**Dear Daisy,
My boyfriend and my sister have never seen eye to eye, but on a recent social occasion, he got very drunk and tore her to shreds. He told her he wished she wasn’t part of his life, and that our lives would be better without her in it.
She has been difficult in the past, but she didn’t deserve that kind of attack, and now she refuses to talk to him. I don’t think she’ll ever forgive him. I don’t know what to do. They’re my two favourite people in the whole world.
Love,
Caught In The Middle,**
Dear CITM,
One of the hardest things about loving the people in your life is that you can’t make them love each other. It doesn’t make any sense. When they have something significant in common - you - they should be able to get along, or at least to make a strong effort with each other.
My gut reaction is to be horrified by what your boyfriend did. I have five little sisters, and when I think about how much I love them and how I feel about anyone who has ever hurt them, accidentally or on purpose, I go ‘a bit mafia’. I suspect you’re reeling right now because any attack on her feels a bit like an attack on you too. That’s the power of family.
However, all I have to go on here is that your boyfriend was cruel to your sister, and that he’s one of your favourite people. I don’t know any details of your relationship, but if I assume that it’s otherwise good, and feels strong and established, there will be a reason for his actions. It might not be an excuse, or anything that can be defended, but if your relationship is good in other areas, he won’t have done something so horrible unless he’s been pushed to the brink.
Family relations are strange. Sometimes we’re so close to our family that their flaws are distorted, and we’re able to zero in on everything that’s wrong with them when those problems are barely perceptible to the outside world. Yet, on some level, we know that, which is why we struggle when anyone outside the family criticises them. You’re allowed to say what you like, but an outsider isn’t. Our partners also experience this distorted view.
We bring them close enough to see what we see. But they’ll never close enough to attack with impunity. Also, it’s easy to assume that our partners want to spend as much time with our families as we do, because they are an extension of us.
Many of us choose to spend a lot of time with our families even though they can be deeply irritating on different levels. Perhaps your boyfriend experiences the irritation because your sister feels he’s such a big part of her life that he doesn’t need to be on her best behaviour. But he doesn’t have the space to make choices about the relationship, and feels frustrated.
You need to tell him how upsetting his behaviour was. If you can, try to let him know that it’s valid for him to have frustrations, but that the way he expressed them was unacceptable. I’d do this in a quiet-ish public place, and think really hard about exactly what you want to say before you say it, because if you’re tired, or emotional, or at all unclear, the dilemma has the potential to blow up and turn into a massive argument. You don’t want two of those on your hands.
Remember that he might need time to process what you’re saying, and it’s possible that he won’t tell you what you need to hear straight away. Make it clear that your sister is a non negotiable part of your life, but find out if he has any specific needs or ideas about how you can manage that relationship in a way that’s easier for him. Most importantly, he must apologise to her in a fulsome and meaningful way. We all make mistakes, and we’re all capable of saying hurtful things when we shouldn’t. What’s really important is that we can take responsibility for our actions, and do our best to make amends and undo the damage that has been done.
Ultimately, it’s not your responsibility to fix this. These people need to recognise the role they play in your life and make things easier for you. Both sides have to make an effort. I really hope that your boyfriend wants to make things better, and realises that he shouldn’t have spoken out. However, there’s a chance that he won’t, and you’ll have to make a difficult choice.
Not all of us our close to our families, and if we were asked to choose between a partner and an irritating sister, we could make our minds up in less than a second. But I don’t think that’s true for you. It sounds as though your sister will always be in your life, and if your partner can’t accept that, there might not be room for him too.
Wishing you all love and luck,
Daisy X
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