10 Guys You’ll Probably Have Met On Tinder

Including Humanitarians Of Tinder – and Mr Bombastic


by Lucy Hancock |
Published on

According to the Huffington Post, dating apps are now giving you 'Hook-Up App Stress Disorder' which stems from the app making it 'too easy to dehumanise others.' Yep, we're on board with that. You know what else doesn't help? Blogs like Humanitarians of Tinder - the latest spin-off to emerge from the dating app that actively encourages forming huge sweeping judgments of people based on one photo. The blog basically revolves around posting pictures of people looking worthy and wordy on their Tinder profile, lest you forget what an excellent human being they are, which is ironic, because we all know this frenzied swipeathon of an app is actually the shallowest puddle of humanity. Oh, look, we just formed our own sweeping judgement. Sorry about that. Here's a rundown of the biggest douchebags on Tinder...

1. Mr Bombastic

This smooth-talking ladies' man has got his hero, pick-up artist Neil Strauss as the desktop background on the PC back at Mum's and a Playboy air freshener in his pussy wagon. If he could, he would carry a cane, but due to recent health and safety restrictions in Tiger Tiger bar, he has to make do with his trusty pinstripe trilby for fanny magnetism. Good thing is, he never pays for entry there, he just slithers under the door.

2. Mr. Full Moon

This fellow is the human embodiment what happened after Kavos. He regards his Havaiana travels as the pinnacle of good banter. The bucket, the Chang Beer vest, the neon paint, the absurdly creepy photo of him lying down with a tiger. Other epic ladventures include that time he wore a morph suit at V Festival, that time he chundered after neknominate and that time he wore a skirt to rugby practice.

3. Mr. DJ

Ever since Skrillex proved turntables could redeem even the terminally unfuckable, every guy on Tinder's got a collection of vinyl. Don't worry, he's an all-rounder when it comes to music, as evidenced by all the albums he's painstakingly listed in his bio. Play your cards right and he'll let you watch him play Wonderwall on his acoustic guitar.

4. Mr. Gap Yah

Women love sensitive guys, and nothing says sensitive like round-the-waterpump selfies with the villagers on his year abroad. A Humanitarians Of Tinder classic, expect him to turn up to your date at the Ethiopian restaurant wearing a shell bracelet made for him by a local orphan. He'll love talking you through snaps of himself with every animal on Noah's Ark. Steel yourself for fascinating insights into mankind about how even though they were, like, seriously poor and shit, they were still, like, really nice and happy and stuff.

5. Mr. Famous

You know what really gets the ladies' pants damp? The cold, dead eyes of a Big Brother 7 contestant staring blankly up from your camera phone. Us girls want a real man, and nothing says 'hunter gatherer' like a man who can stalk Bradley from S Club at 50 paces in the Hull Student Union.

6. Mr. Family Values

While most girls in their twenties aren't actively seeking step-motherhood, this chap is convinced this rather unsettling portrait is going to set those ovaries jangling. Really, he's sneakily killing two birds with one stone. What better place to look for the mother of your young family than an iPhone app?

7. Mr. East London

Since quitting that art foundation at St Martins, no more agonising craft has gone into a project than curating this one's profile. The irony, the lomography cameras, the tats, the ukulele all carefully positioned in shot. If you're not a big Jack Kerouac fan and don't feel human emotions for fonts, venture no further.

8. Mr. Scissorhands

He's only just seen your profile pic and this budding Edgar Allen Poe's already scratching your name into his forearm with a compass. His interests include badge-making, animé and silently screaming into his pillow. Swipe at your peril.

10. Mr. Motivator

This guy could crack a hazelnut between his buttocks and it's incredibly important you know that. He's cropped his face out (because who needs a date with a face?) drawing painful attention to the patches of St.Tropez clinging to the stubble rash on his chest. If you like protein powder on your scrambled eggs and 15-mile sprints before dawn, he could be the one for you. Don't blame us when your vests start going missing.

11. Mr. Tinder And His Mrs.

There are some people who are a bit rookie on the online dating scene and there are others who quite simply should not be allowed to operate a phone. This man is one of those people.

Follow Lucy on Twitter @lucyannhancock

This article originally appeared on The Debrief.

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