‘Quite early on into dating again, a guy in his thirties sent me a picture of his penis in the middle of the afternoon. I didn’t know what to do, so I said, “Ooh that looks nice,” like I was praising a child who had drawn a picture of a train.’
Helen Thorn’s marriage ended just a couple of weeks before the pandemic, which meant she found herself newly single, after a 22-year relationship, in the height of lockdown. So what did she do when the kids had gone to bed at night? Downloaded Tinder and had a look at what was out there.
Helen admits that the first full Covid lockdown, which lasted until June, served a useful purpose insofar as she could only meet new people virtually – despite her desire to get back into the dating world with gusto. ‘I had this yearning to meet someone but I was very vulnerable. I instantly wanted to explore sex and dating, so the lockdown was very useful for me – by the time it got to June, I has been messaging people and had got up to all sorts of disgusting stuff online.’
Helen, whose book, Get Divorced, Be Happy, is out now, isn’t the only person to find herself exploring re-entry dating and sex after the pandemic. A recent survey by Bumble found that 39% of Bumble users have ended a marriage or serious relationship in the last two years – and 36% are using dating apps for the first time.
It’s no surprise that a whole new raft of people are finding their way on to dating apps at the moment, explains sex and relationships writer and broadcaster Alix Fox. ‘The pandemic presented a host of exceptional challenges for those in long-term relationships. Some couples not only survived, but thrived, and were brought closer by stepping up to the plate and mutually supporting one another to battle through these novel tests as a team. But for a lot of lovers, the pressures of the situation either caused fatal cracks, or threw pre-existing problems that had been bubbling under into relief so sharp they could no longer be ignored.’
Charly Lester, dating expert for The Meet Group, adds: ‘A lot of people in their thirties and forties missed the first wave of Tinder, when the stigma surrounding online dating truly disappeared, and as a result there are now lots of “virgin” daters entering the app space. And while that's really exciting, it also brings some different behaviours into the dating space.’
Think about how much the world has changed in the last five, 10, even 20 years. If your last first date was a cider and blackcurrant in the local pub with a friend of a friend in the same year as the first iPhone came out, diving headfirst into the world of swiping right, 3am requests for nudes and first dates over Skype will make your head spin.
‘Dating has become far more of a numbers game than it ever was before,’ explains Charly. ‘So always remember you are one of many – not only when it comes to people seeing your profile on an app, but when it comes to the early stages of dating. Never assume exclusivity.’
'A lot of people in their thirties and forties missed the first wave of Tinder... as a result there are now a lot of "virgin" daters entering the app space'
It was certainly a change of pace for Helen, now 44, who was 19 when she met her ex-husband. ‘I found this new world of dating very fast and confronting – it matches how we live now, we want instant gratification, it’s not about planning ahead to go to the pub to meet someone on the off-chance that you might get along.’
Keen to explore her sexuality and feel good herself after her marriage ended, Helen wanted to meet as many different men as possible, and apps provided an opportunity that wouldn’t have been there before. ‘I opened myself up to different ages and professions, I just wanted to meet someone as different to my ex-husband as possible.’ But she also admits she entered what felt like a brave new world of casual sex and disposable dates with a certain level of naivety.
’There are so many articles about online dating – you know all the safe stuff, like meet in a public place, but you can find yourself intoxicated by someone who fancies you. My self-value was quite low so it was easy to get a quick hit from those apps, and that can be quite risky.’ For Helen, it was crucial to have a WhatsApp support group of friends who were slightly more seasoned online daters, to get a second opinion on who to respond to and how, and to inform when and where she was going on her dates.
Whether you’re back in the dating game for a new relationship or a succession of one-night stands, Charly Lester suggests that you think carefully about how you present yourself to your fellow daters as a dating app virgin. ‘In my experience, people who have never used dating apps before have unrealistic ideas about the casual nature of the online space,’ says Charly.
‘Lots of men have only ever thought of Tinder as a place where their single mates “get laid” ... and this can lead to a lack of respect for other daters on the platform. If you’ve just come out of a lengthy relationship and aren’t looking for a new one, be as honest as possible, and pay attention to what the people you’re matching with are looking for. Never assume everyone else on an app is looking for the exact same thing you are.’
But what else has changed in the world of dating? We’ve already mentioned that people are far more likely to be playing the numbers game now (Alix describes this as ‘New York-style dating’), but it’s not the only way dating has evolved.
‘Expect to pay half on dates, whatever your gender – that has definitely shifted in the past decade,’ says Nichi Hodgson, author of The Curious History Of Dating: From Jane Austen To Tinder. And presume that unless it’s been made explicit between you, you will both be dating other people until you agree otherwise – that's another thing that has really shifted in the past decade.’
'Expect to pay half on dates, whatever your gender - that has definitely shifted in the past decade'
Sadly, another facet of modern dating is ghosting – which, our experts say, you’ll be lucky to avoid. Rosie Wilby, author of The Breakup Monologues, says, ‘If you’ve not dated for a long time, behaviours like ghosting can take a lot of getting used to. I’m quite old-school and I do find it rude when people just disappear. But it seems to be an accepted norm now. There’s no real code of conduct yet for how we behave on these apps.’
And in practical terms, what’s really changed in the world of casual sex in the last few years? Helen mentioned the guy sending her dick pics in the middle of the afternoon. There’s nothing new about a request for nudes – they’ve been around since the iPhone was a twinkle in Steve Jobs’ eye – but it’ll be no surprise to discover they’re now a regular feature of the dating world.
‘There’s a lot of pressure to send nudes,’ Helen concedes, ‘a friend told me to never include my face.’ Sage advice indeed, although Helen admits she once ‘got drunk and tried to send a picture of my fanny to this guy. I accidentally sent it to my neighbour instead.’ Helen apologised with a bottle of champagne (in case you’re wondering what the etiquette is around that particular social minefield).
Alix notes an anecdotal rise in both anal sex between men and women and kink practices on the casual dating scene. ‘Anal sex between men and women is far less taboo in general and, anecdotally, I’m hearing that people who would have previously only considered anal to be something “special” to explore with a trusted, committed partner are now finding that it’s considerably more de rigueur in many casual encounters or early on in sexual partnerships. The same goes for a lot of “kinky” practices, like spanking.’
Alix feels some trepidation towards this shift. ‘While I’m absolutely all for liberated exploration, I do have concerns that the multitude of references to extreme and risky acts like choking – which are all over social media – give the impression that such practices are standard or even expected during sex nowadays – in fact, these things are NOT to everyone’s taste, and require a very cautious, risk-aware, educated approach and uncoerced, unpressured, informed consent.’
But it’s not all doom and gloom. Alix believes we’re about to enter ‘The Sincerer Era’ on dating apps. ‘After years of filtering our photos; misrepresenting or muffling our true romantic desires in an effort to seem more “Casual Cool Girl” than “Clingy & Needy”; and polishing our profiles to present an impression of ourselves designed to appeal to what we think matches want rather than what we actually want, there’s now a movement towards being more honest, authentic and straight up about who we are and what we’re looking for.’
Alix cites research from Plenty of Fish that reveals while 69% of singles confess to having photoshopped their pics when online dating in the past, 74% now feel comfortable enough to post candid, unfiltered images.
Helen also notes that dating has become easier on a practical level, post Covid. We’re all far more comfortable having a first date via video call or on the phone now than we would have done before. ‘Before you’d have thought, “I’ll just meet them in the pub,” but I really like talking to someone on the phone first before I go to the effort of getting dressed up. You know in the first 10 minutes if you want to snog them or not – voice is a really important way to connect to people.’
Nearly three years on, Helen reckons she’s dated more than 30 people, only one of whom she didn’t meet via a dating app. But what advice would she give to her former self, about to embark on her dating renaissance? ‘Really take time to get to know what you want and what you need and talk to as many people as possible about dating, because I went headfirst into it when I was vulnerable. Dating apps can be really great and fun, but 99% of the people you meet will be awful.’
Golden rules for your dating renaissance:
Trust your instincts and read the signs
‘Besides being careful of anyone who asks you for money, trust your instincts when someone’s backstory seems off, nonsensical or even too good to be true,’ says Nichi. ‘If someone is cagey about sharing details about where they work, their relationship history or family life, they may not be entirely safe or emotionally available to date, so be ready to leave them to it.’
Start short
‘Suggest a short first date to start with, like an after-work drink, then if it’s going well you can always stack on dinner or dancing to extend it, rather than committing to a multi-hour affair straight out of the gate and realising five minutes in that you’d rather be bathing in a bucket full of leeches,’ says Alix.
Stay safe
Whether you’re going on your third online date or your 30th, the same safety rules apply. Nichi recommends that you always only agree to meet in public, well-lit venues, while Helen uses a WhatsApp support group to tell her friends exactly where she’s going and who with.
The RAF Rule
Alix reckons there’s one golden rule you should stick to, especially if you’re new to the dating scene. ‘Think about the way someone is treating you; is it RAF – Respectful And Fun? If not, make like the RAF and fly straight outta there. Protecting yourself from poor treatment is especially important if you’re freshly single and perhaps a little delicate; having a memorable, straightforward rule of thumb like this to rely on helps it become automatic to advocate for the higher standards you deserve.’
Know the code
'Three letters you may spot with increasing regularity on dating profiles are “ENM" – Ethically Non-Monogamous,' says Alix. 'Conducted carefully, ENM can be deeply satisfying, liberating and exciting for those who find it compatible with their personalities and current desires and circumstances. Others, however, find they struggle to a problematic degree with jealousy, and there is certainly a proportion who don’t seem to have properly read the memo about the "ethical" bit. ENM relationships take a great deal of work, social skills and clear communication to function optimally, which can take a lot of active learning and time to finesse; since many singletons are new to this approach, they may make unintentional yet hurtful mistakes.'