Dear Daisy
I've just moved in with my parents after losing my job, and I'm really struggling with depression and anxiety. I'm constantly panicking, struggling to get out of bed and I'm feeling really desperate. But Mum and Dad think that I just need to "pull myself together" and stop moping. Mum is trying to help, at least - she keeps saying she's going to sign me up to dating apps and classes, even though I don't feel capable of doing anything, but Dad keeps asking when I'm going to get another job and keeps telling me to stop moping. I feel so miserable, but I don't know what to do and I can't move out. How can I make them understand what's going on?
Kat
Dear Kat,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a difficult time. You’re dealing with two significant changes, and each would be difficult to deal with on their own. Your whole life is being uprooted, and it’s natural to feel sad, frustrated and scared. You definitely need to give yourself a period of time to adjust, to get your breath back and to figure out how you want your future to feel.
Your parents probably also feel sad, frustrated and scared. When you were little and something went wrong, they were in a much better position to fix you. Right now, they can’t kiss it better - or go to your old boss and demand that you get your job back. When you fell over and scraped your knees, they could see exactly where to put the plaster and Germoline. But when your head is hurting, it’s much harder to find a solution. Parents are so used to trying to make things better that they’re not always good at expressing themselves with a compassion when a problem seems to be beyond their control. I wonder whether your Dad is slightly angry with himself because he can’t make the world perfect for his beloved daughter, and this is how it’s coming out. Which is understandable, but hard for you to live with.
I’m not sure whether you’ve been to see your GP, but if you’re finding the situation difficult this is your first port of call. If you can, bring your Mum and Dad with you. If your parents have a conversation with a doctor who can explain what you’re going through in medical terms, it might make it easier for them to understand that you’re dealing with an illness. The doctor can prescribe medication, as well as guiding you through different options for therapy and counselling. When you’re feeling anxious and low, it can be hard to remember that you don’t always have to do as you’re told, or take the first thing offered to you. But treating mental health can involve a bit of trial and error, so if you’re using a particular kind of medication and don’t think it’s working for you, see if you can use another. Personally, I attended a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy group and although some of the other people in the group benefitted from it enormously, it didn’t seem to help me at all. So I switched, and now I see a psychotherapist once a fortnight which is much better for me.
This might be a big ask, but I think that you need to meet your parents in the middle and try to show them you’re moving forward. This might feel too daunting now, but if you feel comfortable, maybe you could do one thing a week that might make up part of a future plan. This could involve looking up courses for areas you’d like to work in, making a list of career goals, even thinking about work experience. Losing your job is confidence crushing, so you need to do everything you can to consolidate and boost it. Would you like to work in a similar area, or study something else, or go travelling? Could you tell your Dad that losing your job has made you realise your future doesn’t lie in one area, and you need to take your time in order to make sure that the next career decision you make is a lasting one?
Parents love projects. The trick is finding a task for them to undertake which is genuinely helpful - at the moment they think they’re helping, even though they’re holding you back. Anything you can ask them to do which makes them feel involved will redirect their energy away from their current efforts, which aren’t helpful at all. Apparently brazil nuts contain selenium, which is a naturally occurring mood boosting chemical. I don’t know whether it will boost your mood, but if you ask your Dad to pick some up when he’s at the shops, he’ll have an activity which is isn’t based on nagging you about your career plans.
If you think it’s possible, it might be best for all of you to give yourself a set amount of time to concentrate on your mental health. Obviously, there’s no ‘cure’ and you don’t know what you’ll feel and when you’ll feel it, but perhaps you could ask your parents to let you have three months to take life super slowly, and feel better - because you need time to get your breath back, in order to feel strong and ready to make plans again. Suggest that you sit down together after three months to talk about where you’re up to and what you need. You might find that you require a bit more time and headspace but you might find that you’re ready to help them help you. Right now, I think your Mum and Dad are in your emotional backseat yelling ‘are we nearly there yet?’ and the only way to get them on side is to tell them that you will be stopping at the Little Chef, but they’ll only get their lolly if they’re quiet.
Wishing you all love and luck,
Daisy xxx
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