When we discovered my wife was pregnant for the second time, we were right in the middle of a ‘sex challenge’ that required us to do it every single day for a fortnight. I won’t go into too much detail but, to be clear, we’re not swingers or anything. This wasn’t a dirty test for cheap thrills, it was
a high-brow experiment being carried out for a (broadsheet) newspaper piece I was writing – the idea being that the jiggier we got, the happier we would feel – but we never made it to the end.
When we found out we were expecting again we immediately threw in the towel. Now, of course, this would suggest that sex and pregnancy don’t mix, but that’s not true at all and I am writing this piece to dispel any notions you may have otherwise. People can be very timid about the subject, especially guys (more of that in a bit), but any concerns they have are generally of the more preposterous nature (also more of THAT in a bit). No, all I’m saying is that sex CHALLENGES and pregnancy don’t mix. Certainly in our case, we have no moral objection to getting frisky with a bun in the oven, it just felt inappropriate to adhere to a strict boning schedule when my wife had pretty severe ‘morning’ sickness (which actually went on all day – fake news!).
You see, for me, sex during pregnancy is terrific – I’d even say it’s some of the best sex you can have. It almost becomes the definition of unselfconscious. For both pregnancies so far, I have wildly embraced my wife’s cravings and all the bumps and wobbles that come with them (and that’s just on me!). We have gorged on junk food together, bathed in pizza, eaten chips by the lorry load. There isn’t an aphrodisiac in existence that can match both of you letting go of your vanity at the same time.
Also, the scientific literature out there on the subject (available on your nearest internet) will tell you that, during pregnancy, women experience ‘increased blood flow to the pelvic area, which engorges the genitals’, which is a poetic way of saying that her vagina becomes more sensitive – and, as men, we all know that a sensitive V can lead to a very happy D.
Plus – and this is the real clincher – pregnant sex generally follows ‘trying for a baby’, categorically the worst sex you’ll ever have in your whole life – the physical embodiment ofbiology textbooks. As a man you become the robotic dispenser of semen, as a woman you are ‘the host’. There’s no romance, you’re
essentially just two businesspeople performing a perfunctory task. Neither of you is even remotely having fun and there’s not much eye contact. You shag based on ovulation, or on the positioning of the moon, or because there’s still three minutes cooking time on your kiev in the oven. It becomes a chore on your to-do list. There’s no romance.
So then pregnancy sex comes along and blows your mind with its pure, unencumbered simplicity. Suddenly, you’re getting it on because you want to and, in contrast to the scheduled rigmarole you’ve just endured, this is a magic-carpet ride across the entire spectrum of pleasurable human emotions, even during a quickie. ‘I actually felt the horniest I’ve ever been when I was pregnant,’ confides my friend
Holly, confirming my suspicions. ‘I wanted sex every single day, and I felt beautiful.’
And that’s the thing too. Pregnant women, whisper it, are really hot. They glow with a kind of raw primal beauty, which, for some reason, still seems taboo for guys to acknowledge (presumably for fear of coming off as kinky or a fetishist). But they do, they look amazing in a way that makes you want to kneel in reverence to them. Like proud lionesses. Look at Beyoncé in that goddess-y announcement shoot, or Demi Moore on that Vanity Fair cover all those years ago. They’re intoxicating, a powerful embodiment of femininity. My wife, when she’s heavy with child (and sometimes when she isn’t, I must stress), similarly radiates. Plus, you know, her boobs become ridiculous.
But not everyone feels the same. When I broach the subject of pregnant sex with my child-free friend Jamie, whose girlfriend is about six months in, he’s not so sure. ‘The whole idea of it just feels weird. I sort of feel I’m being watched by my unborn child whenever we try. I can’t get my head round it. What if you accidentally bump the foetus with your penis?’
Ah yes, that old chestnut. The nervous worry that the baby will be disturbed from its slumber as our roaring penises somehow grow another foot and invade the womb like enormous mythical snakes, despite that eventuality not even being scientifically possible. Truth be told, even I was guilty of that delusion, before my wife’s cackling laughter set me straight.
But that’s not to say it’s all been plain sailing. First time around it was a different story – my approach to sex was timid and often needy. Where the etiquette around our pre-pregnancy sex life had followed a fairly simple, democratic approach – ie, whichever one was more up for it would kiss the other one into submission – now the power had shifted, and I initially struggled with being bound to
someone else’s schedule. Like so many guys (with frail egos that need constant stroking), if a couple of sex-free weeks went past with advances unreciprocated, I would fret, I would turn my gaze inward to examine my own perceived failings. But, really, all that did was make for two babies in the room (or, indeed, womb). I learned pretty quickly to man up.
‘My rule is that every sexual encounter should be 100 percent on her terms,’ says my friend Mike, completely reasonably and correctly. ‘She’s carrying your baby, so what she says goes. And as the pregnancy progresses there are definitely logistical challenges to be faced, like a huge swollen belly full of baby, and aching hips. Hardly a relaxing combination for late night bed fun – but you go with it.’
And he’s right. In fact, those latter stages are the only time when preg-sex starts to become tricky – when the baby starts really making its presence felt, physically speaking.
For the first couple of trimesters you’re essentially running free, there are bodily changes, midwife appointments, and the odd murmur here and there, but for the most part your awareness of a baby is still pretty abstract. You get to enjoy big boobs, the wobbly bits – the circus has come to town. But then
you get to those final furlongs and the kicks start to produce the outline of an actual human
foot, and the clanging sounds start to clamour in your head, and it becomes increasingly impossible to ignore the elephant in the womb.
Fair to say that, at that point, your trips to Sex Town Mississippi become less frequent. Unless, of course, you have a sex challenge to finish, in which case, just keep going. (I’M KIDDING!)
Josh's wife Hannah says:
‘With both pregnancies, I didn’t want to have sex much at the start because of morning sickness
and general exhaustion – I just wanted to sleep! But you do definitely come around to the idea
of it after a while, and there are even periods during pregnancy where my sex drive goes up. It just
makes me feel really feminine, I have a new naked body, and a real bonus is that being pregnant
basically gives me a natural boob job. They’re amazing! In my experience, pregnant sex can be
a great distraction, and because you can’t drink and go out dancing as much as you’d like, it becomes
quite an important outlet for you.’
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