Calling Bullshit On The Idea We Spend Six Hours Getting Ready For Sex With A New Guy

Because last time we got our hair 'professionally styled' was at Auntie Jean's wedding

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by Jess Commons |
Published on

Those guys over at Bluebella are back again with another very silly study. You might remember last month, they made some Frankenstein-esque ladies using different celebrity body parts to illustrate the difference between what men and women thought was ‘the perfect body’. Quite what Kim Kardashian thought of her breasts sitting atop Michelle Keegan’s stomach we’ll never know.

Now, the lingerie company are back again with a head scratchingly confusing study that’s supposedly found out that women spend six hours planning their first time with a new ‘lover’ – despite the fact that no-one’s used the word lover in that context since 1872. But really, six hours? We’re lucky if we can figure out which day the deed’s actually going to happen, let alone have a think about what we need to do before. Let’s walk through their study step-by-step…

They say: 33% of us book in for a facial first – presumably to get that effortless afterglow

We say: Do you KNOW how long it’s been since we hit up the gym? It’s certainly been long enough that after 15 minutes of rolling around, stretching, straining and pumping away (in bed, that is), we’re going to have no problem achieving that glistening sheen across our brows. Plus, no amount of spa treatments are going to to prevent our face from turning the same colour as our baby nephew’s when he finally manages to do a poo in his nappy.

They say: 32% opt for spray tan

We say: Leaving aside the fact that a spray tan is extortionately expensive (£35 for some girl to effectively graffiti your body one colour? She should at least be able to pull off some sort of simple design), there’s no way to distract from that telling fake tan smell: part hamster, part biscuit, especially once things get a bit sweaty.

They say: 76% of us get our hair professionally styled

We say: The last time we got our hair ‘professionally styled’ was back at our sister’s wedding when were were forced to sit on the kidsÆ table because Auntie Jean made a fuss about sitting on the head table. Definitely no pulling going on for us, thank you very much.

They say: 66% of us buy a new lingerie set

We say: Does Primark count?

They say: 33% of us won’t wear underwear worn with a previous lover

We say: Underwear isn’t cheap, you know. Which is odd, because the ratio of material compared to our other cheaper clothes is much smaller. So please do forgive us if we behave normally and simply wash our favourite pair of pants to wear again this time.

They say: 20% of us get new bed linen

We say: We’ve had one set of IKEA bedsheets since uni that have been through way more important stuff with us than shagging a new boy. And, quite frankly, any boy that expects us to pick them over the duvet cover that got us through that epic episode of glandular fever in the second year can fuck right off.

** They say: **53% of us get a wax beforehand

We say: This is understandable. Ideally, waxing would happen. Unfortunately, we’re most likely going to watch another episode of Nashville and forget about the whole thing before realising T-minus 3 minutes to take-off that it looks as if a North American grizzly bear has taken up residence in our knickers. Cue a quick trip to the loo for an emergency shaveroo with whatever sharp object you can find. It’s sexing on the edge.

They say: 74% of us avoid carbs that day for a flat tummy

We say: Sorrry, sister. If we’re going out for a posh meal beforehand, there’s no way we’re scrimping on the free bread. Have you seen the prices of the mains?

Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons

Picture: Getty

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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