to have him. She ran into her room, terrified, and stayed there while he smashed everything he could in the apartment.
Afterwards, ‘he burst out crying, telling me of his anger problems, and that he only acts the way he does because he loves me so much. That was the worst thing of all. To try and confuse love with abuse.’
But that’s what abusers do, routinely. They dress their abusive behaviour up as affection and demand gratitude for the pain they put their victims through. So, why did Ava stay?
‘He was the first boy I loved,’ she says. ‘There were some great times. I wanted everyone who disapproved to be proven wrong, I wanted to have a happy ending. As time went on, my faith in that outcome turned into desperation and I clung on to the hope that he would change so I wouldn’t feel trapped anymore.’
‘When you are in a relationship with someone you care so deeply about, and they hurt you over and over again, you push it to one side because you believe that they love you, and they only did it because they were hurting too’ she explains, ‘you want so badly to heal their wounds that sometimes, you put them before yourself, even though you are allowing yourself to be repeatedly damaged. I wanted to rescue him, because I could see that he was unhappy in himself. I think in hindsight I also wanted to save myself. I believed I was worthless, and by trying to save someone else, maybe I’d love myself a bit more. If that meant going through pain and emotional abuse, I just kept telling myself that it was all a means to an end.’
Ginny, 34, found herself in a similar situation. Rather than physical intimidation, she was slowly diminished by her former partner one acerbic put-down at a time. Whether it was about her intellect or her body, her ex-boyfriend found a way to belittle her any way he could – sometimes in the privacy of their relationship, sometimes in front of friends. Throughout the 10 months they were together, he made a habit of gaslighting Ginny about one female friend in particular – one, it would turn out, he’d been sleeping with the whole time. ‘I told him that she made me a bit uncomfortable, and he started trying to paint me as a crazed, paranoid bitch who was trying to stop him from having friends,’ Ginny says. It was an intense, fast-moving relationship from the start – and that just escalated, until one day he proposed, only to dump her a week later while they were on holiday with her parents.
‘I think I always knew something was wrong, but I had such low self-esteem and was so swept away by how intensely he pursued me that I ignored it. I didn't have the confidence to argue back and I suppose I believed he must be right about me. Also I just couldn't see how anyone else would want me’ she tells me. ‘After we split up, I lost half my body weight, started running half-marathons, and made a lot of amazing friends who helped me see what I was really worth. I think people stay in bad relationships mainly because we feel like we are getting what we deserve and through the fear that we won't find anyone else.’
What Ginny’s talking about here, a complete collapse of self-worth, is what psychologist and relationship expert Samantha Carbon would call ‘a loss of self’. ‘Clients in toxic relationships start to lose themselves or forget themselves. Their happiness is no longer a priority,’ she says. ‘Unhealthy criticism can be a contributing factor to why people feel they are undervalued and worthless and this contempt can create unhealthy patterns in the relationship, which can lead to resentment and acting out. To get out, you almost have to detox yourself from the beliefs and values that you created together and remind yourself of the importance of self. Self-compassion is key to ensuring you survive the possible backlash of leaving this type of relationship.’
That’s exactly what Harriet, 29, had to find the strength to do. She is currently in therapy, trying to recover from a 4.5 year relationship riddled with infidelity, lies and manipulation. She stayed that long, partly, because she questioned her own judgment. ‘If I ever expressed concerns or doubts, he would get defensive, aggressive, or just gaslight me until I ended up being the one apologizing,’ she says. ‘I realized something was wrong when he tried to end it and I found messages between him and a female friend which made it clear he has been unfaithful and was continuing an obscene online relationship with her. I realized something was really wrong when he did similar things over and over. I got so familiar with his pathetic, sheepish face he made when he was sprung. The memory of it is searing and heartbreaking. If I didn’t love him so much, I would have been embarrassed for him.’
And that’s the other reason Harriet stayed: She loved him. ‘I still do…but, he had so destroyed my self-esteem and so convinced me that I was unlovable, unpleasantly suspicious, and clingy, that I clung to him as a source of affirmation.’
Harriet left her life with this man in tatters. I ask what the aftermath was and she says: ‘Utter emotional devastation. A near-total dismantling of my sense of worth. An odd mixture of intermittent catatonia and hysteria. A firm belief in my fundamental un-lovability.’ She had to move back in with her parents because they were all worried what she might do, living alone. She’s really only learning how to function again now.
‘I also live with an unspeakably profound sadness. I miss my best friend at the same time as I know that best friend is very possibly a sociopath. Being away from him has been freeing, for obvious reasons, but also oddly constraining. He exercised such total control over my internal emotional life that I still measure nearly every element of my life by what he would think and whether he would like it. That habit will be hard to break I suspect.’
Alice, 29, has been emotionally abused by several men, one of whom ended up leaving her in a foreign country with no explanation, another of whom prompted her to move interstate to escape his relentless, increasingly aggressive contact. She’s spent much of her adult life thinking about why women like her stay in relationships that hurt.
‘As a general insight, below the level of genuine fear, you stay with people because you think you understand them, and if you understand the source of their pain or rage, then it can't hurt you,’ she says. ‘Or you're willing to take some pain for the amount of help you can provide. Because we like to feel essential and useful. It feels like a form of strength; your ability to sustain discomfort, or even pain, for a greater good. It’s a form of heroism. You're Atlas.’
Alice, like me, has seen close friends go through the same thing: remarkable women sacrificing themselves to the ‘greater’ cause of a man’s happiness. Too afraid, or too good, or too sensitive, to break hearts despite the damage they do to their own. It’s excruciating to watch, and worse to know that your disapproval only makes them feel closer to their abusive partner.
‘It's a misplaced strength and loyalty, I think,’ Alice says. ‘They’re warrior virtues. Women in those relationships don't relate to the frightened, beaten wife scenario, even if they spend their whole time on eggshells, trying to soothe and help. Because they don't feel helpless - they feel like it's a difficult task. At a certain point there's a sunk cost fallacy that begins to play. Particularly for women. There’s the sense that you're no bed of roses yourself necessarily. It’s the false equivalency of flaws, like self-gaslighting.’
Each of these women went through that, and wrenched themselves free. Harriet is still working on her relationship with herself. Ginny is happily married to someone kind, with a baby on the way. Ava has moved on and swears by the saying ‘what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger’. Alice is engaged. They have generously shared their stories with clarity and strength. However, there are millions of women who are trapped in toxic relationships the world over. If we’re ever going to help them out, we have to start by understanding why so many of us stay in destructive relationships. It is, so often, much more complicated that it seems.
Liked this? You might also be interested in:
Things You Only Know When Your Boyfriend Cheats On You With Your Friend
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.