‘I Dumb Myself Down On Dates So I Don’t Intimidate Men, And I Hate Myself For It’

‘Of course men don’t approach you, they’re intimidated by you; you have a career, own your own home and look like you have it all together, men don’t want that.’

Tired of being single, I’d asked for a male friend's advice, and while I wasn't shocked at his answer, I was left in tears as he explained why men weren’t approaching me – because they're intimidated.

I had become all the things I wanted in a man; financially independent, in control of my emotions, accomplished at work, but I saw the look in their eyes when I mentioned some of my accolades over dinner or drinks – it was a major turn off.

And so, like 60% of women – according to a new Match survey{ =nofollow}, I now dumb myself down on dates so I don’t scare men away. And yes, I do hate myself for it.

After joining Hinge in January this year, I’ve been on a handful of dates, and have been trying out my dumbed-down persona. I’m still me, I just leave out the fact that I have a Masters degree, have had bylines in major publications, own my own home in London, and know my way around boiler.

I smile and nod when they tell me that I should ‘start a blog’, write for their friend’s start-up publication for free to ‘gain some exposure’ or ‘get into the whole Instagram thing’ because that’s where ‘the money is.’

If I mention any of my accolades I’m either met with a look of disappointment or I’m hit with a barrage of their achievements in a combative attempt to prove they, too have it all together.

On a recent date with a doctor I met on Hinge, I ended up pretending I didn’t know what cognac was, had never heard of Afrobeats artist Burna Boy and only ever watched Reality TV, just so he could have the pleasure of telling me all about how much he knew about these topics in great detail.

Sure, sitting through these long-winded explanations of things I’m very familiar with is boring, but at least they want to see me again.

It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in dumbing myself down – Match not only found that 60% of the women they surveyed do it, but also that 1 in 5 stopped talking about a subject when it was clear their date had no idea about it, and 31% pretended to be interested in cars or football when they didn’t actually care.

But does dumbing yourself down actually mean that men are more interested in you? Unfortunately, it would seem so.

‘I’ve always had my job title pulled through on dating apps, but noticed after I was promoted my matches went down significantly,’ Susie Landsdowne, who works as the head of a marketing team tells me.

‘It took me a while to figure out what it was - but it was the only thing on my profile that had been updated in the last year. I changed it to a more vague description of what I do as an experiment and it seems, sadly, my stock gone up again.’

While it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one making adjustments so as not to intimidate men with my (honestly pretty mediocre) accolades, it would be nice to be able to follow the advice all dating experts give and just ‘be myself’ without fear of men running for the hills or ghosting me.

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