People love to make sweeping statements about entire generations. The stereotype about Millennials prioritising their undying love for avocado and toast over buying a house has really stuck. In the case of Gen Z (typically defined as those born between 1997 and 2012), the chatter and headlines paint theirs as a ‘sex negative’ generation that is in the midst of a ‘sex recession’.
But is it really so simple? While some UK and US studies have found that Gen-Z are having less sex than those who came before them – a recent survey by the Kinsey Institute and Lovehoney found 1 in 4 Gen Z adults have yet to have partnered sex -the narrative around theirs being a sexually repressed generation is not the full story. Born into a digital era, coming of age during a global pandemic and championing movements like #MeToo, these young adults and teenagers are a unique case.
Gen Z’s approach to sex is multifaceted; while some are turning away from casual sex, they actually tend to be liberated and diverse in approach. They are also more open about the sexual activity they do engage with. As a generation, they also put an emphasis on understanding boundaries, safety and the importance of mental and sexual health within hook-up culture. Not least, surely, because social media means Gen Z have a lot more information at their disposal than their predecessors did.
Dami Olonisakin, better known as @Oloni, is the sex blogger that has become known for the dilemmas she shares on Twitter that spark unfiltered conversations. With each new tweet and episode of her LaidBare podcast, she taps into the minds of Gen Z and has become their favourite agony aunt. So, as a Millennial (born between 1981 and 1996) herself, what has Oloni noticed about Gen Z’s approach to intimacy compared to the generations before them?
Oloni concludes that Gen Z value quality over quantity. ‘I don’t think Gen Z aren’t having sex - but there is some truth to [that stereotype]. Gen Zs are way more progressive. They are really investing in figuring out the type of relationships that might work for them; from polyamory to working out their sexual orientation – Millennials didn’t really focus on this.’
I enjoy having sex with multiple people and exploring sexually with like-minded people.
She also notes that as a generation they are more aware of personal boundaries. ‘Gen Z are so comfortable having conversations about consent – this wasn’t a conversation we had growing up. Maybe Millennials laid the foundation for them to be comfortable, but Gen Z are really championing these important conversations from an early age.’
The decline in sexual activity among some young adults is also driven by the unique conditions of their lives - particularly economic, Oloni explains. ‘The cost-of-living crisis means Gen Z are also staying at their family homes longer, therefore they might not be as much access to sex as there once was for Millennials.’ According to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), in the UK the number of adults aged 20 to 34 living with their parents has increased 46% in the last two decades, from 2.6 million to 3.5 million.
At the same time, Lovehoney found that compared to Millennials and Gen X (born 1965 to 1980), Gen Z reported the lowest level of interest in casual sex and the most interest in having a long-term relationship. And when casual sex is on the table, that doesn’t mean it’s approached without care.
‘I’m very open to casual sex and hook-ups,’ says 23-year-old writer Nesta who was born in Germany but grew up in London and Zimbabwe. ‘As long as I’m in the best mental state and I know what I’m trying to get out of it.’ Nesta had sex for the first time just before the pandemic hit, but she has quickly learned what works for her both mentally and physically. ‘I know as long as I don’t attach myself to that person, I’m capable of it. I try not to be reckless with my emotions - I’m very self-aware of what I can and can’t handle,’ she says.
For 25-year-old social media creator Aaliyah, her move from Surrey to London pushed her to explore more. ‘Now I’ve moved to London I’ve definitely been on more dates. I’ve also had casual sex after a night out, but I don’t start conversations with the intention of doing it.’ She adds, ‘If I’m out having a dance and happen to meet someone then I will.’
The importance of consent is a dominating factor for 22-year-old Phoebe from Essex, who works in licensing. She expresses that after ‘dipping her toe’ into casual sex culture, she quickly realised it wasn’t for her. ‘At university casual sex is definitely part of the culture. However, looking back on my past experiences of it I’ve realised a lot more needs to be done to protect women and men,’ she says, adding, ‘It leads to so many instances of assault; lots of my friends have experienced this on university campus.’
In tandem, while dating apps like Tinder – which recently celebrated its 10th birthday – came of age with Millennials, Gen Z appear to be in favour of either more progressively-positioned apps like the kink-embracing app Feeld, or turning their backs on them altogether.
Tinder is like UberEATS for shags! I've pulled away from dating apps.
Phoebe is hoping to settle down in a relationship, but admits, ‘I just find the apps so overwhelming and because of them we are so used to having a man or a woman at our fingertips.’ She continues: ‘Tinder is like UberEATS for shags! I've pulled away from them and I'm keeping access to my body reserved for someone that sees beyond the physical.’ A lot of her friends already have marriage and kids at the forefront of their minds, she adds.
Aaliyah and Nesta meanwhile,both express that while they initially joined dating apps seeking a relationship, the people they matched with did not want the same. So, now apps like Hinge are used very casually and for the odd ego boost.
Yet paradoxically, Gen Z is also the ‘kinkiest’ generation, according to the Lovehoney survey (which found they are the most likely to report fantasizing about BDSM and the most likely to say they’ve tried it in real life). It seems that even if this generation’s members are having less sex, the sex they are having is different from their predecessors’.
In this respect, 24-year-old Emily* from Manchester finds Feeld - the app for those seeking casual sex, polyamory, kink, swinging and other alternative sexual preferences - aligns with her needs. ‘I had just broken up with my girlfriend and I was intrigued by it. I enjoy having sex with multiple people and exploring sexually with like-minded people.’
Which may explain the relative popularity of sex parties with this cohort. ‘Let’s not get it twisted – sex parties have always existed,’ Oloni states. ‘But there’s a lot more access today – there are apps where you can find parties to have a threesome, foursome or an orgy. This technology and space didn’t exist five years ago.’
Gen Z are also the most sexually diverse generation we have ever seen. Recent polling by LGBTQ+ charity Stonewall and surveyors Ipsos revealed stark generational differences: 40% of Gen Z respondents identify as same-sex attracted, while 53% report being exclusively attracted to people of the opposite sex. This compares with 77% of Boomers , who say they are exclusively attracted to people of the opposite sex. In recent years we have seen this reflected in the UK’s expanding queer party scene, as with Pussy Palace, the all-female crew who provide safe spaces for the LGBTQ+ community.
I'm open to causal sex - as long as I'm in my best mental state.
On the other end of the spectrum, however, is Gen-Z’s interest in celibacy. Last year on Twitter the hashtag ‘#puriteens’ emerged – suggesting prudish, puritan teenagers – and since then, the label has been used as a jab by some at Gen Z for being a supposedly ‘sex negative generation.’ But through many conversations, it’s clear their celibacy doesn’t stem from prudishness or negative feelings about sex, but rather a greater understanding of boundaries and desire for a meaningful connection.
Twenty-one-year-old Megan* from London explains, ‘I think the label [of being sex negative] is damaging and it’s not fair to demonize people for having a choice. For society to make it seem like Gen Z are not “progressive” or achieving the sexual freedom women have fought for because they’re not having sex as often as generations before is wrong.’ She adds, ‘We are just using our freedom to choose how casual sex serves us. For some of us casual sex is liberating - and for some of us it’s not, and that’s okay too.’
On TikTok, another growing hashtag is “#cancelporn” — calling for the public to end support of major pornographic websites. Under the hashtag there are hundreds of videos featuring young adults mostly, diverse in race and gender, stating that porn is inherently evil. But of course, not all agree.
Nesta says she enjoys porn – as long as it’s ethical. She explains, ‘I watch a lot of porn directed by women because they have the female gaze in mind. I talk about it with my friends who sometimes complain about the degrading porn titles and I always tell them there are better alternatives.’
So, while Gen Z are breaking up with some traditional dating habits and have differing views on hook-up culture, their behaviour doesn’t appear to be a sign of evading intimacy altogether, but rather a desire for a more authentic kind of intimacy. What’s clear is that Gen Z is much less tolerant than previous generations of unwanted behaviour, valuing personal boundaries both physically and mentally. Above all, this mindset is encouraging Gen Z to have safer, better sex – which, arguably, could make them the sexiest generation yet.
Oloni's book, The Big O: The Ultimate Sex and Relationship Guide is out now.
*names have been changed
Main Image: Sex Education/Netflix